The Holiest Day

A few years ago when I lived in Colorado, we did a service project for children in India, through Rising Star Outreach. It was one of those life changing experiences. We collected various things they need there, one being bandages for people with leprosy. There are still an estimated one million cases of people who suffer with leprosy because the government won't simply give out a few small inexpensive pills to children, which by the way, cost less than $1.50. These people often get only ONE bandage for their entire life. They'll have to pick which wound is the most deserving of their only bandage. These people are then shunned. Many become homeless and alone, cast into the land of the Untouchables. Check out the site, they are building schools, and making a difference. You can even sponsor a child... it's pretty amazing.

The director of this amazing organization spoke to us all that day. She was amazing. There was one story she told that I have never ever forgotten. I wish I knew what book she got it out of- I would buy it in a heartbeat. I even emailed her and asked about it but she couldn't remember. It was about a volunteer who worked with Mother Theresa...so you can imagine how many books there are out there about her. Sooo, I will paraphrase. Heavily.

There was a woman who had the privledge to work along side Mother Theresa in an Orphanage in India. She said that Mother Theresa had a special gift, among many, of knowing when she entered a room which child would survive the night and which wouldn't. Each day she would come in and point out a handful of babies and children who she felt wouldn't make it through that night. Then she asked that each worker (if there were enough of them) take one baby and hold them. Simply hold them. tenderly touch their sad skin, whisper kind, loving words in their tiny ears. Love them. So this woman did. She picked up a small baby. They rocked. She sang. She looked her in the eyes. She loved.

That night as she cradled this child in her arms, this small baby slowly drifted into the next life. She stated "That was the Holiest Day of my life".

And so, this story is a reminder to me always, to love. Not only to love my own children- who I will hold a little tighter tomorrow. But others around me who may not be getting the love all humans long for, live for, deserve.

"We can do no great things; only small things with great love" Mother Theresa

Chase...8 months

This sweet little Chasers has been nothing but easy to love, and kiss, and cuddle. I can't even begin to tell you how grateful we are to have him in our home! Granted, he still doesn't have a bedroom...but who cares right? Kids have no idea how big or small your home is. When I was growing up there were 7 kids and 2 parents using ONE bathroom. But I never really noticed it was an inconvenience. Granted we moved to a different house when I was 13. Probably a good move. :)
Chasers likes to scrunch up his nose and breathe really fast through his nose, hilarious. He squeals really loud when he super tired, or when he's really excited to see you. He's ultra laid back. Eats anything he can find. Gags on banana -I'm thinking maybe he truly doesn't like it. And crawls everywhere, pulling himself up on anything he can. And that dimple of his is a heartbreaker.
Anyway...I love you Chasey facey!!!!

Sunday PJ's

For a long while now as soon as my chillins get home from church, they get in their jammers. Mind you, right now we get home at noon. I took this pic a few weeks ago on Sunday- hence the hair is done, and jammers on. I just love this girlie. Stop growing. I don't want her little voice to get bigger and her tiny tongue to stop twisting when she says her S's. Or her comments like "I'm so pretty huh mom", or "I pooped a little in my panties, that's gross huh mom". Uh, ya, that is gross. :)

She's Maddie

Madeline loves to little things. Trinkets, dainty, tiny things. She LOVES making lists and schedules, art, music, and above all, swimming. The girl is a wanna-be mermaid.

A few weeks ago someone at church brings this little pursey thing to me (I still have no idea where it came from) and asked if it was Maddie's. Yes, yes it is. So I take it, and look inside. This is what my daughter has packed away to bring to CHURCH...

Because you NEVER know when you'll need safety glasses.
Then as soon as we get home I find this awesome Sunday to do list...
And just for fun...I'd to include this photo. Who knows exactly why she was so mad. Someone touched her, or sang when she didn't want them to, or more than likely she didn't like the way Tanner was looking at her. Heaven forbid. At this point, she was giving even me the silent treatment. Wow, I'm scared for the teenage years....

Halloween

I've been feeling so overwhelmed about wanting to blog everything from the beginning of time, but then realized, while I've been doing that, I've wasted even more time. hahaha! So, I'll start with Halloween. It was grand. Although I love the holiday, I despise the cost. My kids want to be something different every week, so I'm always the mean mommy who has to lay down the law. We went trick or treating and got so much dang candy. Threw away all the crappy candy and kept all the chocolate.

