How do you KNOW when you are done having kids? I've heard people say that they just know. I think I've had that feeling up until just a few months ago. If I'm to have more why would I have had that feeling for almost 2 years? I don't really want another child right now. I'm 100% not opposed to having more, I feel like I'm really open to whatever is in store for me. But I honestly thought I was good to go, up until now. So...I've heard some Mom's say they still don't feel done still - and these are older women whose children are grown, so they stopped because they knew they should. So in that case why do they still feel that uterus yearning for more? (ya, I know that was a weird why to describe such feelings) So how do you know?? What's this feeling- a feeling of absolute completion, or just at your witts end...tell me!! Besides why am I so worried about this? Am I just thinking about it because I've never gone so long without having a baby blossoming in my belly, or is a little soul knocking at my door even though right now I don't feel 100% ready?Maybe I need to pray a little more...
Come on...how can I not have another one of these;
Friday, February 22, 2008
How do you know?
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Jen-ben
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26 comments:
I often wonder this same thing . . . I thought i felt "that feeling" after my 3rd kid turned 14 months and began to change from the perfect baby into the challenging toddler. My family felt "good". But about a month later I discovered I was pregnant with #4 so I obviously don't know what "that feeling" is - or else I really need to be a bit more careful with my birth control methods!!!! I often confuse "that feeling" with the "I'm at my wits end and can't handle anymore" feeling.
My mind remembers your previous blog from a week ago or so though where your sister reminded us all that the Lord should maybe be involved or consulted in this matter as well. Maybe He can help us have a feeling one way or the other as to what is in store or bring us peace or calm our "yearning uteruses" - or at least you could tell Him it was in His hands. Although i think I may have said similiar to that in one of my prayers a month or two before I thought I felt good about being done - and then we got the "surprise" #4 - so I guess He did take matters into His hands. Mine I ramble on. Sorry about the long comment.
I have never felt done. But I do feel at peace. I want another child with all my heart and our family prays daily that another little soul can find their way to our home. But I am at peace that this is in the Lords hands and he will send one if it is his will.
I know you are in a different situation than I am. I think that you might have felt done while your little one was little because it was not time for another one. Or not. But I don't know. You are the only one that can make that determination.
Prayer is the only answer. You will know in your heart what is right for you and your family. One thing I know is that how big your family is is not a contest. Sometimes I feel that people think others are more righteous because they have a big family. But there are very righteous people who have not had the privilege of having kids. So I don't believe that is true.
Just some thoughts. Children are a blessing. I am grateful for the three that I have, but they are not easy and I think you should only have as many as you are physically, financially, spiritually and mentally able to handle. Do you know what I mean? Good question. M
I think that some women who "know" have just made up their minds, one way or another. But I also think that other women "know" because they are listening to the spirit. It's like how you know whether something is right or wrong for you.
After we had Jackson, I thought we'd have another one down the road, but I didn't "know" it. But after I had Wyatt, like RIGHT after, I just KNEW we weren't done. I just knew it. This time, I wasn't sure one way or another, because Eric wasn't sure. But the other day, we both just felt like "yeah, we'll have another one" all of a sudden. It was like there was someone nudging us, whispering in our ear something, and we heard.
Maybe that'll change, maybe it won't, but all I figure I can do is listen for that little voice, for those promptings, and pray about it. Also, it's got to be something that both you and your hubby have to feel the same about; and that's a big big deal.
I don't know if I've made any sense.
I really don't have any idea how people know. And I don't know why some people know and others don't. I had a friend whose mom had her last baby at home, they didn't make it to the car, much less the hospital. But as they were all gathered around, looking at the baby, the mom looked at all her kids and said, "Oh, we're all here now." She just knew that her family was complete. I thought that was pretty amazing.
But, I don't know how you can make yourself know. Sorry! Good luck! I love you!
I think for most women it's their husband saying, "YOU ARE DONE!" (At least that's my experience.) I don't mean to make light of this, but I had a dream about you and this very decision last night. I meant to call you this morning, but I forgot until now. I'm calling you right now.
By the way...I chose to ignore my husband. It worked with Paige, let's see if it will work with another one. :)
I always hear older women saying "Gotta get my baby fix" - So I think I can understand the lady's comment about never being done. It's instinctual - We were put on this earth to bear children - we have to have those feelings!
Whenever, I mean ALWAYS, when I see a new little baby, I want it to be mine. I could give birth and hold that little baby a million times over... I don't think there is a sweeter experience.
