My aunt a while back told me about a lesson she taught about not being judgmental- because we never know what's going on in peoples lives. She started out her lesson by asking each person to write down what they are now struggling with, anonymously of course. She said it was amazing to see what people she knew were going through that she didn't know about. I've thought about this a lot. This is one reason I like blogging, and reading other peoples blogs, it's like the journal that speaks back kind, encouraging words. And you can see that so many others are going through similar hardships. SO, I thought it would be interesting to pick your brains and hearts. What are you going through right now...or in the past, that has been/is difficult? To me, it is freeing to open up this way. I am really concerned about if we should have another baby or not. It's on my mind all of the time... I want to feel done, but I can't tell if I feel complete or not. I hate post-pardom. My hormones are out of control, the crying all of the time, the sleep deprivation is not a highlight in my life.... I'm at such a great stage in my life just like it is. It's a big decision, and I don't want to mess it up. I know this is not big compared to most peoples struggles...but that's because I'm a wimp. Please share, leave a comment- anonymously if you'd prefer.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Trials...not Trails.
(p.s. I don't know why I titled this trials...not trails. I'm strange.)
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Jen-ben
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I totally can share in your thoughts right now. Not that I want to necessarily have a baby tomorrow, but I do wonder if there is someone else to be added to my family or if I am done. I don't know why I am so concerned with it either. I am young, it's not like I have to decide right now whether or not to add to my family. I have plenty of time. But for some reason it's occupied my thoughts now more than any other time in my life.
Then there are just the struggles of juggling motherhood, feeling inadequate and so on. Life is a challange, but I am trying so hard to be happy with that.
Definitely deep feelings of inadequacy....and pride. They don't really coincide, so that's strange, but still, something I really do struggle with.
Hi lovey! I know you already know this, but right now I am struggling with my inability to get pregnant. It has been almost 1.5 years. You would think with my previous two successes it would be easy, but it's not. There is a part of me that blames myself for this. I must be too over weight...or unhealthy...chemically imbalanced...or something.
I also struggle with the usual feelings of inadequacy as a mother and wife and an over-developed sense of perfectionism. These ridiculous weaknesses, unfortunately, affect my husband and children as well. When this happens, I feel guilty. So, there you have a nice sum up ;)
You'll know what to do with your little family, have no fear. You have always been so close to the Spirit. Those answers will come when they need to.
Love you sepsy!!!
Can I just say I love you? I really do.
My trial is my son. He brings me so much anger, frustration, hoplessness and heartache that I feel like life would be so much easier without him. SHOCK!!! I know, I'm sure I just freaked some people out to think that I could not want one of my own flesh and blood in my life at many times. That is hard for me to say because I don't think a lot of people understand it. It's a motherly instinct to love and protect our own children, not wish they weren't apart of our lives at times. I struggle with the fact that I don't love him as naturally as my other children, I honestly have to work at it. I don't understand him, I don't get him, I don't relate to him and I don't know why he was sent to me, I feel at times that it was a horrible mistake that he was sent to me because of the feelings that I have for him. These feelings often get discounted by others because they don't understand how I could possibly feel that. If I dare ever breath that I wish he would just go away somehow, they say, "No you don't, you don't really feel that." Well, YES, I DO! But I just don't say anything at all. What mother on this planet would ever admit that they have a child that they wish TOO often, was not apart of their family??? That life would be SO much easier without him? I know he's not going away. He is going to be with me and I need to learn how to love him and raise him well, and I know he will be a trial in my life for a long time. Well, I admited it. Thanks for giving me this chance to actually say those words.
My trials are so personal that I don't even feel comfortable sharing them like this. It's a hard thing about having a family of your own-- my children's and my husband's trials are trials to me too, but because they're not my own, I can't share them. There are some things that I've been dying to talk about with somebody, but I'd be betraying confidences. I just have to keep them to myself . . . and even keep to myself the fact that I'm struggling.
This post is so right-on. Such a good thing to remember, you really never know what people are going through.
See my blog for my past trials...just posted it today. How funny that it would coincide with your posting. :-)
trials?? oh so many I could go on for awhile...one being the slowing housing market in Flag so now I have to be without my husband 3 days a week while he goes to Tucson for work. We just can't pay bills without it so I have to give him up and being thatI am having my 5th child at 37.. I am struggling with the whole tubal thing and the church's feelings on it and my own. I know I am done now and I have to have C-sections. It would be risky for me to even consider another one. Let's just say I am struggling with these things and others.. It's nice to read about other peoples struggles and see that we all go through things at different times. I appreciate ALL their comments and can relate. Thanks Jen!
Jen, you know of the struggles I had in highschool. I think I elaborated more on a past post, don't know if you had the chance to read it because I wrote it about 1 month after the post.So that's a big one but I feel I should have outgrown by now, but I think some people still think of me as an irresponsible.
Another struggle is religion, faith, death. I have never found a religion that I just feel right in. I have always thought of religion as a personal thing. It's hard to express it or join with other people that are so open about it. I feel ackward and uncomfortable around people who have this undying need to be so open about their beliefs. I don't know what my beliefs are. I have tried... believe me I have tried. I just haven't found where I belong.
Faith- I have always been afraid that one day I would finally believe in God (I'm not an atheist) and I would find out it is a farce like Santa Claus. It's a terrible feeling and I think most people wonder about my spitiuality. It's always been a struggle for me. You can't just grab faith out of the air and have it. It's not like that for everyone.
Death- I am mortified of death. I am terrified of infinity. I don't even like to talk to my kids about it because it scares the daylights out of me. Yet, I work in a job that I am surrounded by it. In some way I am curious about it. Does that make sense?
I know I am a good person. I love life. Sadly, I feel like I have lost many LDS friends because I have not been active. Just because I don't go to church doesn't mean I am a drug dealer, an alcoholic or a child abuser. For crying out loud I got my first speeding ticket a week ago!! I love my kids, and my family. I should not be judged by whether or not my face appears at church. Anyway, I know everyone has there own struggles. This is mine. OR should I say these are just a few of mine. Thanks for the confession time!
And here I've been feeling all alone with my struggles - but everyone around me has them too. Just like me! My first reaction is that I am truly struggling with keeping house. Can't even keep ONE room clean for ONE day!! Then there are the rooms that haven't been clean for forever. But the real struggle makes me feel selfish when I compare it with what I perceive other people's problems are. I'm about to have my fifth child, and I'm already mourning the fact that it will have to be my last because of medical reasons. It just doesn't feel right to me to end with five, but -- well how can I say that NOW? While I'm pregnant? (we all know the hormones kick in big time and somehow DON'T help when you're trying to be rational) And what are my options? Adopt? With all the people I know who have none of their own children and are struggling to adopt even one? Anyway, thanks for the outlet, Jen! I love your blogs.
Sending out lovey vibes to all you wonderful girlies! Thanks for sharing!
XOXOXO
What's this about the church's feelings on tubals? (the comment by a day in the life of the campbell's)Is that the LDS church? I didn't know they had a stance on that.
