So we went to the church world wide training for adults on Sat. night. I did not want to go. At all. But Jasper was going with or without me, so I went too. I can't tell you how glad I am that I went, I didn't even need my journal that I brought for when I was bored. Seriously.
The entire meeting was really about families and parenting, even if you're not a parent or married, I think it was a fabulous meeting. But one thing that stood out to me was (it was actually an open discussion between 3 women and 2 men) about not judging. Specifically not judging parents for how many children they decide to have. They talked about how there are many who judge those for having a lot of children ( I was surprised this was spoken about). Now, I have to say, I have experienced this. And I only have 4 children, and I live in Utah- hello! Now I will not lie and say it hasn't bothered me. I don't understand why people have to comment about how many children people want to have. Why do they care? Just because something works or doesn't work for my family, doesn't mean someone else won't do it wonderfully. If people want to have a large family, let them. It seems to me so often I say negative things about being a parent, because sometimes it's hard. But all too often I think I forget to say how wonderful and rewarding it is as well. Don't get me wrong, I will continue to post how naughty my kids are and my frustrations etc. because I feel that's healthy for me, but I do need to look and recognize all of the amazing moments motherhood brings me on a daily basis. One of the women gave and instance where she sat down in church with her children - an entire row full- and the woman behind her said "I would have more children if it were as easy for me as it is for you." She said she burst into tears and cried the entire meeting because- it was not easy for her at all. I think it's hard for any mother, no matter how put together she seems. We never know who struggles with what, or what is happening behind closed doors. Now, I am babbling I know, but the point of this is, if someone want to have 12 children, that is fabulous! Bro. Oaks said that when he and his wife had 5 small children a woman approached his wife and said "what are you trying to do...multiply and replenish the entire earth?" His wife must be very witty because she said "I couldn't think of anyone better to do it". How great is that? Why do we feel the need to intrude what works for us onto someone else? I don't know. When I got pregnant with Madeline only a month after we were married (on purpose) I got many a comment. One from a former leader. She said "Are you sure you want to do that so soon?" Uh...hello. I'm pregnant. What was that all about? I hurt me to the core. But looking back I know why she said it, because of her own experiences in life. I'm sure she thought nothing of it. I have caught myself thinking if I have more kids I'll have so many...what will people think of me? Why do I even care? Likewise for those women who don't have children, or have very few- we must always be careful not to judge them. We don't know what they are going through. Perhaps they are unable to have children, or feel that they need to wait, or desperately want to have them and are waiting to be blessed through adoption, there are so many circumstances. Gosh, I'm still typing about this.... there are so many other awesome things they talked about...but now I'm tired of typing. What do YOU think? Even if you're a friend of a friend I really want to hear your thoughts! Have you ever felt judged, do you find it hard not to? What am I missing??
This is from the first comment I received (about this post)from my lovely sister Jana...and I love what she said, because I am very guilty of being of not always including the Lord in my decision making:
"And I know that the thing that really matters is that it's a personal decision, between the couple and the Lord, and not anybody else. I guess I just wonder sometimes, do we really give the Lord a chance to take part in that decision?"
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I am guilty of judging. I mean, I think I have been judged before, but most people know my situation, so I don't hear it if people do judge me for only having one kid. I am totally a fan of people having lots of kids; I don't care if they look like they can handle them or not--I think they rock the world for having kids!! I'm guilty of the other side--people who purposely wait to have kids or don't have many. Usually once I've talked to people about it, of course I understand their point of view, but it is so hard for me to sit here, not able to have any more kids (at least not when I want to) and see other people not take advantage of that blessing. It's also hard because the church really does counsel us to have a lot of kids, no matter what people say--it's true! Read President Benson's pamphlet about families! He says don't put off kids for money or school or a career, and people do it all the time. So I'm very wicked and get frustrated about those people...I want to tell them that if they're not ready for it, give it to me! And to tell them not to wait until they're ready because they'll never feel ready! So anyway, all I know is I think everyone should have tons of kids, and I forget that that's not right for everyone, and that that's REALLY hard--I've never had a lot of kids, so how can I go around saying other people should? Yeah, I'm bad that way. I admit it. And I know that the thing that really matters is that it's a personal decision, between the couple and the Lord, and not anybody else. I guess I just wonder sometimes, do we really give the Lord a chance to take part in that decision? Wow, that's really long for a comment, hey. I hope I don't make anybody mad who reads this! I probably will. Try to forgive me and I'll try not to judge!! :)
I feel like I've been judged a lot lately for having my boys so close together. For example, take yesterday when I took Logan for his first pediatrician's appointment:
Nurse: Second baby? (because I had told her it was a repeat c-section)
Me: No, he's my third.
