Mullings....
Does anyone else go to bed at night and feel an overwhelming sense of guilt? I do that. I go in to peek at my beautiful sleeping angels, who during the day are ofter crazy hyper devils, and feel such an overwhelming sense of love toward them. Then I recommit myself to be a superb mother. Then I wake up the next day. The process starts all over again. I do feel like I am enjoying motherhood more and more. It seems like even though I now have 5 children, it's almost easier than when I had 3 little ones. How could that be? I don't know, but I'm so grateful to feel that way. But I still wish I could be better, and do more. I tried yesterday to play "family" with Tae. She was the "sweetie" and I was the "mom". Seemed pretty much reality to me.
I was talking one of my bff's today- Simone about what a supermom she is. She really is. She is gorgeous, she entertains frequently, has 4 amazing children, she's an avid runner, makes beautiful jewelry, so so so so kind and personable- one of those people who everyone wants to be friends with, unbelievable patient, always has a CLEAN CLEAN house, and to top it all off a solid member of the church. One of those people who actually IS/behaves christian (which I most definitely can't always say of myself). Anyway, even though I can see all of the things she is, she doesn't think she's "that great". Why do we do that to ourselves? What on earth possesses us to think that about ourselves? I was naming all of things she's so good at and she said, "ya, but you have photography". Which brings me to my next point. The guilt. Soooooo much of my guilt comes from working too much. I could be doing more motherly things during the day instead of editing. It's so hard to balance. I love it, but hate it at the same time. I keep wondering if 5 years down the road I'm going to look back and think 'why why why did I give so much of my time to that'. I know I've said this before. I say it all of the time. And for now, I justify working because Jasper is still in the process of rebuilding his business. So he brings home only half of what he was when the whole job mess began a YEAR ago. I can't believe it's been that long. So...isn't it weird that we're always comparing ourselves to other people? Why do we do that? I don't ever hear Jasper saying, oh, I wish my butt was more like so and so's. But it would be hilarious if he did. And this brings me to another point, do you think LDS women are harder on themselves? And why? Depression meds are prescribed more here in Utah than anywhere else.
So....that is what I have been thinking about today. Sorry if it's hodge podge, but I hate proof reading posts. So I'm not going to. :)
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13 comments:
My doctor brother once spoke to a group of LDS women and mentioned that LDS women are indeed prescribed more anti-depressants than other groups of women. I believe it's because we put so much pressure on ourselves to be good because we know what our true potential is and what we ought to be.
Also, I just read a book called "Toss the Guilt and Catch the Joy" by Merilee Boyack. It's very uplifting, funny, and helpful in regards to dealing with guilt and all the reasons we have it. I'm sure you could find it at any Deseret Book, or I have a copy if you want to borrow it.
Thanks for the post Jen! You are one of those amazing moms, so don't feel guilty for anything. We are supposed to use our talents- and photography is one of your talents. Think of all the people you make happy when they see their pics you take.
I think that guilt just comes with being a mother. And I would definitely not feel guilty for working more. You are helping to support Jasper and your kiddos, and you need to look at it as a blessing that you are able to do that and to help ease any burdens.
And I definitely feel that LDS women are harder on themselves. It seems so much is expected of us. We have so much to balance and seem like we always have to have this appearance that life is grand. Parts of it are, parts of it aren't. I don't think we should be afraid to show the parts that aren't. And there's my hodge podge comment....
I've heard the statistic also. We do have a lot to do and know that there's always more to do. More kids to have, more temple work to do, more teaching your kids, more home cooked meals, more visiting teaching (which apparently is "never done"...not that I have issue with that but it was an interesting point), more quality time with family...etc.
But we cannot beat ourselves up so much!! Goodness. We all see SO much good in each other and discount all those things in ourselves. I think we need to recognize those good things in ourselves as being gifts and blessings that the Lord has given us. I think sometimes we start by just wanting to be modest and not brag on ourselves but end up completely discounting all that good that we do and all the good that we Are.
It makes me think of the other night...Bryce and I were just up talking in bed and I was telling him how I had felt that I had been blessed in certain situations throughout my life where I have been able to help another person and while saying it...even to my hubby....I was nervous that I would sound like I was bragging or something. dumb dumb dumb!
Jen, I have spent TONS of time at your house over the years. You adore your kids, your kids adore you. You are an amazing mother with this amazing talent that is allowing you to help so so much financially right now. In five years I really do believe you'll look back and know that you did what you could for your situation and you'll be so so grateful that you will have stayed OUT OF DEBT! holy cow. Can you imagine? If you weren't able to contribute? Or if you were to have to work outside the home and put your kids in Day care?
You'll look back and maybe wish for a little more time to cuddle and play with them but you know what? What mom won't? Just like you were saying. It's a woman/mother/LDS woman...thing. lol We have a high calling. And it's ok.
I LOVE YOU!
ps-I'm allowed to say those things even though I don't have kids because "i'm younger and purer and more in touch with cosmic powers" ;)
(name that movie?)...and sorry it's so long!
I so understand everything you just wrote. I am already feeling the mother guilt and I'm just 9 months into it! I hate it, I used to feel like I was really good at most things I did, now I feel like I am good at nothing! Why is that? I used to feel like a super wife, caring nurse, good friend, helpful to those around me. Now with just one baby that all seems to have ended. Steve is a second thought if that, my career is ending as a nurse, I hardly talk to my friends, and feel like I have little left to contribute to those around me. I hate it.