I've been very grateful lately to have had a break from big trials. My current worry: I think I have TMJ. Or actually the offical term is TMD, but basically it means my jaw and ear ache all the time. I find it so so difficult to accomplish anything or be patient with my kids when I'm in even a little pain. I don't know how Jason does it, he's in one kind of pain or another almost all the time.
problems in my marriage..still in love but dealing with some emotional abuse
And Jen- don't even think about getting pregnant just to get out of going on the Trek in July. Believe me- I've had the same thoughts cross my mind. :-)
WE are going on the trek in June as well. I read someone's comment about the trek. I have felt those same feelings as you. I do know that I'm not done with 4. I just pray I will get that feeling at some point before 10 kids hahaha
Our family business has not been as productive in the past 18 months. And so our income is at about 50%. We have used up all our savings, thinking things would get better but now we are in real trouble. We have been living frugally all along, but our income is down so we are not able to meet the bills.
It is still cold here, but we turned off the heat since we can’t pay the bill. My son got sick within a day of this newest economy saving action. Now my baby is getting sick. I sleep with them, just to try and keep them warm. I feel my body heat is all I have to offer.
My husband has been trying so hard to turn things around, but nothing he does brings in enough money. It is getting him down. He is grumpy, depressed and short with all of us. Our marriage has never been so strained. Sleeping with the kids has not helped that. I feel like everything is falling apart.
The RS (women’s church group) had a lunch at a restaurant. I went but could not afford to buy a meal so I just told everyone I was not hungry. But I was…so hungry and the food smelled so good. It made me very sad that I could not tell anyone the real reason. But I can’t for I am embarrassed.
I do work out of our home so I can be with the kids. I have started applying for jobs outside the home but I have been turned down at every one I have applied for.
Our big stress right now is taxes are due in three weeks and there is no money for them. I called my dad, who is a multi millionaire (no joke - no exaggeration) and asked him to hire me for some work he needs done. I told him we needed the money for taxes and rent. He said he would think about it while he vacations for 6 weeks in Hawaii. When I hung up the phone I just cried for an hour or so. I hope he has fun lying around on a beach while his grandchildren live off of food storage and shiver under their blankets. Do I sound bitter?
I just feel so alone. I have prayed and fasted and prayed and fasted and prayed and fasted about this and the answer is… “I know what is going on and it will continue. Have faith and peace.” I guess this is just something we have to go through. I just hope we can survive.
Thanks for asking Jen, it felt good to vent. I always try to treat people as if they are going through a crises, for I know most of us are most of the time.
To my wonderfully strong anonymous poster just above... please please please email me!! I would SO love to help you!! PLEEASE!!! It would be an HONOR! XOXOXO
What a great lesson. . . it's true that you think everyone around you has the "perfect" life. . until you get to know them well. . most of the time they have gone through something extremely difficult, and if they haven't, they will. Unfortunately mine hit at the ripe ole age of 23. . . I suppose for some it starts as a young child if they are faced with abuse or divorce or such. I guess I shouldn't feel so picked on having my trial at 23, it could have been sooner. So. . . don't feel any peer pressure from me about having a baby. .I know I mention it occassionaly, but that doesn't mean I think you should or shouldn't.. . I just want to know your thoughts when I mention it. . . However, my truest thought is if you are honestly so undecided, you probably aren't done. Sorry. Sleep deprivation will pass. . it only lasts a few months anyway. Besides, you have me, an awesome friend who will babysit ANYTIME you need to sleep! If you sit on it long enough, you will know when the time is right. Love ya!
Okay, so maybe it would be good to get it out. . . where do I start? Jen, you probably all ready know all these. . . but here we go.
I was perfectly happy with everything in my life until 1 year 11 months and 8 days ago. . . when I had all my children and a great marriage. When suddenly my son was snatched right out from under me. This son, was the son every mother wished she had. Perfectly beautiful, perfectly happy, perfect. Well, I thought that was the only trial. . it was only the beginning. . then set in a tremendous amount of guilt, depression, feelings of inadequacy as a mother & wife & friend & daughter & sibling. Bizarre anxiety & paranoia. Not to mention an ever so long battle with self acceptance and low self esteem. . . wich all of the above help ever so much. . .) So, we decide to move to UT. A great idea right?!? I move here. . . and luckily I found you. . my sweet Jen. It's a good thing, because I only had you and my husband for any emotional support. . .lack of support from almost my entire family minus a sister in law and a sister who both live out of state. A business my husband started that doesn't pay 1/2 the bills. . . yikes. .. credit cards that keep climbing. . and no end in sight . and to top it all off. . . the blazing condo that James fell from is going to be foreclosed on. . . yep. . .I said it, our credit is officially screwed. Oh well, it seems like it's just been a screwy couple years. . . hopefully it doesn't get much worse than this. Hopefully we have hit rock bottom. . .yet, I still don't trust that there isn't more heart ache in store for me. . . I try to keep the faith that God isn't picking on me and there truly are blessings waiting for us, if we are patient. Sorry to rant.. . and complain-but you asked for it and it sure did feel good. Love you so much Jen. Thanks for being such a dear frined to me.
Sending big hugs to all you girls! I have to say that I have shed a few tears reading this :( I struggle with ME everyday!!! inadequacy, low self esteem, the struggle with migraines so many things!! I have 6 gorgeous kids & up until recently thought/felt I was done but I have been thinking how much I would love another baby & knowing it won't happen breaks my heart & I know that sounds selfish especially to those of you who are struggling just to get pregnant but being a mum is what I'm good at!
You know everyday I tell myself that I'm a good person & can do anything I put my mind to so why is it then that I have not lost those extra kilos that I really do need to lose, why don't I believe that I can be a great photographer, why do I have so much self doubt????
A really big thank you to Jen for putting this out there... I hope & pray that you all overcome your struggles & become much stronger for it!!
To Lindsay... don't give up hope, the struggle will be so worth it in the end!! xxxx
There are so many things I struggle with and have hard times about.
Obviously you know about my whole family issues. Thankfully there hasn't been anything going on with that since the nasty comment on my blog, of which I believe was my father's doing. But my sis and mom are coming out to KC today so Monica can have her eyes done tomorrow morning. I'm kind of nervous about it all. I'm planning on having Monica and her little guy over, but she's concerned about Mom getting "hurt feelings" and she doesn't want her to feel alone. We offered to actually go and get Monica so none of us would have to worry or feel awkward. But her and Mom insist on doing it this way, and my mom is only setting herself up for disappointment, because I am holding firm to what I am doing and what I believe. I feel kind of bad for her, but it's not going to change how I feel.
Also, along those lines of my family, when it comes to my sister, I'm very scared that I'm going to have to lose her, too. She is so much like my mother, and even though she hasn't said it, I know she thinks that I have destroyed our family. She's angry with me and doesn't want it to affect her and her little family (which I completely understand). So I feel bad about that, but at the same time, I'm not going to go back to being miserable in the Adams family just to make things *seem* normal. Does that even make any sense? I just don't want to lose my sister, because I do love her. She may not understand the why's and how's of my decision about my family, but she can at least try and respect that I'm doing what I feel is best for me and my family.
I also struggle with the fact that I feel like such a horrible mother. I feel like I'm yelling at Jackson and Wyatt all of the time! I feel like they're always getting in my way and annoying me; mothers shouldn't feel like that ALL the time, right? I want to be more patient with them, and I want to not be annoyed with my little boys, but it's SO hard. They drive me crazy! I keep hoping that as they get a little bigger, that it'll get easier; I've noticed that is true (to a certain extent) with Jackson. I'm so impressed to watch my children grow, and I love them so much. But they just don't know when to stop, and they are so irritating. I hate that I feel that way.