I don't feel done, (Although Jess WANTS TO BE)- I feel like I'll know when I am - just like I knew when I was ready to start our family and become a mom.
I've always felt strongly that it's a matter of prayer - but I think as LDS women we will always most likely lean toward having more...because there are questions like "Did I have *enough*?" (whatever that means), "Is there someone else up there?"...hello, whoever grew up with 'Saturdays Warrior' can't NOT help but think that! I guess what I'm trying to say is I think if we're able, Heavenly Father would love to bless us with another child. I don't think he would take the possition of - you have too many, if you're asking about it.
I think back in the day, women were 'done' when their bodies passed the bearing of children stage, or for whatever reason their baby parts needed to be removed.
Who knows. I confuse myself!
I remember being in RS when I had my two girls, 4 yrs and 2 yrs at the time. Someone made the comment that if we ask the Lord if we're to have another baby, we know the answer will ALWAYS be yes. But, I had just had the exact opposite experience. I was told most definitely, "Not yet, you crazy woman!" So, that was my answer to prayer. I actually tried to get around that one and ended up having a miscarriage. I knew right away that I really wasn't ready to have another baby, even if they were going to be over 3 years apart. My second child was exceedingly difficult, and I really feel the Lord knew I couldn't handle another quite yet.
As for being done, we went for a little family hike about 1 month after having my fourth. I was holding Eliza, and the three other kids were hiking up the path with their daddy. I felt an overwhelming feeling of completeness. It was peaceful for the moment, but actually made me really, really sad once I thought about it.
My mom gave me good advice when I got married. I was stressed out because for some odd reason I felt like I had to have six kids--being the oldest of six must have something to do with it. I told my mom I didn't think I could handle it. She said that I should only have as many kids as I can be a good mother to. I was shocked. I thought having lots of babies was a requirement (I know, it's odd, but don't we do this to ourselves as Mormon women? I think it's just a natural thought pattern for many of us.) She also said some women have too many, can't handle it and end up having a nervous breakdown. She mentioned that her sister had four, but would've been a good mom to one. It was a very interesting perspective.
So, I have been in semi-mourning because I think we're done. I mentioned this to my daughter's piano teacher, an older lady in our ward, and she said she had to go through the mourning process, too. Then she had to pick herself up and enjoy moving onto the next stage of life. I think that's where I am now.
Everyone's experience is different, but I do want to be able to have enough of myself to go around to the four I have. They have such differing needs, and I'd rather be a good mom to four than a stretched-too-thin mom to five. I love having my babies, but they grow up to be teenagers. I want to be as fully vested in my teenagers, as I am with my babies.
This is where the novel ends...Very good question, Jen.
Oh my gosh, I leave the longest posts on your blog. Sorry! I swear, my normal posts are just two or three sentences. You ask good questions!
I wish I could tell you! I feel the same as you, I don't know either. I knew I wasn't done after Jack (my third) even sitting in the delivery room having him I knew that. But I don't know now after my 4th. I go back and forth...good question, I'll keep reading to see what people have to say!
Jen, your questions are always something important to me too, and so I always want to answer! Then I read all the other comments (you have many wise friends) and realize they have already said what I would. I have learned something from some of them today. Thank you!
I agree with that picture you just added to this - how can you not have more??? You definitely have adorable kids - I don't say that to just anyone. They are really just the cutest things!!! According to my mom, people who have really cute kids and are such good moms like you, should have a dozen!!
Note: This was just a comment about the adorable picture you added and should in no way be taken for advice, wisdom, nosiness, etc. I already left my rambling comment of nonsense earlier.
i was just having this conversation with a friend. I have no idea if a person feels "done". i am hoping I will someday, because I know I don't at this point. I'm sure you will make a wise decision. I would guess that part of your feeling the last few months does come from this being the largest gap without being pregnant, but what do i know? good luck!
Maybe it's kind of like figuring out how much service you need to give. There are always more good things to be done, but you are the one who needs to decide if you have the strength and time to do them, and if you'll be fair to your family by doing them. I agree with having as many as you can be a good mom to. If it's going to be too much, it'll be bad for everyone. But if you can handle another one, you should do it. And if you feel like the Lord wants you to have another one, He'll help you be able to handle it.