Nurse: How old are the other two?
Me: They're 3 and 1 1/2.
Nurse: Wow. You're gonna have your hands full....
I can't tell you how many times I have heard that in the past 9 months. I guess it might not be judging, exactly, but it's getting to be so annoying! I know that I've had my kids close together...I know it's going to be a handful. But I can't change that! Even my own mother says stuff ("I don't know HOW you're gonna do it with three...." "Did you hear that, Meredith? They said your uterus was really REALLY thin." In other words, "Stop having babies, Meredith")
I just hate it when people point out the obvious or infer something with their comments. Like I don't know what's going on in my own life or like I don't know what the "right" decisions are for myself and my family...
Just butt out.
Warning: another long comment! :)
I know I have been guilty of judging as well, or even asking the really dumb questions of when, how many, and if. Questions that should NEVER be asked. And I've been guilty of thinking, "you must have it easy if you can handle that many kids" Wrong! It's great to see people who are following the Lord's counsel to multiply and replenish because they can. (I, too, like Jana, have to be careful not to judge those women who can get pregnant and have good pregnancies that decide they can only handle 2 or 3 kids.)
Also, I know people both who would give up almost anything to get pregnant, and others that pregnancy terrifies them because of their situations(me!).
Thanks for posting this Jen and helping us all really reflect on our judgments.
I like Jana struggle with being able to have children & I get really frustrated at people who ask when I'm going to have another, or who seem to look at me differently because I only have two. I do feel left out of the "mommy club" at church with all the women who seem to always be pregnant or have a baby on their lap.
BUT, my infertility issues have also taught me to think before I ask things, because you don't know their situation, asking people if they're going to have kids or if when they're going to have more is something I just try to avoid for this very reason, so thanks for bringing it to light.
I think this council ALSO needs to be extended to other areas in our life as well. Such as, the fact that I work. I wish I could be home with my kids, I understand that is the council of our church leaders, but for us right now I need to, that's just the way it is. I hate feeling judged because I work or because I'm not a stay at home Mom, I try to be there for my kids & we're doing the best we can, why can't people understand that???
Sorry to vent & leave such a long comment, apparently I really agree with you.
I know I've been guilty of judging. I look at people who have been married for several years and don't have children and I think "get on with it! Multiply! Replenish!" Although I try very hard to remember that I don't know their situation.
It's also interesting when people ask how close together my girls are. 16 months. I feel like I have to defend it before they can exclaim at the closeness thereof, even though we didn't plan it that way, I wouldn't change it for the world.
When I was in the hospital having Allessia (for 24 hours of labor) I got to talking to my nurse about labor and pregnancy and we were talking about birth control. She mentioned that when one of the Pope's had said something about birth control being bad, some news people had interveiwed people about what they thought and this awesome italian woman with 8 kids or something said, "You no play-a the game, you no make-a the rules." I love that.
I just had my fourth and I can't tell you how many people have asked me, "so are you done yet?" What I really want to say to them is, "It's none of your damn business!" But I am expected to respond and give someone my reason or excuse whether I am or not. (and it tends to get pretty lengthy) I honestly don't know if I am done or not, I refuse to say, "I am SOOO done." Because I don't know how I feel. I'm young and it's a little to soon for me to declare such a final decision.
I mean really, it is NO ONES business whether another person chooses to have another child or not. In our society this is a topic where you are "damned if you do, damned if you don't"
wow, sorry for all the damns!
Very worthy blog posting!!! Why is it that we as humans think we can live everyone else's lives better than they can? I think it is because we all feel like we're not living ours perfectly and its so much easier to look at someone else and judge them - rather than look at ourselves honestly. I have 4 kids and many people think that's alot - including me most days. But I for the life of me can't understand why people are so BOLD all the time as to ask me if I'm having more or if I'm done. Of all the personal questions to ask, I think this is the most personal question. I actually find myself having fun with it now and I make up different stories or answers for everyone. I figure if people are going to be so nosy as to ask, then I have every right to play around with them and lead them astray or make them feel awkward and uncomfortable in return. Everyone should try it. Then instead of getting annoyed, offended or mad at people, you actually walk away feeling like you've had a lot of fun - and they walk away thinking they've just found out your innermost secrest. It's a WIN WIN situation for everyone!!!