And I'm always feeling like I'm coming up short as a wife. Eric is gone a lot, leaving me to do most of the stuff here at home. And I try my hardest to keep the house in order, but sometimes I'll let something slip through the cracks, and it'll be that one thing that might really upset Eric when he's having a bad day, making me feel totally inadequate and like such a failure. I know that I'm not supposed to do it all, but it's kind of hard not to when he is gone all of the time, and not really willing to help out when he's home.
I struggle with that because I know that Eric is exhausted after working and traveling so much, and that he needs time to relax. But where do I draw the line? When to I tell him that he really needs to get his bum in gear and help me out? I feel like every time I do, he says "OK" but then never follows through. He has so many things and projects around the house that need to be finished, but just are sitting there. Again, I know he needs time to re-coup after a trip, but for how long? Things can't go by the wayside for so long. He even gets backed up on work stuff because he just "doesn't want" to get to it. It's really starting to irritate me, but I just keep my mouth shut. I've tried encouraging and motivating him, but I just fail at that, too.
Wow, that was a lot of stuff. Oh, and I didn't know the Church had a stand on tubal ligations either. We just had a friend who's hubby got snipped. I didn't think it was an issue...
It's a little weird and I feel exposed letting these things go out there into the world. Having said that, I think if we showed more of our struggles to each other, we just might have more love, compassion & understanding for where we all are in our lives (basically what you said Jen).
First of all, Lindsay, I KNOW my life would be SO much easier without my kids, I remember feeling such guilt the first few months when my son was home, I kept thinking, what have I done? Everyday we have to struggle with childcare, everyday I struggle with keeping the house clean with two kids messing it up right behind me. I still feel that, so you're not alone Lindsay & you're not a bad Mom, you're human. BUT (and that's a big BUT (only one "T"), no laughing please) I ADORE my children, as hard as it's been to have them in my life, it's been a billion times better with them there, they are the sunshine in my day, they are the reason for me to be, they are the BEST thing that has ever happened to me, I know they're the reason that I was sent here, they're my angels.
I struggle with guilt & inadequacy. I feel guilty for working, I feel guilty for not being able to keep my house clean (some days it seems like everyone else can do it, why can't I?), I feel left out, I feel lonely and friendless, I feel guilty because I don't spend enough time with my kids. I feel like a bad Mom for not being more involved in Gwendolyn's school. Guilt, Guilt, Guilt. I read or heard from a general authority or someone, that the feelings of Guilt come from the adversary, and when we let these into our lives we're letting him get a toe-hold on us. So I really TRY to think positive, in fact I actively look for it on a daily basis. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
We're trying to have another baby, or at least have been. We started trying in November & still nothing. I feel like a failure for not being able to do something that seems so fundamental, I mean how many one night stands wind up with babies, why not me? I worry that because it's not happening, that it's the Lord saying we shouldn't have another baby, what if I'm trying because it's what I want & not what the Lord wants, even though I thought that's what he wanted?
Our finances have quickly changed & now I don't know if we can even AFFORD to have another child. It's been costing us close to $400.00 a month in medical bills & perscriptions, $400.00 we don't have just to TRY to get pregnant ($400.00 x 4 months = YIKES). I'm so frustrated. Plus I've now been feeling more & more satisfied with my kids, I'm enjoying them being older, being done with sippy cups, diapers, potty training. I WANT to have more, but SHOULD I have more?
We're poor, not so poor that we can't eat, but poor enough that our bills are piling up, and things like vacations that we planned are going by the wayside. I don't understand why Matt doesn't have a better job, he's so good at what he does - why don't they pay him more? I wonder will he ever have a good paying job?
Things keep getting harder, but the positive is, that it's made me that much more focused on reading my scriptures, attending the temple and paying our tithing - we need all the help we can get.
Every time I start feeling sorry for myself or wondering if God is punishing me or picking on me, I remember Job, and I really hope that it'll never get that bad, but at least I know that in the end the Lord will bless me.
Sorry for rambling, sometimes it's nice to be able to vent.
On Tubal and snips...I didn't know the church had a stance on it either until alot of people in my ward were starting to get one and the bishop said something in a meeting about the church's stance and how we are advised to not go and get sterilized unless it is medically necessary (mentally or physically) for the mother. I think they just don't want people going in after a couple kids and feeling done but my feelings are whatever is right for your family,you will know what that is. I just don't want to be judged for our decision, even though it IS medically necessary. I hope that helps ya'll in some way.
My prayers and peace to all who have posted here. There are challenges in our lives for a reason and we can become stronger and closer to our God and each other through them.
We have many struggles on our plate at the moment. I will type of only one. I feel this is the biggest trail of my life and have gone through most of it. I HOPE!
We have three children living with us today and we have lost three. Anyone out there that has lost a child knows of the pain, guilt and depression that comes along with this trial.
I died the day my daughter died. She was just a baby and the doctors don't know why she died, she just did. That was years ago and at times I still feel the pain as if it was 20 minutes ago. I died inside but my heart keep beating and I keep breathing in and out all day long. It seems like a sentence more painful then death, for I had to live without her.
After a few years of empty aching arms and unable to get pregnant, we adopted two beautiful children. Brother and sister, 18 months and three years old. They filled my life with wonderful wildness. My house had toys thrown all over it and the laundry had little shirts that need to be folded. I loved folding those little clothes.
There were bed time stories and piggy back rides. All this time the adoption was pending. The weeks turned into months and the months turned into years. Then came the day that they were taking from me. This time it was the birth mother that came back at the last minute and took the kids.
I died again. The house was quiet. I cleaned the house and it stayed clean. The laundry took a fraction of the time it use to take and there were no cute little clothes to fold. I pulled away from everyone. Jim, my friends (sorry Kathy) and my family. My mom could not understand my feelings for she had had the exact opposite problem I was having. She keep getting pregnant and the kids all stayed. I struggled so. I was so alone.
At church one day my friend had her new baby girl in her arms. I ran up to her and asked to hold the child. As she slipped into my arms, my eyes filled with tears and I began to sob into the little pink blanket that was wrapped around this precious child. I stood there for ten minutes crying, not aware of the group of people starring at me. There are very few people on this earth that can ever truly understand the pain that swept over me that day.
Time went on and we start infertility treatments. Money was short so we held yard sales and car washes trying to get enough to try and get pregnant. After years of this I conceived my son. I got to keep this one! What a blessing he is to me.
When your heart has the hole the size mine did, the sweet loving peace of the long awaited child if felt deep. All I can say is that the joy is felt as deeply as the pain every was. We have not been able to have any more children.
Many adoption have fall through. But two adoptions worked out and we now have three children. How grateful I am for each child. Each one is a miracle to me.
The three children that I lost, help me be a better mother to the three that I have the privilege of keeping.
Challenges stretch us, bend us and almost kill us at times. But we are greatly blessed by these struggles. I love all six of my kids and am eternally grateful for having them in my life even it some of them stayed for only moments.
Mechelle
Jen - You know all my struggles. I unload on you much too often. I struggle with forgiveness (of myself and others). I struggle with appreciation. I have been blessed with so much. Why then, would I ever have any need to complain or want for more?!? I struggle with money and security. One of the hardest things I've ever done was completely quit my job and rely on my husband. I get a pit in my stomach whenever I buy something - even if it's food. I struggle with body image, self worth, and guilt. I struggle with the never-ending "To Do" list. I struggle with letting go and being happy in my home. I guess I struggle with faith. If I really believed and had faith that the Lord was in charge, I wouldn't struggle with anything I mentioned above.