Chasey-face...
Tae-Tae, the girl with a million faces, but never gives me the one I'm looking for.
Madsie, she's 8 going on 16.
Tan Man, wanted to be a "mean, scary guy" I should have just dressed him up as Obama.
Jay Bay, Vampire. But the sweetest one there ever has been. :)
I'm so proud of myself for posting pics. Wow, I'm diligent.

I'm just so mad....

I'm laying in bed last night getting madder and madder...one day- in the not so near future- my sons, who I live and breathe, will get married. And then they won't call me. Their wives will talk to me instead of them. They won't need me anymore. This is so not fair. This is why I think I need more girls. I'm still mad.

For Jackie

Jackie said I never blog...so this is for you.

Mullings....

Does anyone else go to bed at night and feel an overwhelming sense of guilt? I do that. I go in to peek at my beautiful sleeping angels, who during the day are ofter crazy hyper devils, and feel such an overwhelming sense of love toward them. Then I recommit myself to be a superb mother. Then I wake up the next day. The process starts all over again. I do feel like I am enjoying motherhood more and more. It seems like even though I now have 5 children, it's almost easier than when I had 3 little ones. How could that be? I don't know, but I'm so grateful to feel that way. But I still wish I could be better, and do more. I tried yesterday to play "family" with Tae. She was the "sweetie" and I was the "mom". Seemed pretty much reality to me.

I was talking one of my bff's today- Simone about what a supermom she is. She really is. She is gorgeous, she entertains frequently, has 4 amazing children, she's an avid runner, makes beautiful jewelry, so so so so kind and personable- one of those people who everyone wants to be friends with, unbelievable patient, always has a CLEAN CLEAN house, and to top it all off a solid member of the church. One of those people who actually IS/behaves christian (which I most definitely can't always say of myself). Anyway, even though I can see all of the things she is, she doesn't think she's "that great". Why do we do that to ourselves? What on earth possesses us to think that about ourselves? I was naming all of things she's so good at and she said, "ya, but you have photography". Which brings me to my next point. The guilt. Soooooo much of my guilt comes from working too much. I could be doing more motherly things during the day instead of editing. It's so hard to balance. I love it, but hate it at the same time. I keep wondering if 5 years down the road I'm going to look back and think 'why why why did I give so much of my time to that'. I know I've said this before. I say it all of the time. And for now, I justify working because Jasper is still in the process of rebuilding his business. So he brings home only half of what he was when the whole job mess began a YEAR ago. I can't believe it's been that long. So...isn't it weird that we're always comparing ourselves to other people? Why do we do that? I don't ever hear Jasper saying, oh, I wish my butt was more like so and so's. But it would be hilarious if he did. And this brings me to another point, do you think LDS women are harder on themselves? And why? Depression meds are prescribed more here in Utah than anywhere else.

So....that is what I have been thinking about today. Sorry if it's hodge podge, but I hate proof reading posts. So I'm not going to. :)

OH MY GOODNESS....

To start...a few random pics from this summer...



Have I so fallen off of the blogging wagon or what?

Now that I've missed out on writing and reading blogs, I feel like I don't even know what to write anymore. :)

So I will start with 2 things the kids said this week so I don't forget:

Tanner, brings me my cell phone and says:

"Mom, someone's texting you. They say they want a appointment to spank you. "

Maddie, after listening to music:

"all boys sing about is when they're happy, sad, mad, or in love with a girl."

Hit it right on the money!!

The summer is gone. Gone I say. And I am so sad. Sad I say. Do you realize Christmas is in 74 days? I always heard life goes by faster as you get older. Helllllo! Also, I had a birthday. It was marvelous. And a year ago I was prego. Again, I can not imagine my life without this sweet child. All I know is I BETTER KNOW this time if I'm "done" or not. That was a painful process, not knowing.

I've been editing my life away. But it's only for another month or so and then things slow down again. I'm still taking whatever I can get while Jasper gets his business to a good place again. One day....one day.

Conference:

I would like to tell you how much I loved, as in, L.O.V.E.D (you're supposed to spell it out people) conference. It was exactly what I needed, when I needed it. I'm looking forward to reading it again, after I renew my subscription that is. I've been meaning to do that for, oh say, 5 months.