I must be running around with the wrong group of friends...I love children and look forward to being a mother like nothing else. Anytime I'm having a conversation with my friends about kids I tell them how excited I am and that I'd get pregnant right now if I could. Brandon will be done with school a year and a half from now and he really wants kids right now but wants to finish school and get a good job so I can stay home and focus on being a mom. It's a constant battle between wanting him to be done with school first and realizing that you're not supposed to put off having kids for things like that. It's not so far off so I guess we feel like it is okay. Anyway, back to the friend thing...they always look at me like they're thinking of sending me to the asylum and start rambling about how they are SO not ready and have a "five-year plan" or something...yada yada yada. They go on about wanting to finish school and wanting time together and by the time they're done, my feelings are hurt and it's like I'm supposed to feel bad for wanting kids right now. It's not just friends either. Just last week when my family was together, one sister-in-law was joking about wanting my brother to get a VASECTOMY for her birthday. I was astonished! How could you even joke about things like that? Don't they want kids...ever? Maybe not right now, but ever? I never know how to take her when she says things like that. It's so weird because she has lots of nieces and nephews and is so good with them. Anyway, my other sister-in-law said that she thinks I'm absolutely crazy for wanting kids now. "You're just a baby yourself!" Then when Brandon said something about wanting to finish school first she said, "I completely agree with you 200%." I would feel better having him be done with school, especially because he would be home more and less busy so he could enjoy the baby, too and help me out more. Still...it kind of hurt my feelings. Like I must not have a clue what I'm saying. Of course I do! I love kids and I want some of my own! Who cares what our timing is? Everyone is different and maybe it's right for us. On the flip side I have 3 friends who ARE pregnant and it's really hard for me. My sister-in-law is pregnant too, so all around me people are pregnant and I'm so jealous I can hardly stand it sometimes. I wish it was me! My close friend is actually going to be induced tomorrow if she hasn't had the baby by then. Her first one...and I've been so excited for her. Sorry for such a long post...it's been a tough subject for me lately and your post on judging...well, let's just say I've been feeling pretty judged. And for wanting something great that is a commandment! I should be talking to my friends about THAT!
Wow these comments are like huge epistles! Haha.
I have been blessed with two beautiful children and have not been able to conceive any more. I love my kids and the way my life has gone, but wonder if the Lord will ever bless me with more.
There will always be judgments, prying questions, and inconsiderate assumptions. I have resigned myself to that fact. My new focus, out of necessity, has changed. I try to focus on me. I FEEL at peace with my situation. This peace, a beautiful gift from Heavenly Father, has been my source of strength. While my focus has become more introspective, I always take the opportunity correct people when they voice their opinions and encourage them to refrain from future comments. I let them know that there are a myriad of reasons why we make decisions in our lives and it is impossible to accurately judge another's intentions and heart, that it would be better left to God. I have gotten some embarrassed looks over that response, but I feel like if they are willing to be that forward with me then why shouldn't I. I have, unfortunately, found that responding in this way is rarely satisfying, but feel like it is a good reminder for them.
It has also helped me, however, to give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they are just interested in me and want to find something to talk to me about. Maybe they are struggling with the same thing and are trying to find out my circumstances circuitously. Maybe they lived in the South Pole all their lives and missed the training on good manners. Haha. Who knows.
President Hinckley truly was a good example to me of handling uncomfortable questions from the press in good ways. He answered simply, unapologetically, and unpretentiously. He was optimistic and knew when to add a bit of humor. Maybe I could take some cues from him and find a better way to handle these inevitable situations.
So after reading these I get the sense that sometimes people don't want to be asked at ALL?!? I don't mind being asked about if I'm done or not etc. but what I do mind is when I answer and then they throw out their opinions or judgments. Experiences are one thing, but even those looks (you know what I mean) are what drive me mad.
I ask people all of the time. Should I not do that? I ask because I'm sincerely interested in their lives and I'm just curious. Maybe I shouldn't do that anymore? How sad for me... :(
Like pretty much everyone else who's posted, I have been on the receiving end of some harsh judgments about kids. It took Jake and me a year and a half to get pregnant with our first. The whole time we were trying, people would ask us "why haven't you had kids, yet?" and "don't you want to have kids?" We were doing everything we could, and we'd only been married a whopping 2 years! I had one really insensitive lady ask me at a friends' baby shower, "When is YOUR baby shower going to be?" I remember crying myself to sleep that night because I wanted a baby and a baby shower more than anything! One advantage of that trial is it's made me more sensitive to other people with fertility issues- I know how heartbreaking it is to want kids and not be able to have them immediately.