Lindsay - We SO need to talk! Austin is my eternal struggle. I know how you feel when you say that the love for your son doesn't come as "naturally" as it does for you other kids. How awful do I feel when I admit to that! After the latest school fiasco, my mom called me and told me it was time to homeschool him. My response was that it is just so peaceful when he isn't here. There is so much more contention when he walks in that door. It is SO HARD! I've had pleasant moments with him, but EVERY DAY presents a challenge. There are no "easy" days with him. I get nervous whenever I take him anywhere. He has so many redeeming qualities, but it is difficult for me to focus on them. Blessedly, my mom loves him the way I should. Her eyes sparkle when she sees him, and they truly have a unique bond. I've learned to be grateful for that instead of jealous.
To Anonymous: I'm so sorry that you are struggling so greatly with money. To have to turn your heat off - I am so sorry! We don't have much, but I am totally willing to share what we do have. Please let others know that you need help! I believe that we all take turns with trials, and it is our responsibility to help others through those really tough times. Right now, you need help. In the past, I have desperately needed outside help and I will need it in the future. Please let others help you! It blesses our lives when we give and makes all those other daily struggles (see the beginning of this very long-winded post) seem less burdensome.
Mechelle,
I shouldn't have said anything because you said it so perfectly. I peeked at your blog and your children are beautiful! For different reasons, I have also know the physical ache in my arms and my chest where I feel a baby should be. I remember bringing our new baby girl to church for the first time. This is the baby that I struggled so hard to have. We sat behind a widow who had lost her husband and all three of her children. She commented on how beautiful my new baby was, and I offered to let her hold her. She cuddled with her through the entire Sacrament Meeting! My husband was so irritated that I gave her away so easily. But, I knew what it was like to long for a baby, and I felt that I was helping to bring a moment of peace to this woman. She actually died a couple of months later, and I always thought how sad I would have been if I had denied the prompting to let her hold my baby. I'm sorry you've had to struggle so much with getting your children.
Over the last two days, I've been reading everyone's trials. Jen, this was such a good idea so that we all could put our trials in perspective. Sometimes I really need that so I can realize that I can make it through. I'm actually at a time in my life where I feel like our struggles are light but constant. I have had my struggles with inadequacy, finances (always), grief, and wanting to adopt so badly. Right now things seem okay. Those struggles are all present right now, but they aren't as painful today. Maybe tomorrow they will be, who knows what the next day brings?
Keep your chin up, ladies. Although I don't really know any of you, I believe we are all sisters here to build up and support one another. I wish I could give each of you a hug, but you'll just have to accept a virtual one.
Jen, it's always amazing to see the comments your blog generates!
I will blame my pregnancy on feeling so much for the people going through hard times and hurting for them.
As for me, I really feel that I have little to complain about at all, especially after reading some comments. My biggest trial is myself and my quickness to yell at my kids. I have to remind myself that they are young, curious, bored, or just want attention I am not giving them when they act out. I need to work on being a more giving mother and I know it.
Reading posts about adoption open my eyes to how I should be showing my gratitude for my ability to bear children by treating my children well.
What a great idea for a post!
I'm still struggling with the addition of little baby Kate to our family, even after two months! Nothing is getting done at my house. My older kids are neglected. My kitchen floor...words fail. I have all this stuff I want to do and be and I just have to stand by and watch days go by with nothing to show for it. I waited to be done being pregnant so that I could have more energy for housework and school, and now that I'm not preggy and have energy, I'm stuck with a bb who still won't let me get anything done.
I also struggle with heavy feelings of inferiority. All the time. I feel jealous of Lindsay, Dani, and their mom. Their houses are always clean, and each one of these women is so organized. I'm not. It just doesn't come naturally to me to know how to manage the "stuff" that fills a home.
Hi Jen, just read your comment on my blog. I will save it forever and most likely will put it on my headstone for no one as ever said such nice things about me. I will endeavor to live up to them.
I hope you don't mind, I did put a post similar to this one on my blog. I think it is great to share each other's burdens for a moment.
Emily~ I love you and I don't even know you. Thanks for the kind words and thanks for letting that woman hold your beautiful daughter. I know it meant more to her then all the riches in the world, just to hold your baby. The weight of a child in your arms is my favorite feeling in the world. And when it is gone, the hole is overwhelming. You filled that hole in her for a moment and gave her the strength she needed to go one another minute. For when you are dealing with a loss like hers, you try to survive minute to minute ~ not day to day. At least that's how I did it. Is that how you did/do it Krainich Family? I am sorry for your loss.
Blah Blah, I am so glad your eyes have been opened. I am sure you are great with your kids, but it is a rare gift to be able to learn from other's trials. I don't think I love my kids more then anyone else, but I do believe that I cherish them at a different level then some. What a blessing it would be to be able to cherish our kids at that level without having to go through that pain.
Sorry for the typos. I read my last post and wished I had proofed it before I posted. I was just so emotional; I didn't think clearly.
Thanks again Jen. You are wonderful times infinity plus one... squared. No no ~ cubed.
(Been doing math today with Corbin. He is so far ahead of me and he is only 11. What am I going to do? Help.)
ps
please forgive typo In this post as well...still emotional.
Jen -
I also tried to express something to the same effect on my blog. I just don't feel like I have any place or any room to talk about trials among all you other women! I can't believe the things you have been through & how you carry on day to day.
Right now I just struggle with a 2 year old, boredom, being pregnant - which I am grateful for - but it leaves me with no energy or motivation after covering the basics. Money - I think to some degree everyone struggles with finances because we all tend to live within our means until our means change & we have to adapt, for better or worse. My husband works on commission, so we don't have a great budget nailed down & our means change from month to month. That will be a trial until he finishes school & gets a real job. Finishing school - that's another one. Will it ever happen? :)
Today I am so grateful for all your posts, helping to open my eyes to what goes on around us all, people that we know & people that we just pass in the grocery store. Jen has so many great friends - and for good reason, it's been a great morning for me to think about life. Now that we have shared experiences, it will be easy to specifically keep each other in our thoughts and prayers! Thank you!
Jen,
I too worry about whether we should have more children. We've been blessed with four amazing children...but it's not easy, not at all. People will often comment on how crazy we are to have four kids..."You're done right?"
I wonder if it would be selfish to NOT have another baby. I wonder if it would be selfish TO HAVE another baby. Would my other children suffer from my lack of attention if I had another child? I already feel like I can't give each of them the special attention that they need and deserve. One moment I will just ache to hold a new baby and the next (usually after my kids are fighting or whining and crying) I will think "How on earth could I have another baby...I can't even handle the ones I have!" I know there is a lesson to be learned here...probably something about relying on the Lord.
Thanks so much for writing this wonderful blog. I admire you so much!
I just feel so humbled by reading all the trials that people are having around me.
To anonymous who had to turn off your heat - I cried reading your story. I would help you if I knew who you were. I just wanted to let you know that you can always go to your bishop for help. While that may not be completely anonymous, he will not judge you. It is confidential. I know many people who have sought financial help from the church who were struggling far less than it sounds like you are. I hope you are able to find help.
I have really learned a lot by reading all these posts. I feel like a horrible person. I am realizing how quick I am to judge others. That is something I will be working a lot on.