Just try not using any birth control, if you get pregnant it's meant to be, if not then its not meant to be. He he, just had to throw that in with all this serious talk. If I followed that we certainly would not be working so hard to adopt, I know the Lord wants children for us. Jen, just trust yourself. You and Jasper have obviously made good family decisions consistently in the past. If you live the commandments and seek the guidance of the spirit you will know what is right for you as a mom and a woman and what is right for your family. I have complete faith in that.
ABSOLUTE darling picture of Tae by the way.
Wow, you all have such good ideas! Thank you so much for all of them!! It's so nice to get good advice...and never feel judged :).
I think Jana hit the nail on the head. Jana you're a genius!
I totally think you'd be able to handle another one since Tae's already older. It's been really nice for me having these last two closer to 3 years apart. Plus I feel like I'll be able to suck up all the gloriousness of her little years more easily with the other ones in school.
I thought I would mourn over not being pregnant ever again, but I'm so happy to be done with it. What I'm already mourning though is not having more 2 or 3 year olds. My baby's only 9 months old and I'm already dreading the day she goes to kindergarten.
Hi Jen! I found your blog on Colette's. I loved going through it. (Hope you don't mind. :)) You are a great photographer AND a great writer! I wish a had some better insight into "the feeling" but I'm at the stage where all I know is I want a lot more! Even when Josh is blowing out every diaper with diarrhaea like today! I'm just so grateful he doesn't have castes on. Yuck.
There are six kids in my family and after the fourth my mom had that feeling that there were more and she desperately wanted more. The doctor told her she physically couldn't get pregnant. On the way home she was sobbing so hard that a cop pulled her over. She didn't realize she was going about 30 on the freeway! Anyway, miraculously she had two more. I guess if they're supposed to come they're gonna oome!
You make good points! It will be clear to you if you trust Heavenly Father!
Please e-mail me with your e-mail address! I can't find it anywhere and I have a couple questions for you- amberrhoton@yahoo.com
I wish I just knew. Somedays I think it would be great to have one or two more, others I think I'd like to get rid of the two that I have. J/K Then I get to thinking what if it takes another five years for me to get pregnant again. UGH! Do I really want three kids that are all five years apart, someday sure others not really. It's like starting all over again. I wish there was some clear way of knowing, but I guess as always, a power much higher than we are already has the plan, we just have to be patient and see what is in store!
Matthew and Maddie are so alike, laid back, easy going, great kids. They would really be perfect together! Oh and Emma could give Tan a run for his money!! She's not into dumping cereal, but she did empty a whole cup of milk on my couches ...they are still crunchy! UGH! I guess I will be buying that new Oreck steam cleaner that I have been wanting for a while now. WOW! How opposite my two are.
I don't know if I can really add anything that hasn't already been said. For me even having my two so close together I just know that I have at least one more. I guess my feeling is that I will keep going until I don't have that inspiration that there's another one meant for my family. But to be honest I hope there's only one more. I'd be okay with 3.
I'm not really adding anything of value by commenting. All I can say is to go with your instincts and the spirit. That's the only way to make the right decision about something so important to and your family.
As far as how I know that I'm done: First, my husband says we are. I know that sounds weird, but if one of you in the marriage feels that way about something, it obviously isn't the time to go and do the opposite. Also, if you're going to have a bigger sized family, you really need the support of a husband who is fully on board with having that number of kids and is willing to REALLY HELP.
Second, I know in my soul that I would be spread too thin with five kids and would not be a good mother.
I could have sixteen kids because holding that newborn baby is soooo sweet. But the bottom line for me is that each baby is a whole individual that you are responsible for and it really is an enormous amount of work. At least it is for me.
I just love that you have been posting about this lately, it's really been on my mind a lot too. I don't know if I am done, how to know when I am done, but I feel done for now. I just keep trying to remind myself that I am young and I have plenty of time to make that decision. That doesn't stop it from popping into my mind on almost a daily basis though. Glad I am not the only one that is giving this a lot of thought.
On a separate note, I would love to add you to my blog if you don't mind...you know, to officially delurk myself. I can't get enough of your photos and thoughts.
I think it is a combination between your gut feeling (the Spirit)and using your brain. My experience has been that you can plan all you want, but ultimately it is in God's hands. Sometimes that decision is taken from you. We have been trying for so long and have felt like we were following the plan God has for us, trusting those feelings, and yet it still hasn't happened. Maybe our feelings are meant to lead us down a different path but in order to get there we needed to trust them and act on them. Who knows? Adoption, foster care, or a whole lot of nighttime fun and closeness. Harhar *laugh like a dirty old man here*. Good luck with it all. You never know what your path may lead you to.
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