Unfortunately, I also have judged people who have, what I consider to be, a lot of kids. I realize that everyone's situation is different, and I shouldn't judge others just because I would be crazy to have a lot of kids- I just know I'm not one of those women who can handle it. It's a good reminder that we're not supposed to judge PERIOD.
Talk about a "Can of Worms" - I love it! I thrive on "Motherhood Discussions", and I find them very helpful. My mom has observed that people seem to either have trouble getting pregnant or NOT getting pregnant. (She was in the NOT category, and she seemed to get pregnant simply by looking at my dad.) The reality is that motherhood is hard - no matter what the situation.
I love everyone's comments, and I share so many of the same feelings. I, too, have been on both ends of judging and having been judged. I actually don't mind the dicussion, as long as someone is being sincere and not trying to "lead" me into the idea that I should probably not have any more. If I'm really honest with myself, the reason these types of questions/comments bother me is because it is only exposing my own insecurity. Most of the time, I feel like a fish out of water when it comes to motherhood. I know it's supposed to be my divine destiny to be the nurturer and caretaker, but it sure doesn't feel very natural most days. (Note: I am an exceptional mother from birth to about 18 months. Then, it's all downhill from there!) I have a hard time focusing on the things I do well as a mother instead of the many, many areas in which I feel like I'm failing miserably. I guess they just seem exaggerated when other people comment and notice.
My favorite comment from the training was from Sister Beck when she said that they sang "Love at Home" every week for FHE the entire time she was growing up. When she asked her dad why they always sang this song, he answered, "When you learn the first lesson, we'll move on to the second lesson." She commented that they never did get to the second lesson. This is MY home. Every Family Night is a lesson on kindness, loving voices and words, how to show service to our family members, etc. I rarely walk away from FHE feeling encouraged. It made me feel better that Sister Beck's family struggled with this lesson for years. Maybe it's just normal!
This has been a great session! Please invite me for the next installment of Mother's Annonymous.
By the way, Vanna Back taught a lesson on Motherhood 101 at the Women's Conference in my mother's Stake. She had some great ideas that I will put on my blog if anyone's interested. As Jen knows, I firmly believe in "stealing" other people's great ideas!
Jen, I loved everything you said.. It's so sad that even in the church we can be so jugding..
We all need to be reminded that we don't know everyone situations. More then anything we just need to LOVE.
Lets get together soon! Heidi is coming up next week so lets go to lunch or something!
What a great post! I have only ever felt judged once when it came to having kids. I heard about it through the grape vine, & I am pretty sure it was meant as more a means to find conversation than bash on me. At least that is how I am going to take it.
My sister in law has 4 kids under 5 years old & I just don't think I can do it like she does! I watch her, I learn from her - the good & the bad. She handles it wonderfully & I am always asking her for tips on parenting because she is so good at it. She is famous in our family for "doing what is best for her family," which I really respect her for & have tried to adopt myself. Lorin & I have been talking about when to have our baby blessing (yes, I still have 5 months+ before I even give birth, but I like to plan ahead.) My family will be here until the baby is about a week old & then not again until Christmas. So do we bless him at one week old or 6 months? Not at a week old, I know I couldn't handle that, but he would be 6 months at Christmas! I asked my sister in law & she told me "neither. Don't plan things around other people, do what's best for your family." That was a little side note, but in ALL things I have just tried to think what will be best for my family & not adjust for other people to the point that my family makes unnecessary sacrifices.
I don't think my kids will ever be 14 months apart or 4 years apart, but if yours are then that's great. Whatever the Lord has in store for me is what I will look forward to. I am glad that I have been left out of the judgment field & haven't ever felt that I have been a negative target. I have, however, asked people if they are going to have more or be done, not meaning to judge, but just out of curiosity & conversation. I guess about 85% of people posting before me would hate me for it, but I have never asked with the purpose of trying to convince anybody to do one thing or another, as if I have any room for advice with one child! My brother in-laws family has 12 kids, all happy & healthy & I couldn't respect his mom more for it. On the other hand, I don't think that is the plan for me but only time can tell! I just don't tend to get offended by personal questions because I have always been more of an open book & haven't had any trials that are too sensitive to talk about. I guess I should try to find a better way to bring up the subject & find out if it is too sensitive to be discussed before going there. I can't believe I spent a half hour reading your post & all the comments but I am glad I did!