Hi Jen thank you so much for your thoughts! I started my blog in hopes of expressing myself in a different way and leaving a journal for my kids. Anyway I live in Colorado and Jamelle used to be in my ward so that is how I came across your blog.
I feel everyone has some sort of trails in their lives big or small and we all need to be compasionate to everyone around us! I struggle with the baby thing as well. I am 30 and have an almost 5 year old boy who is a complete angel and a 1 year old girl who is testing me! It took me so long to get her with a near death tubal pregancy and 2 miscarriages. I wanted her so bad and was so confused at why I was feeling so sad when I was so happy. I remember one day telling my aunt why did I ruin my perfect family! She told me that I had just given Dylan the best present ever a baby sister! That thought made me feel so much better but now I think I would love more kids because it did make so much sense and I am from a family of 5 kids my husband from 8 so I feel it is almost necessary to have more. (Man I am a rambler, sorry)! I would love more kids but there are so many factors that I just don't know, age, health, expense, and keeping sane.
Thank you so much for your blog and post, I have a friend who at the end of all her posts lists one thing she is Grateful for. That might help some of us to keep positive because we do have so much going for us but we are human and female at that so I think we had the tendancy to let our thoughts get the best of us!
Jen, what an amazing response to your post! You know some admirable women; it makes perfect sense that they would be your friends.
Compared to many of the other women who posted, my trial seem insignificant. I've realized that before- compared to others, I have it easy. But instead of making me feel grateful all the time, I find myself feeling guilty and anxious. Guilty that I'm not happy ALL THE TIME. Anxious that I'm not tested harder because I'm somehow inadequate or unable to handle anything worse. And anxious that all my happiness could come crashing down at any moment.
This was a great way to "bear one another's burdens, that they may be light" just by having an outlet to vent without fear of judgment. I have truly been inspired by other's strength today!
This is tough! I feel like I am trapped in my life with no way out! The things that I am doing are so personal I don't feel comfortable to say. No one knows what is happening I wish I could tell someone but I am so scared about being JUDGED!!! Guilt is all around me! Sometimes I wish I could just leave my life and start a new one.
I am enjoying the comment so much. It's kind of a sad subject, but I like being opened to other people's problems. It makes you look at everyone differently when you realize they could be going through anything and you would not know.
Mechele, I have looked at your blog before and always marvel at the things you do with your kids and always think and wonder if those who try to hard to have children cherish and appreciate them more. My husband and I were in Lake Mary ward the same time as your family and we will forever remember your son and his "Welcome to my testimony" on fast Sundays. We always looked forward to that.. you can tell that he is a thoughtful person and has great parents!
to the last anonymous comment.... find somebody, ANYBODY to talk to. I think talking about things makes all the difference in life.
Good luck to everybody!
Thanks Bon Bon (my aunt). You are outstanding. I draw so much strength from your experiences. To the max. I would love to respond to each and every comment if I could. I had no idea I'd get this kind of response. Thank you a million times over for your comments. It's been so eye opening just to see what so many people all around us are struggling with. And yet, you must be doing it with such grace! I love love love all of you...even if I don't know you, I love you! Please know if any of you ever need someone to talk to, I'll always listen and not judge.
Again to Anonymous up top who turned her heat off.. I have had 4 or 5 people CALL me today asking if they could help you. I know you commented anonymously for a reason, and I completely understand. BUT please know there are dozens (literally) who would LOVE to help you. 2 of my friends said they would gladly pay your utility bills. Gladly!
You are all amazing women. I hope reading this we can realize how great the power of compassion, friendship, and unconditional love really is. We can be pillars to one another as we share our hardships. I will be so careful not to judge others as I have in the past. Again, thank you, thank you. My prayers are with all of you!!!
xoxoxo
Hi, I am Anonymous that turned off the heat. I am SOOO touch by the kindness you have all shown to me. Wait a second, I must run get a tissue. OK I am back.
My father has always worried that I would not work hard if he helped me or gave me money when I needed it. Therefore I have never been helped from my family, so it is hard for me to believe that anyone would want to help. But there you all are offering help without even knowing me. (sob)
I think I will go to the bishop, maybe just for some support and guidance. Or venting. Venting is good.
Jen, I love you dearly, but don’t know if I can call you yet and fuss up it was me. Maybe after I talk to the Bishop I will be able to reach out to you.
Thanks for the support. Thanks for all for your kind words.
I think I will go nuts and just turn on the heat tonight. :) We will be fine. Thank you. You don't know how much your words and the phone calls to Jen have lifted me. I feel so supported at this moment and now know that this to will pass. LOVE TO ALL.
This week has been difficult. I took Matt to the doctor yesterday and we ended up in the ICU. He is now out but still in the hospital. The doctors do not know what is going on...hard not knowing.
I feel like we all deal with so many different things everyday. Most of those things would be very hard to admit to everyone else. We live in a society where it isn't OK to not be OK. It's hard to feel like a failure, when everyone else "seems" to have it together. I have gone through so many things in my past, and I don't think I'd ever admit those things even to my closest friends. They eat away at me, and I feel like I can't let them go. These are things I have been forgiven for, I believe, but it's hard to actually forgive myself. I never feel like I measure up to everyone else, and even to my expectations of myself. It's so hard to look in the mirror and see someone who isn't ME. I have a hard time loving myself, and I think it's destroying so many things around me. I had such a good life growing up in so many ways, but I honestly never felt loved or wanted at home. It's such an empty feeling, and it's so hard to let that go. It stays with us, even as adults. It has definitely inspired me to make sure my kids know they are loved, so that they will have the safety and security they need and want so desperately at home. It breaks my heart when I know someone who I care about doesn't feel accepted or loved. I don't want anyone else to feel how I secretly feel. As I'm writing this, I honestly know that I just need to take some time to work on myself. It's just hard when we spend most of our time trying to be the best mother, the best wife, or the best friend. There is always something I'm doing wrong, or just not doing. I have loved reading your post, and so many comments. My heart goes out to so many of these women. It is so painful to hurt, and to hurt alone. I think this is such a wonderful way to vent. Thank you for doing this. It has really helped me to re-evaluate a lot of things in my life, and has made me want to change so many things. It's so important to just not judge. Nobody understands our situations but us. However, if we just stop assuming things are perfect for everyone and actually reach out to people when we are prompted to do so, I think we would all be a little happier. Thank you again for letting me vent my feelings a little bit tonight. It is something I've really needed to do.
To the many anonymous (and no-anonymous) writers, I love you! I hope you realize you don't EVER have to be alone!
My husband told me about the quote on Sunday and it's stuck with me all week (shocker...) but I think maybe it was so I could share it with you! I love this, because we all so hard on ourselves, especially when it comes to judging ourselves.
"All of us have made wrong turns along the way. I believe the kind and merciful God, whose children we are, will judge us as lightly as He can for the wrongs that we have done and give us the maximum blessing for the good that we do." -James E. Faust
I love how he says the MAXIMUM blessing and LIGHT judgment. I have more to say...so I'll save it for a later post. :)
Keep sharing! I feel like we're all bonding!
Anonymous....please call or email me. pretty pleas
I started to post and deleted several times. Partly because I wasn't sure I had anything to contribute and partly because I wasn't sure I could say what I wanted to say. I send love and prayers to all who have posted. I don't know most of you but feel thankful to have been able to share in your posts.