Chase is CRAWLING. When did that happen? He just crawls everywhere and eats everything in his path. He only like facing out, is NOT a cuddler, but is so so so sweet. Wow, what a good baby he has been.

Prepared. I have been having anxiety over food storage etc. My lovely sister Christine, whose husband has a fab website with some awesome preparedness supplies on it- www.thehappyninja.com put together some 72 hour backpacks for us. How nice is SHE?! I thought this would calm my mind. Maybe I just thrive on having something to worry about?

Anyway, that was random.

All I know is, Motherhood is wonderful, and wonderfully hard, and exhausting, and purposeful, and exquisite, and fabulous.

And, that's all. Hello to you all!!! I have missed you.

Muah!

My little chunkers....

What I see everyday- we were sitting outside relaxing the other day when I thought, I NEED to bust a move with the camera and

capture what I'm seeing right now. All of these are so HIM...

Private

Tired of laying in bed at night worrying if I should go private or not, so I am. :) Please leave me your email if think I may not have it so I can add you to my readers! Or email me at:

jenbenphoto@gmail.com

Thank YOU!

Anxiety

Over:

~The news

~Should I go private with my blog....there are creepos out there- case and point my girlfriend who now has a stalker because of her cute blog. Yes, a real stalker who actually really and truly tried to grab her 7 yr. old boy when he was outside their house.

~Having trouble renting our townhouse. Let me tell you people, 2 mortgages is so so horrid.

~The government- health care....what the?!

~Is it just me or can I taste metal in my mouth? I have a copper IUD= freaked. Having that taken out. Because I know you aaaaaaalll wanted to know that.

~Thinking...hmmm, in 5 years am I going to look back and wish with all my heart that I'd spent less time at the computer/working? Um, yes. My babies are only babies ONCE. Figuring out what do with that. I need a remedy. I'm absolute rubbish at balance. Photography. over. taking. life.

~Food storage. So overwhelming. Please, no " Just do it one week at a time" comments. I know. I'm still allowed to have major anxiety over not having 5000 gallons of water, 24 lbs. of kitty litter for pandemic, and 334 rolls of duct tape.

~baby, 4 months, getting tooth. Up WAY too often. Sleep mister, you can do it!

~school shopping. Haven't even started. Don't even want to.

~I need more sleep.

~I miss yoga. deeply.

It's almost August?!

WHERE does the time go I ask you!? Isn't it so crazy, it's almost time to start thinking about Halloween, and the holidays. Didn't that JUST happen? I would like to tell you I have officially failed at cherishing every moment with my kids. There. I admitted it.

On a lighter note...I have piles of photos I haven't even looked at, but I did manage to get to these. I love these kiddos. Chasers is growing up so fast. When he smiles it's like he can't smile big enough, it looks like he's going to eat you his mouth gets so big. Oh, it melts my heart. He's so sweet, rolling over, trying make conversation, trying with all his might to army crawl, and grabbing toys. STOP GROWING BABY!!

We're enjoying our summer...it's hot. A little too hot. School is about to start, I still can't believe it's almost August. Can you tell I'm baffled by it all? I am. And so...here are some pics-

A few things I thought I'd never say & All my heart

"Don't eat ants!!"

"Stop licking the mirror."

"If you do that again, I'm taking your scriptures away!" (after watching Tanner use his Book of Mormon as a machine gun in church)

So Madeline had a little boy in her class who had a crush on her. She first came home and told me about him...then she came home with a note that he'd given her with his phone number on it. Then next day he called...like 6 times in a row after I didn't answer. Then a week or 2 later, she came home with this note:

Translation: "I love you with all my heart"

So, she showed me and we talked about it for a minute, then she says this, "Mom, can you believe he doesn't even love his parents? Because he loves me with ALL his heart, he doesn't have any room left for even his parents!"

Ya, how cute is she?!

The T Funnies

Conversations with a five year old:

Me: "I didn't say you could get into that trail mix"
"I got them with my permission"

While taking the sacrament on Sunday:
"Is the snackrament almost done?"

After coming home from the Fathers and Sons campout:
"Mom, Dad bought me coughing free Coke!" (caffeine free)

In Primary on Sunday during sharing time, they asked who could close their eyes and recite the Fifth Article of Faith:
T closed his eyes tight and carefully said "The Fifth Article of Fatih!!"