I don't mind when people ask. It's when i tell them how close the girls ate and they say something like, "wow, i guess you should have tried birth control". thanks so much, i WAS on birth control.
But as for people just asking about my kids or if i'm having more, i don't mind the discussion at all.
Well, crap. I'm going to fire up everyone's wrath and declare that I am "sooo done"! We just had our fourth and can't imagine having another one. I've been judged both ways. My side of the family is flipping out because I have four kids. They all think that is sooo many! One the other hand, I've felt the disapproval of others when I declare that I'm done. You are not a better Christian if you have a dozen children. Children are a blessing and a heritage from God. We thank God for each one. But we shouldn't use them as rungs of a ladder to stand over the heads of our fellow believers. God is in control, and He may choose to withhold the gift of children from the godliest people we know. Also, the most Godly people we know may decide that they can only reasonably care for a couple kids, or one. Or none! Conversely, He may give many children to parents who squander their heritage and reap the whirlwind! Good parents can be found whether they have one, or a dozen.
P.S.
It looks like you touched a nerve Jen!
Ready for a mans opinion? ill keep it short cause I have a sleeping baby in my other hand. It took my wife and I almost 10 years to get our twins. we have had countless... weird, interesting, rude, hurtful, etc comments. Elder Bednar gave a great talk about how it is fundamentally wrong to be offended. Go read it. I choose not to be offended, and in turn I almost always tell them the truth. We waited 10 years because we are infertile. It took several years to diagnose our situation and then an expensive surgery to attempt to correct it. That didn't work so we almost joined the Peace Corps. Seriously! Then we prayed, sold our home, moved to the south, Spent every Cent we had on a one in million shot at getting pregnant. While going through LDS social services to try an adopt simultaneously. Finally being blessed more than we ever could imagine with Twins. Any questions? People are usually so shocked they don't know what to say or they are Like Jen, and they go "Wow! tell me about the Peace Corp, and why you didn't do that?
Hi, I'm Jen's mom. She is #1 of 7. I had #7 when I was 33. This is my story of being judged. My husband and I were at a community event (Christmas I think) and I was talking to a couple in their 40's who had no children. When I told them we have seven, she began to say "Oh, how aww..,". Yes. She was going to say How awful! I could tell by her tone. But I just broke in and said, "No! they are wonderful!". Can't even remember if we talked anymore. I hope not. I was annoyed though that they won the raffled large TV set. (grrr). I feel sorry for them. No little ones to hold on your lap and have their little hand hold around your neck, no slobbery kisses, no letter thanking you for being such good parents after they have gone to college and realized it... I have always remembered something an old neighbor lady told me when my bunch was little. "Just remember, this is the happiest time of your life". I know. You're busy, but it's true! Right now you are the shepherd, getting them to do what you want them to. Once the kids are bigger and think they know best it gets even harder. And it's true that when they are little and having fun together, it's so sweet and beautiful. Your comments are all so good to read and touch hearts. Kudos to all of you. You are great parents because you are trying to be! Just think how much Heavenly Father loves you all!
Hi. I am Mel's step-sister and I just can't help chiming in a little. The judging definitely goes both ways. It is as if there isn't a perfect number of children to have. I have a close friend who is the mother of seven children under the age of 13. And she hopes to have an eighth. But every time she becomes pregnant (especially the last four) she tries to keep it a secret for as long as she can because she dreds all those thoughtless comments. It saddens me that she has a cloud hanging over what should be an enjoyable time just because there are people who can't keep their discouraging comments to themselves. On the flip side, another close friend was told by a church member that she and her husband should not go on any more cruises (they enjoyed saving up and doing this annually) until they had children. Of course this person unknowingly and falsely assumed they hadn't been trying. I don't know why it is that we can't all kindly respect the very private decisions of others. Very good topic. Thanks.