I struggle with feelings of inadequacy (I hope that's spelled right)...I know I need to be a better mother. Less yelling, more patience. Heather and I have the stangest love, hate relationship. I love her so much, but sometimes wish I could give her away. I worry that if it's like this now, how bad will it be when she's older.
I struggle being a stepmother. This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. It is SO hard to blend a family when you are only together a few days a month, no matter how much you love each other. I truly do love her as my own - most of the time. That's hard to admit and there are times when I am so glad that she goes to another house to live. I feel so guilty about that.
I struggle with fear.. of losing someone close to me. I've lost so many people in my life that it is honestly a constnat worry. I worry about my health. My parents died so young. What will happen to my family if that happens? I worry about not fitting in or that I offend people with my big mouth sometimes. I am truly sorry if I have! Please come and talk to me about it. I'd rather know than have hard feelings out there!
Not to mention the fact that I can't keep my house clean for five minutes and I'm sure everyone else on the planet can...or at least I was.
There's more, I'm sure, but that's about all I can handle right now. Thanks to my husband and my good freinds who help me through every day. I couldn't do it without you.
Jen, I love what you have done here...given everyone a place to be insecure and feel loved at the same time. It's so rare a place we find in the world.
I will always remember and I think of it often in my life, what you said in your farewell talk before you left for your mission. It was that EVERY SOUL was precious in the sight of the Lord. I think of this and how kind and accepting the Lord would have us be towards one another. WE are all in this together and as brothers and sisters we came here to help one another. We must each do what we can to help whomever we meet or come across. Everyone needs help at some time, even Christ allowed His apostles to serve Him.
I wish I knew who all of these people are who have so willingly expressed their fears and worries so that I could help them and let them know how much they are each so loved. Please know that the Lord gives us what we need in life including the people who are there in the right moment at the right time to help us.
I've spent the last 24 hours checking this post every several hours to catch up on those who have added. It's so humbling to hear of everyone's struggles. There are not many of you that I know but those that I do know, I will admit that I didn't know of your struggles and it makes me wonder about all of the people I know who are certainly going through their own trials that I am not aware of. What a lesson in judging.
I feel as though my own burdens right now are very light. I'm finally out of my post pardum hormones and it's wonderful to feel normal, but at the same time it's hard when I know that I AM able to do so much more, but feel as though I'm not doing anything at all.
I think my biggest struggle right now is watching an old friend who hurt me a long time ago, now hurting someone I love. With nothing but sarcasm and thoughtless words. And I don't know what to do. I feel like I really have let go of my anger toward him for what he did to me, but now he's hurting someone I love and it just makes me so angry! I want to help but I don't know if it would make it worse.
I send love to all of you. And I thank you for your strength and your inspiration. And if I could ask one thing of those of you who are struggling and don't know what to do: Ask for help. It is a truly brave thing to ask for help, and there are so many out there who would be honored to do anything in their power to lighten your burden.
In the last year's time I could count how many times my mom has called me on one hand. In this time frame we have gone through some horrific trials and yet no calls, no concern.
If I want a birthday gift for my children or myself I have to call and remind her. I usually do not bother for myself only my kids and spouse. She will not call on holidays or birthdays either. Money is not an issure for her.
I can not be myself around her. I have to be a certain type of person to be accepted by her.
My father was/is too busy making money to be much of a dad. He claims he loves us but I have rarely felt it.
I had hoped I would marry into a family that would accept me with open arms. However, nothing I do is right or good enough for my mother-in-law. Her son is far too good for me and she criticizes everything I do. My father-in-law loves to hear himself talk.
We have moved too many times to have roots anywhere. It is lonely to not have friends nor family but the two people I have I consider to be my greatest treasures.
I am having the same thoughts as you Jen. I cant stop thinking about if we should have another baby or not. Of course 9 months ago I didn't hesitate, we have 2 kids and they are great, so we wanted another. I never expected to have a miscarriage. Made it through that just fine, so we tried again a few months later. Uggggg... then had an Ectopic pregnancy. Scared the heck out of me, had to have emergency surgery to remove it, and I really thought that pregnancy could possibly kill me. So they took out the left tube and now I am clear to try again anytime I want. But now I dont know what to do, just give up and be happy with the two kids I have (which I am) or try again. SO I think about this alot, probably a little bit everyday lately. I definetly think we'll try again, I am just waiting to see if there is a day when the fear will go away. The doctor didnt think I had a Ectopic pregnancy because I was not in any pain. But I had all the other symptoms. So at least next time I know what to watch out for.
So thats what I have been thinking about lately!
Dear anonymous (above me)...if you live in the Phoenix area I would love to meet you. I figure any friend of Jen's is a friend of mine. Jen and I go back to the day of having matching gigantic pink glasses, same frizzy blond hair, and really hyper sing-a-longs in the back of fast moving trucks and this was all in the first few weeks of knowing each other in the 9th grade!:-) Anyway, I home a lot with no kids and would love to meet a new friend.
Reading everyone's burdens, trials and comments has really opened up my mind to what other people are going through. I love how everyone has been so open and shared. It makes me proud to be a woman and to be part of this "sisterhood."
Jen, you do not know me but I am Mechelle's sister. She told me of your blog. I hope you do not mind me making comments. I heard a quote today that made me think of this particular post.
"Those who have the most difficulties, develope the greatest souls."
I hope this can give us all a little more courage when faced with life's challenges.
These past three years of our married life was a challenge. We have two kids and we are struggling to make ends meet. My husband didn't finished his studies because he was pushed to work full time to provide for us. I'm not from the US so i can't help much financially. I will babysit for some friends sometime and the extra money they pay helped much. But then because of the not so high rate paying job that my husband have right now, we have problems financially that we ended up filling for bankruptcy. Bankcruptcy is not an option for us. We asked helped from my husband's family since my family cannot help us much and we also asked help from our bishop but with no luck. I'm always thinking where did we gone wrong. We are following all the counsels that was given to us and when i saw some of my friends that are not following the commandments that are living a very comfortable life i was so jealous and thought that we should not in this situation right now. I was also thinking, what if we don't follow the commandments, would life be easy for us? It was always a struggle and a challenge for us to invite the spirit back into our life. But somehow, I know that the Lord will always help us to make things right. I'm always reminded of the quote that if you don't feel like praying, pray! I know that prayer is the most powerful key to be close to the spirit.
Thanks Jen for this post. I may not know you and you may not know me. But I know that I felt better now reading from other peoples trials and challenges in life. That means I'm not alone.
Thank you again! Luv yah!
My biggest struggle right now is paying Tithing. It is so HARD to pay money that you feel is yours. And that is all the extra money you have left over for the month. The Church encourages us to save and live within our means but how can we when 10% of our income goes to the Church every month. I know I know blessings are promised but I still cant help but feel this way.
Wow, I am floored. It really is amazing what we go through in this life. I have had amazingly heart-wrenching, gut-wrenching trials in my life, but most of them were as a teenager. One in particular was literally put upon me when I was 13, and no one really knows what I went through because it's just not something people talk about. A lot of women deal with the pain that I have felt in my life. I think statistics are 1 in 4. I felt an immense lack of self-worth. It was bad, I'll just say that.
I wouldn't relive that trial (or others following) for any amount of money. However, I do think that overcoming those trials, utilizing the atonement and understanding the Savior's love for me has MADE ME WHO I AM today. I am not grateful for the pain of my trials, but I am grateful for the strength it has brought to my life. I know I am a daughter of God, he loves me and he wants me to be happy. I know the Savior's sacrifice for us is real, and I am so grateful he took on all of our pain so that we could find relief. I can't imagine what He went through for us, when my pain felt like it was ripping me into a million pieces.