A conversation between a 4 yr. old and a 5 yr. old today:
"Dogs can't fly."
"Yes they can"
"Ya, I know they can"

Do you ever stop to realize the hilarious things kids say...every day? Sometimes I just have to stop myself and laugh at the conversations I just had. I'll miss the funny things...it goes by much too quickly.

Note the pen all over his dirty face, and of course, Ninja costume.

Is it just me?

So...is it just me or are less and less people blogging? It seems like Facebook has been satisfying my need to vent in small sentences. But I really want to keep blogging so that I can make it into a fab-o book someday. Are you all reading as many blogs as you used to? Are you posting as often? Is this just my imagination?
Thank you. Amen.

What a difference a year makes

Just a year ago little T was looking like this...with his long locks and tininess.

and doing things like this....just know I had already cleaned 80% of the M&M's up. There were multiple bags opened and eaten.

And now...believe it or not, I kind of miss those days. Every day was an adventure. Wondering what he'd do next. What he'd dump out next, or what he'd climb. I really thought he may just always be that way. But now he's Mr. T. He's so grown up and has mellowed out tremendously. Granted, he still is a mischief maker, but near what he used to be. LIfe is starting to pass me by. I need to stop and watch it.
2 of my favorite Mr's....

He's a growin

The little, fragile baby is gone. Now he's plumping up, smiling, trying to talk and is the happiest little baby. I feel so incredibly blessed. Five has been a small adjustment, but on the whole I feel like it's gone...going...quite smoothly. I don't have many spare minutes in my day. I wish I had more of that. By the time the kids go to bed, the only thing I was to do is lay down and sleep! I need to use that time a little more wisely. Maybe in a few months I will. :)

Right now I can hear the 4 babes in the girls room talking about owies and reading books. They really love each other. Chasers is sleeping. I could watch him sleep all day. But I don't, because then I would fall asleep with him. I have 5 loads of laundry to fold in my room, dishes to unload, a kitchen to finish cleaning, bills to pay and clutter all over my desk. But I will go and read to my munchie munchkins instead. Jasper can fold the clothes and do the dishes when he gets home. :)

My Tae Tae

My little babes is 3. It seems like she was just born. It seems like I was just 14. It's so weird because I still feel like the same person I was when I was 14...perhaps a tad more mature, but not much. Where does the time go?
I love these of Tae and wanted to share...
Doesn't frolicking in the meadow look fun?
That look....she is getting to fiesty. Hands on hips ordering me around. The girl means business when she wants something. But mostly she's just such a sweetie.

Mother knows best

I called my mom today to chat. She is such an amazing, kind, exemplary mother. While we were talking about her own baby getting ready to get married, she got a little choked up. After talking for a while she said through some tears (I'm paraphrasing) " I wish I could just back to Payson when you were all so little". Now, this statement is to me a very powerful one. Because- when she lived in Payson she was raising small small children. As in, she was 32 years old (my age) and had 7 children, 12 and under. We lived in a very modest house. The main level was something like 1000 square feet. We had a basement that was partly finished a couple years before we moved. And we only had one bathroom.

I said, "really?" "Yes, in a heartbeat. You were all so good. The only thing I had to worry about was how wild Eric was." One day I'm going to say that. Of all of the time spans of her life, that was the one she wanted to go back to. I of course, started to cry. I think we both needed a cry. So often I think I neeeed a bigger house, this or that. But I don't. It's not what's important. I never felt like that house was small. Ever. Until I drive by it now...I'm sure if I was to go in I'd be shocked at how small it really was.

I do love how right now my kiddies are all at such a great age. They're happy, they love me, they adore each other, they're so teachable, humble, and full of spirit. In a few more short years, I won't have total control over their coming and goings, or the choices they'll make. I'm going to wish for a dirty house. I'll wish for a house full of little voices asking for things, tattle telling and wanting kisses on their owies.

The second statement that spoke to my heart, was when we were talking about my dirty house. Really dirty today. I won't go into details. :) But she said, well you can either clean up or do something that will be make a difference. Now sometimes we have to clean. That's a given. But so many times, I choose to clean, or do other things, instead of making a difference- an impression, grasping an opportunity to teach, or just to scoop up a child and cuddle. I must constantly remind myself that a clean house is not my top priority. So I will cherish my babies and leave the couch cushions strung across the living room floor. For a little while anyway.