Wow Jen, I don't look at your blog for one day and everyone goes nuts!!! Thank you for your post. I stopped caring what people said about Steve and I not having any children a long, long time ago. In fact, I usually joke with someone who has the guts to ask and admit to them that we still do not feel ready after almost 13 years and so we will remain virgins until we do feel ready. This usually clues them in on how personal they are being by asking and stops. The funny thing is now when I say we are adopting the response is just as funny, weird, or crazy! "Ooo, be careful you don't know what you might get." Yes I do, a child! After that I'll figure it out. Anyway, my point is who cares. Recently at work I got, "You guys will make great parents I'm sure someone will pick you except for one thing...you're Mormon." Wow, that was ballsy I thought but what a great missionary opportunity. Again who cares. Just do what you and your spouse feel is right, include prayer in that decision and then do your best to follow it. Who cares what other people think when you know you have made the best decision for you and your family.
I just want to add that maybe we all need to give each other the benefit of the doubt. We don't mean to judge...nobody ever means to hurt each other's feelings, so why bother getting your feelings hurt and being offended? I'm glad Alan brought up Elder Bednar's talk, because it's true--being offended is a choice. Sometimes it's really hard to not get your feelings hurt when it's already a tender subject, but at least don't get mad about it! Do you really think anybody means to offend you? That's not nice!
Wow, Jen. I wish I could spark a comment extravaganza on my blog!
I just think it's really odd how you brought this subject up when I've been thinking about it a lot lately and been feeling judged.
I wouldn't say to stop asking people, especially if you're curious. I ask people stuff about when and if they're going to have more babies all of the time. I think it's how you come across. And lots of people just don't do it well.
And it kills me that my mother is the worst of them all.
Wow! This is what I get for being a blog-snoop today. I LOVE this post, Jen. It left a lump in my throat. In fact, if you give me permission, I might just post it on my blog.
In these comments I have been shocked that people are offended when asked if they're done, or how many kids they want. Oops! I am such an open book that I ask all the time, just because I'm interested in people's lives, and can learn from their experiences. I don't mind if people ask me. I have four kids, love them to death, and honestly wish I knew if I could handle more because I'd have kids until the day I died if I could.
But if there's anything I've learned, it's that what works for one family, doesn't necessarily work for another. And while I adore children and would have a six or seven if my physical and mental capacities could handle it (they can't), it doesn't mean that my girlfriend, or anyone else, feels the same.
I do get judgement, even in UT. I walked into church last week, and an older couple was walking out. With raised eyebrows, pursed lips, and without a smile the lady said, "Wow, that is quite the line of kids you have there." Hmmm...
My mother-in-law will flat out say, "You're done now, right? You've gotta give yourself a break!" (Oh, man, I was just going to say that she only had twins and put them in daycare from the time they were 2 so she could persue a career...how's that for judging?!)
I think the main judgement problem I've had is with people who don't want children, and openly talk about what a pain, hassle, etc. kids are. That's hits a big nerve with me. Or say their dog is their kid, and they don't want anything else. I have a REALLY hard time not judging those people because they truly don't know what they're missing.
I appreciated Kristy's comments. Children are not rungs on a ladder to heaven, although they are the greatest blessing. (I noticed Kristy is a homeschooler. Now if you want judgement, try telling people you homeschool or are considering homeschooling! I considered it seriously last year, and still have it in the back of my mind as a possibility, but HOLY COW the can of worms that is opened when you mention it to others. I brought it up at a book group--I'm the youngest by about 20 years--and the ladies just about freaked out. Comments made: my children will never be normal, they will be anti-social and never know how to fit in with other kids, they will be weird, every family they've know that homeschools was really strange and backwards...oh yes, it was great.)
This is the longest post of my life! It's a good subject. So, Jen, can I have permission to post it on my blog?
PS I just made my blog semi-private. My email link is on my Profile page. Just shoot me an email if you have a sec. I don't mind people looking at my blog; I'll give an invite to whomever emails me. Thanks!
Why can't I just shut up about this? If you want judgement, try getting on a 6 hour flight with four kids. You would not believe the stares, comments and glares we get...like we're doing the world a disservice by reproducing. That is honestly why I always try to look totally put together and at-ease when we fly, and try to stay calm and collected no matter what my children's behavior may be. I feel we have to prove to the world that gosh-dangit, we are happy people!
Thank you so much for all of your comments, they've so good to read! You guys are awesome!