I think trials must ebb and flow. I have been amazingly blessed in my adult life, despite a bump or two. I have been able to concieve and bear children. I have been blessed with a good husband. I have the gospel. I had actually thought several times, "Okay, when's the next ax going to fall?" because life has just been great for me. (Of course I deal with feelings of lonliness and inadequacy sometimes, but in perspective, life is good.)
However, the past three years have been a struggle financially. It's been a blow to my husband's ego and we are in a bit of a pinch. But I know we will survive and thrive depsite our struggles. For awhile I really struggled with feelings of anger and resentment because of some of the financial decisions made without me. I even struggled with wanting to pray, probably because of my anger issues. But lately I have felt overwhelmingly that I am not doing anyone a favor by distancing myself from God. Not me, not my family, no one. I know He lives, I know He is there, watching me and wondering when I'll kick my butt into gear and get back on the bandwagon fully. (I'm still on, but I've really let one of my legs hang over the side...)
To Lindsay--I am there with you with one of my children. I love her. She is so incredibly difficult. But, I have had to find things that work. Sometimes it's just leaving it alone. I got a lot of inspiration from a book called "Mitten Strings for God." Ya gotta read it.
Well, even though I don't normally share my intensely personal trials, I do think that getting them out there is helpful. I hope someone out there reads this who may be struggling, and knows she can overcome and be great despite her pain. I have felt inspired by the trials shared. Thanks to all of you, and GOD BLESS. He will, even if it's not what we think we need.
As if I haven't already said enough...;)
If it makes you feel any better, Jen, despite all my declarations that I "know" we're done, I really do not know. I still struggle with whether or not to have another baby. Honestly, I really want one. I can't imagine NOT having one. But, I don't know if I can handle another, either. I am letting some time go by, and then I'll pray about it with Jeff. I did think the other day, "well, if the Lord wants me to have another baby, I will." That was huge for me. I don't really want to be pregnant again, either. Ah, good luck!
*my parents had 7 kids and took each child one by one as it felt right..they actually told everyone they were done after #6 -my sister was born and then both couldn't sleep at night & felt like there was a little boy up there still waiting. My little brother was born about a year later. What's the scripture that talks about peace of mind vs. confusion to getting answers to your problems?? i can't remember...as far as my problems are concerned..let's just say i've started to type on here a number of times & then erased. It's hard for me to say publicly our issues. I agree with all you've said jen about never knowing what's really happening in people's lives. I've been told "Oh you have the perfect life ...lalala.." Yes I feel very blessed but does this person know that we've had to sell practically everything we own just to pay bills? ..our cars, house, businesses just to pay our debts & still it's not enough. Because of one project gone amuck.? We are a judgemental society and should be more accepting of people no matter their situations. Thanks for the outlet!
I read this
REEEEEEEEALLY late the other night, so I didn't comment.....
but I was
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I feel like I'm in a really good spot right, now - BUT life for me is so fickle, one moment I can be so, so happy and content, and the next I almost feel despair. I just want to wrap my arms around everyone...my heart truly goes out...this thing called life IS tough and we are all in this together.
After reading what everyone else has to say, I feel like my trials are insignificant - yet I feel that I want to post anyway. Venting feels so good.
My two biggest trials right now are my marriage and my faith.
I don't know if I love my hubby anymore. He has always struggled with employement, and never makes enough to support us. Right now he's working 2 jobs and I work as well, and we still have bills going unpaid. I know he's suffering some depression and inadequacy because of it all. He's moody and difficult to be around, and he's gained about 100 pounds. I'm not even attracted to him - in no way is he the person I married. He's even mean to the kids. Some days I just want to leave him.
I've also been struggling with church. I am LDS, and have been my whole life, but right now I don't go go church, don't pay tithing, don't read my scriptures - really I don't do anything. I hate my ward, and I feel like I live in the most judgemental Utah neighborhood and have no friends. I know that if I started doing the things the church says I should, that I may feel differently, but I've lost my faith and my testimony, and I just don't care enough to try.
Some days I just want to run away from everything and start over with a new life. If it wasn't for my kids, I think that I would. But they keep me grounded.
Many people struggle with finances. I feel very blessed to have a good job and that I can help support my husband through school. I'm grateful that he has a job that he enjoys and that can pay most of our bills on his income alone. I am so grateful that overall, finances are not a glaring issue for us. I'm thankful to have a sweet husband that I'm sealed to. I have a wonderful family. I have the knowledge and blessings of the gospel. Most people from the outside would say my life is pretty perfect...the thing they don't realize is that my struggles are emotional and are often hidden. I have struggled with depression for the last 3 years. Maybe longer but that is when I was officially diagnosed and put on medication. It has been a roller coaster, ranging from moderate to severe. There were times when I had thoughts that scared me. I couldn't understand why I was feeling so much in despair, knowing that God is there and loves me. The current prescription is working better than anything else, but by no means makes things easy. I don't talk about it with anyone because it hasn't seemed to be something people readily accept or understand. I struggle heavily with self-esteem and self-worth. I'm never measuring up to who I think I should be, but I see so much of it in other people. I want to be myself but find myself trying to do things like other people. A round-about way of becoming who I want to be or think I should be. Whether it's beauty, talent, house-keeping, patience, kindness...I feel I always fall short. Are my friends really my friends? Do they even like me? Does my husband really love me? Does he ever feel he settled or I'm too much to handle (especially emotionally!)? I'm either emotional and crying or snippy without a lot of in-between. How can he stand me? I've never felt I shouldn't have married him; I feel HE shouldn't have married me because I'm not good enough. I also worry that my goals and dreams won't come true. I'll never be a successful photographer. I'll never be a good mother (no kids yet but I can't wait). I can't even handle myself sometimes, how could I raise a child as unstable as I am? I ache for a child. My husband is almost through with school and would like to feel more stable before we go that direction, which overall is fine with me. But yet my heart hurts almost at how much I want to be a mother. I cried at my friend's baby blessing yesterday because I wanted it to be me so badly. It's such a good thing and I want it, but I also want it to be the right time for us. I can't help but feel guilty like we're "putting it off." At least we're excited for children, unlike many young couples. Sorry everyone for the novel...so much I could say but I've already gone on way too much! It's just so easy to let some of it out.
I'm really so thankful for all of your comments, for opening your hearts up and sharing with us! I wish I could just wrap my arms around every single one of you! Really!
To the anonymous right above me...I have struggled with depression, it was years ago, but I know about it. In fact, most of my family has struggled with depression. One of my amazing sisters even wrote a book about it. (she didn't try to publish it....but she should have!) I know that it's not just something that you can "snap out of" or change on your own. It's real, and it sucks. So, if you need someone, I'm here for YOU! As with any of you who need a friend.
The anonymous who lives in Ut. and hates her ward, I'm so so so sorry! That would be so hard! Come to mine!! :) I'll love you no matter if you come or not! Now, when you aren't happy in your marriage is when you need support the very most.
To anonymous who turned her heat off...I'm still worrying about you everyday. Did you go to your bishop? Can I please at least help you by having someone to talk to?
My email is jenbenphoto@gmail.com for anyone who needs to vent (even if you don't know me), and I can vent back. :)
I mean it when I say I LOVE YOU ALL!!! You have strengthened my resolve to be a better friend and listener, and especially to be less judgmental.