It's strange how whenever I speak to my mom it's like I revert back to being little. I feel safe to cry, safe to just be me. When I was in labor with Maddie, she was flying in to try and make it there for the birth. I went the all natural route and was having really good contractions. But I was a quiet laborer. No crying, no noise really. She called to see how I was, and as soon as I heard her voice, broke down in tears. Something inside me just gave in. It's so funny how that happens. I think we always want our moms to be proud, to be there to pick us up when we're sad. Sometimes I still want to just crawl on her lap and nuzzle into her neck. Get ready mom. :) I hope that my children will all feel as safe as I do with my mom. So for those of you who don't have a mega supportive, loving mama out there, you can borrow mine. She will love you.

There were more bits she said to me that I really needed to hear today. So thank you mom. I feel so blessed to have you as my mother. One day, maybe I'll be just like you. I can only hope...

What was all that shouting?

A friend emailed me this and I loved it so much I had to share:

"This life is the second estate over the prospects of which we once shouted for joy (Job 38:7), even though there may be brief moments when we might wonder what all that shouting was about." Neal A. Maxwell

France

We just got back from an amazing trip to France. Jaspers brother was married in Villefranche- a little town that overlooks the Mediterranean. It was gorgeous. I was only going to post a few pics but I know myself...if I don't do it now I won't... EVER.

We of course took baby Chase. He was a trooper. Slept most of the time. Never cried once on the flights to France, and just a bit fussy on the way home. He'd wake up to smile and coo at us. Most of his time was spent in the Baby Bjorn on Jasper. We went with Jaspers parents, brother and cousin.

This was one of my faves of Ry and Chase...can you say Tender?

We stayed most of the time in Mougin- in south of France right near Cannes. We had a lovely view of this quaint little city. Chase was adored plenty this trip.

Right after a bath- looking at Jazz. He's such a good good baby. Only cries after he's politely let you know he needs something. I love you Chasers.

We went to Cannes one of the first days there. It was really pretty...We spent a lot of time in round-abouts. And I seriously ate more fantastic food on this trip than I have in a long long time.

Moving on....a day before the wedding we went to Nice and stayed there a couple nights. Rams came to hang out with us....we did lots of eating that day. Hot chocolate, baguettes, chocolate croissants for breakfast (healthy hey), frog legs for lunch- surprisingly good! Then a rehearsal dinner that night with more amazing amazing foooooood. I think I gained like 10 lbs. But really I don't care because I'm already having to loose over 20 lbs, what's 10 more?

A marvelous cathedral in Nice...
This was the view from our hotel room...how awesome is THAT?! To the right...
To the left. Ry and J stayed next door to us.
And straight ahead. I think people were spying on us from those windows. If I lived there, I'd spy on everyone...all day long.
So on to the wedding. It was so beautiful. The place they were married was tucked away on a hillside over looking the sea. This was the view from the terrace where they were married. Seriously.

The always stunning Ashley. I'm so happy she's finally "offically" my sister. It's taken way too long. :) She's such a beautiful person inside and out. I love love love you Ash!!!
The boys...This was the only "normal" photo of them, they're always pulling crazy faces.

The day after the wedding...at the brunch. We took a normal pic first, then I looked at it and couldn't believe how SHORT I was...OK, am. So they all came down to my level. Thanks guys.

Later that day we went to Monoco, to Monte Carlo. It was a really pretty city, but kinda boring...so we got a little hyper and took loads of retarded photos. I'll spare you the rest. Jaspers cousin Lissa and hubby Jason hung out with us that day. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. brrruuuuhahahahaha!



What?! What's this...Chase is awake....
Next was our very favorite place: Antibes. It was so beautiful! cobblestone walkways, amazing little houses and streets. A huge market place, with every kind of good food imaginable. A Picaso museum, and of course, a fabulous beach.

This city is over 200o years old...it's so amazing... beautimous I say.
If you look really closely, you can see the Alps in the background....



We also got married while we were there. My hair was especially hot. And my cleavage was a little out of control.

The seat belt laws in France are a little more laid back. hahaha, joke.

Goodbye my favorite little city!

The day we left...Chase was even sad.
I will miss the chocolate.