I keep hoping that by doing the important things it will be enough. Daily scripture study, prayer, and FHE. Hopefully it will get better.
The thing I love most about this post is the title. I am anxiously awaiting a post entitled "For Emily." It will probably be filled with stories about butterflies and rainbows and will probably make you tear up a bit. So, I completely understand if it takes a while for you to write it. Take your time...No pressure.
I defnitely think 5 is easier than one or two. I'm a much, MUCH better Mom to five kids than I was when I just had Austin. Poor Austin. I wish I could start over with him.
And I already told you - We asked my mom why she had so many pictures of us sleeping, and she said, "That is when I loved you the most." You described my daily cycle.
Sleep: Guilt
Awake: Impatient
Let me know when you figure it out.
I love the way your kids look at you. They obviously A.D.O.R.E. you. You can see it in their eyes. They like you just the way you are. And I think you are a fabulous mom who is better at balance than you think.
I don't know what to say about the depression thing. It's a tough one. We do compare way, WAY too much. Personally, with the more children I have and as more and more birthday's pass, I feel less and less inclined to put up a "perfect" front. And I find that I can't really have close relationships with people who insist on displaying perfection. I think real people are so much more interesting.
Oh, and I totally wish my butt were more like yours...or maybe Jasper's.
Love you!
Now these are the posts that I miss the most! So so true. And I SO agree with the post above mine (emily's) about "perfection."
You are amazing Jen- never doubt!
I don't know of anyone that doesn't think you are great all around!
oh and "crazy hyper devils".....lol. I was looking for a way to describe my kids the hour or two before bedtime.....
Great post. Glad you're back.
Kids sleeping=yeah!
Recognizing the small moments and savoring them=smart mama. You obviously do that. Who the heck is perfect?! Sheesh. There will always be girls who are smarter, thinner, prettier, better housekeepers, better cooks, better VTers, better crafty chicks, better at balancing life, family, church and career.
Whatever.
I personally think you seem pretty comfy in your own skin and I so admire that.
Of course you'll wish for more time with your kids (who won't?), but you are aware of the need for balance, so you'll find it. And your kids will TOTALLY admire you for using your talents. Women aren't made to just clean toilets all day, and the stereotype drives me nuts. Like someone said before, what a blessing that you HAVE this talent, that you've created a business and that you're making some moo-la. That is an excellent example to your kids (daughters esp.)...and probably keeps you off those depression drugs! ha!!
Good, good, good for you!!
Great post. Glad you're back.
Kids sleeping=yeah!
Recognizing the small moments and savoring them=smart mama. You obviously do that. Who the heck is perfect?! Sheesh. There will always be girls who are smarter, thinner, prettier, better housekeepers, better cooks, better VTers, better crafty chicks, better at balancing life, family, church and career.
Whatever.
I personally think you seem pretty comfy in your own skin and I so admire that.
Of course you'll wish for more time with your kids (who won't?), but you are aware of the need for balance, so you'll find it. And your kids will TOTALLY admire you for using your talents. Women aren't made to just clean toilets all day, and the stereotype drives me nuts. Like someone said before, what a blessing that you HAVE this talent, that you've created a business and that you're making some moo-la. That is an excellent example to your kids (daughters esp.)...and probably keeps you off those depression drugs! ha!!
Good, good, good for you!!
I like to think that my role as a friend is to make other women feel better about themselves. See my house? Such a mess. See my bad attitude? No problem! If I try to make other women think I'm perfect, then they just feel bad about themselves! Do you know anybody who you look down on because they don't do motherhood, housewifing, or christianing as well as you? No...we all see the good in others, so at least you don't have to worry about what others think about you. maybe we should work on seeing ourselves the way others see us, and think, "hey, I AM pretty awesome!"
LOL - Jana, that is totally me too! I always say that when people see me they probably think, "Well, life isn't great but I am certainly doing better than her!"
There are times I wish it wasn't so, but I don't think there is really much I can do to change anything in this life.
Jen - I love this post! I guess it is sad but it makes me feel a bit better than even a "supermom" like you feels the way I do. And I guess that is the point. We ALL doubt ourselves at times, we all have issues, the point is to not let those issues bring you to despair. Trust in the Lord and know that if you do the best YOU can with your kids - that is all that counts! They were sent to you because you were the best there was for them (and vice versa)!
I've thought about posting a blurb similar to yours on my blog for awhile now, so thanks for doing it for me! I'm always thinking about things I should be/could be doing, or how I'm not doing this or that well enough. It's like a mile-long list of improvements to work on or goals to reach. It's a scary path; it starts with self-doubt and before you know it you're wallowing in misery and depression. Okay that's a little extreme, but still...I also look at people and see how great they are (ie you're a fantastic mother and photographer, spiritually amazing, have a great personality, are beautiful) and wonder what is so great about me or what I can do. Sometimes I DON'T set goals too high because I don't want to feel disappointed when I don't reach them. I don't too often reach for the stars--which is too bad because how can you be successful at anything if you're too scared to even try? I do think we as LDS women hold our self to too-high expectations and pick ourselves apart when we don't live up to them. And who can, really? It's a tough thing to overcome but if we want to be happy we have to learn that God does not expect perfection; why should we? Wow, sorry for the novel here. It's a big thing that's always on my mind. It's nice to vent a little along with people who actually share the same concerns.
Hey lady. Long time. I've come to the knowledge that women are just wired with guilt. It's that simple.
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