I know that the majority of moms and future moms are doing their VERY best and trying to do Heavenly Father's will. But I know a lot of women who think that counsel from our prophets somehow does not apply to them. My biggest temptation for judging here in Mesa is when a woman lives in an expensive home, drives an expensive car, dresses in expensive clothes, goes on expensive vacations and then goes ahead and justifies working because of her family's debt. That she "needs" to work. Please. As far as the number of children and how close...I get a lot of comments because during the day, I have all 3 kids with me everywhere I go since none of them are in full-day school yet. They are 5, 4 and almost 2. I know some of you have children even closer than that! I don't think my situation is all that interesting. But I get comments daily. Mostly people ask me if I'm going to try again for a girl. Even though it's none of their business, it doesn't usually bother me because I know they are just curious and making conversation. Bottomline: I feel that if we feel peace, knowing that Heavenly Father is pleased with where we are at, then it will not matter one bit what others think or say to us. It's their bad. Yes, I realize that when I am tempted to judge other mom's on the above venting, I need to dismiss it from my mind because it's just none of my business and certainly not worth an ounce of my energy wondering about it.
An hour after leaving the last comment....I'm still feeling nervous about it. Guilty for "saying" what I did. Jen, your post was mainly about children and judging. I don't feel like I've ever had a big problem with that. I get horribly sick during my pregnancies to the point of malnutrition that takes months and months to recover from. It definatley weighs heavy on our decision about how many to have and when. President Hinckley told us to consider the health of the mother when making these decisions. I would love to adopt children if we cannot have another, but that is still down the road and for now we are working on getting my health back. I feel more compassionate towards other women when it comes to having children, simply because of what I've been through myself. For some women, conceiving and giving birth is text-book and dare I say..."easier" than for others. Because I UNDERSTAND that, I haven't struggling with judgement in that area. Instead, I wrote a couple of sentences about the one thing that does frustrate me--working moms. As I thought more about it though, I realize that it's such a gray area! I find myself drawing lines in my mind about jobs that are more like hobbies being okay because it's a healthy outlet for moms, but then there's also the ones who take so much alone time and 'girls night out' time that they might as well be a working mom right? It's all so confusing, so why bother? That's my new take on it. Thanks for reading this!! I hope I have not offended anyone.
Jen, You were right, there are a lot of strong feelings about this subject! It is hard not to judge and hard not to be judged. I am just trying to do my best with each day and love my kids. I love you blog! Thanks for all of the great posts!
What a topic! I have so many feelings when it comes to this. Growing up I always thought that I would have four kids. I have 3 yr old twins and a 6 month old baby and part of me wants to be done with these 3, but another part of me does want to try one more time. Even without people asking me if I am done having kids why do I get so anxious and feel that I have to make that decision now? So that I don’t have to store all my baby stuff? So that I can “plan” out the rest of my life? It would be at least another 2 ½ years before I even need to be thinking about it again, but it is constantly on my mind.
I feel that most of my reasons for wanting to be done are selfish. Like what Jen said- what will people think if I have another? I already get so many comments about having my hands full, but then again I got that with just the twins. And there are certain people, even family, that I feel would think I have sooo many (too many) kids. Why do I even care what they think? Financially I would like to be done having kids so that we can give them more. Mentally I would like to be done because I felt like I “had it together” more as a mother (most of the time) before #3 came along. How could I handle 4 if it is so hard with these 3?
And I am afraid to pray about the decision of whether or not to have another baby because I know it probably won’t be the answer selfish me is seeking.
I am personally not offended when people ask-except in one instance where my twin girls were still babies and a total stranger said “too bad you didn’t have a boy and a girl and then you would be done.” WHAT?!!!!- Anyhow, I ask and it is interesting to hear other’s opinions on the subject. I think I just need to keep it all in perspective. I know I can’t handle 6 kids but way to go for the moms that can. This quote from a book I am reading titled “Press On” by Joseph B. Wirthlin and thought it was fitting for the topic. I think I may post it on my fridge as a reminder to me. “Now, there are some who, instead of being inspired by the examples of great men and women, instead become discouraged. If you have ever felt inadequate, if you have ever felt that you don’t have the inherent capacity of others, if you have ever felt that no matter how hard you try, you are never good enough, I have a word of advice for you. Your life is not a race. You are not competing against anyone else for entrance into the presence of our Heavenly Father. The plan of salvation is not a reality show where you have to beat out other contestants to win.” Mainly the line about this life not being a race or a competition hit me…..we all have such different lives yet the same struggles and I think it is good to talk about it so that we know we aren’t alone in our frustrations. Ok I will stop rambling now.
Great quote...I think I am printing it out & putting it on my fridge because I feel like that happens to me a lot.
This is Dani, Linds and Kristy's sister. I am a bit late on this post since I just finally got up the bravery to delurk here and post a comment. First and foremost, I love your blog, and you take such beautiful pictures.
I am struggeling with this because I had my third a year ago, and I really don't feel like I can handle any more kids. I am one of "those" women who seems to get pregnant easily and I don't have very difficult pregnancies or deliveries. In fact, I love being pregnant. I often make my self feel guilty for not really wanting more. In our mormon saturated society it can be really easy to let yourself feel guilty for not popping them out like hot cakes. I look at women who have many children and I judge myself, not them. I think, wow why can they do it and I just can't, I feel jealous. I have two sisters in law that just can't get pregnant, and every time I was pregnant they acted so judgemental, like I was being so inconsiderate to have another child when they couldn't.
I finally have to come to the conclusion that yes, HF does want me to help multiply and relplenish the earth, but He doesn't expect me to have more children than I am capable of being a good mother too. Like someone else said, it really should be between you, your spouse, and the Lord. And if you can handle more kids, more power to you, I truly think that Mothering is an amazing calling, no matter how many you have.
WHAT A GREAT CONVERSATION! My story is that I have two very happy and rowdy boys especially when they are together. They have a love hate relationship. They either love each other or hate each other. Anyways, when I was pregnant with our third, I got lots of comments like, "Got your hands full, don't you" "Good thing the next one's a girl!" "How close are they in age?" "You are either a Catholic or a Mormon?" They get old but I am trying (key word trying) to not care what other people think. I think that people like ALAN rock because that is one of my biggest weaknesses (caring what other people think). The more children I have though I become less judgemental. I think that you should have as many children as your sanity can take. I have a newborn so some days I think that 1 was enough!! But then other days, my boys tell me that I am the best mom in the whole world or they just look at you and you know that they are suppose to be with you... you know that look or feeling, and you want a ton!
I know this post was about a month ago. But, I just read it today. I love having babies, I love kids, but I hate telling my family I'm pregnant! Obviously we started very young. I got preganat with Celeste when I was 16. Not ideal for anyone. I got comments that I needed to give her up for adoption. My Dad told me I was an embarrassment. It was awful. We knew it was going to be difficult, we didn't need anyone to tell us that. It worked out incredibly well, I had so many credit hours I was able to graduate in December, I had Celeste in January! We both worked and went to college. I was lucky enough to never have to use daycare. Celeste was able to come with me to work every day. My mom helped watch her while we went to classes.
I wanted to get pregnant again when Celeste was 3. I didn't want her to feel like we screwed up and had two seperate families. I know everyone thought we were crazy. Even though we weren't completely financially ready, I knew it would be the right thing to do.
Jonathon #3 was a huge surprise I was in the middle of nursing school. My instructors told me if I continued on I would fail pediatrics!! Can you believe it!(Considering I am a pediatric oncology and bone marrow transplant nurse) That worked out amazing well too. I was able to complete an accelerated semester and graduated and took my boards 1 weeek before Jonathon was born.
When Jonathon was about 1 my Dad's wife told me I needed another child like I needed a hole in the head. What is it about our society that we should only have 2 kids and a dog??
My parents couldn't have kids I was a 5% chance. I want a big family with chaos at Christmas. Sunday dinners with the whole family.
So now after life has somewhat settled down. We both miraculously graduated highschool and college. We have good jobs. We don't use daycare (we have different shifts) I get pregnant with #4 and my Dad says to me," what did you do, join the church?" (I never told him) His wife said to me "how embarrassing Celeste is going to Jr. High and her mom is going to be pregnant". Sadly, I'm 15 weeks preganant and have hidden it from my mom's family afraid of the comments that they will make. I am not very confrontational and tend to wear my feelings on my sleeve. I'm not quite sure what my point is... Except that eveyone does what works for them. My kids are all 4-5 years apart and I wouldn't want it any other way. What would I do without Celeste in my life? I couldn't imagine my family without her. I know how incredibly blessesd I am to have children. My mom went through so many obstacles trying to have children. It is so bittersweet to be elated about bringing another amazing baby into your family, but at the same time so disappointed that not everyone shares in your joy.
Not sure if any of this made sense but had to vent because it hits so close to home right now!
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