Great post Jen- It really puts my life into perspective- when you think life sucks, there is ALWAYS someone out there going through something worse than you are and you should count yours as a blessing- Hard as that may seem. I was going to write about my struggle with a DOG and then I read some of these and thought how stupid or little my problem seemed to all of this... Thank you for posting this so I could realize that I am not at all that bad off... But here are my struggles of the here and now, as little as they may seem to someone else, they are mine and any personal struggle tugs on your potential to be the best person you can be... maybe by writing them down I can free myself of them a little more...
As a new mom you want to teach your kid everything, be a better mom to them than yours was to you, never be impatient, and love them the best you know how... The days that I don't give him all the attention he deserves or I am mad at him because I didn't get enough sleep last night really makes me think I am not doing the best I can. I read all the blasted childrearing books and I didn't read him a book today! Oh crap, I am a terrible mom! Whatever! But day after day there is always something about your job (as mother) that hasn't been up to par... Maybe it is the fact that there is no monetary or worldly reward for the countless hours you spend changing, feeding, cleaning, and loving this little one... I need to just think about his smiles when you are hugging him or singing to him and realize that that is the best reward you can get- I know it sounds cheezy, but when you think about it, you gave these little ones life and they love you for it whether they can tell you or not.
Another struggle is our Great Dane (another lame problem I have). He is huge and I am too clean for my own good- so all the hair, smells, drool, and poop drives me crazy and it really depresses me all day... I can't keep up with all the shedding, drool on the walls and floors, and smells! I keep thinking how much easier my life would be if it wasn't consumed with cleaning all day on top of taking care of my baby. I wish he would just go away and when he is home with me all day and I have to look at him- I am filled with almost hate, but definitely stress and anger... Some days I wish he were gone and some days I treat him terribly because he "makes" me mad. But I don't have it in me to just let it all go... I can't have a dirty house... I just can't... My husband loves the dog and will NOT give him away and he doesn't hear me when I complain... I have tried to compromise, with him doing some of the cleaning, but that lasted 5 minutes... I feel that he (my husband) doesn't care about the way the dog makes me feel inside- all this anger all day long... it really wears on me and I feel that I am not the person I really am because I don't like this huge dog that causes hours of extra work for me when I am already working hard all day long to keep up with my little family. What do you do? Is it Me or the Dog or do I try to get over myself...
Then I see others trials and think- I have a problem with a dumb dog!
Jen, what an incredible response to your post! I think you have to be really close to someone before they open up with these kind of trials so what a great way to talk about them and get support. Oviously a lot of people were anxious to get it out. I have been reading comments off and on this week and it has really made me think about life and my own trials. It just helps to know what other people are going through so you don't feel alone. You're so great, Jen!
Okay, so I have four kids and although daily I tell myself I need to be a better mom, I still find myself wanting to have more kid(s). I don't know if there's one or two more for me, but I do know I don't feel "done." It's a strange thing you know, cause I'm sure there are so many people that don't feel done, but can't have anymore, or those that are done, only to find out that they are pregnant. Crazy.
So I'm struggling with the issue of divorce right now. I have some people very close to me going through this. It's so nuts. Having been close to a divorce myself, but battling through it and living to say, "I'm so glad I have what I have now and didn't get a divorce," I just want everyone to battle it out and make the changes and stay married. I know that that seems shallow and unsympathetic because I know you can never really understand someone's situation unless you are in it, but after all, isn't the family the most important thing, and that's why Satan is attacking it, and he is winning in so many situations. I can't even stand it. So my in laws who have been married for over 3o years are getting a divorce, and my brother who has only been married for four months and is expecting a baby in five months is also on the verge of getting a divorce. Crazy, I know. Sorry to go on about this, but for the last two months I have been wanting to write about this and I haven't taken the chance on my blog cause I didn't want to write the wrong thing in case the wrong person read it (family going through divorces). Anyway, you asked and boy did I comment. Thanks for letting me. ~Natalie
Jen,
I'm Anonymous above struggling with depression. I can't tell you how amazing it is to me to hear that you struggled with it yourself. I'd love to read your sister's book. I look up to you so much...you are one of those people I find myself wishing I was more like! It's almost hard to believe that you have had some of the struggles I do. I love so many things about you, one of which is your confidence. You seem as though you know and accept who you are and are ok with it. I never thought people like that would have gone through what I am. I look up to you even more now. I really admire you. I hope I can "find" myself someday and be who I want to be. You did.
To "holyoak clan" above...I've been there. I'm a cat person but my husband loves dogs. We got a kitten and a puppy at the same time a little while ago, and I went through some strange emotions. I was crying, depressed, angry...all the while tryint to deal with a 3 month old puppy that bit and chewed and pooped on my clean carpet and who I had no idea how to handle. I don't know a thing about dogs and I definitely didn't expect to be dealing with the equivalent of a two-year-old; or worse! My husband took off a whole day at work because as he handed me the puppy on a leash and went to leave, I just looked at him like "You can't leave me here ALONE with this thing! How will I ever make it until the end of the day?" I didn't know what to do with the puppy and sometimes he scared me because I didn't know why he was barking at me or acting a certain way. I don't know why I had the reactions I did. I was determined this wasn't going to work; I'd about lost it already. I wanted to take him back the shelter which caused a LOT of tension and arguments between my husband and I. The end of the story is that his parents, who already have an old dog, took him because they couldn't stand seeing us taking him back. I got rid of the dog, my in-laws have been really happy with the dog (they LOVE him), and my husband sees him at least as much as he would at our own house. And by the way, he is currently about 85 pounds and the vet thinks he may top out at 120!!! Can you IMAGINE that horse running around a tiny 1100 sq. ft. house??? And no yard to run around in? I'm so glad his parents took the puppy, and my husband agrees it was best for the dog even if he still wishes he was at our house (big and all). Anyway, I'm sorry for the stress you're feeling. I don't like hair or pet smells either, and my cat is enough of that without adding a dog. At least I like cats! It sounds like you might be keeping your dog. If you have no other options, can you keep your dog outside most of the time??? Then they can poop and drool and shed all they want.
*LONG POST*When it rains it pours as far as trials are concerned so I hope that it stops raining for all of you out there right now!!! I think our little family is having a dry spell, but I know it will come around again.
I feel the same way about our ward as a previous poster. We have lived in our neighborhood for 4 years and honestly we were inactive for the first few years off and on because of that. I have since come to realize that because we will be here for a while, I better make the best of it and set a good example for our children. I have thought so much about this…I have thought that it is just a Utah thing; that the church, or rather the people here are different. Being raised in California, the ward I grew up in was such a family….everyone was friends with everyone regardless if I was 13 and someone was 55. They asked where you were if you missed a week or an activity, things were just different, it was like a family. BUT that is not necessarily true as we were in a wonderful ward in Midvale and I cried when we had to move. I’ve decided though, even if it is just to make myself better, that maybe I dislike the ward because there are so many of us in the same stage of life. In that we ALL have LITTLE kids, and we are all busy within our own lives trying to keep our heads above water?? I don’t know- I just try to remember the real reason we go to church. Easier said than done …Hang in there!
A few years back I was really struggling with it though and I prayed- not a real on your knees prayer but it was always in my thoughts and I asked often for a friend- a REAL friend- one like the best friend you have growing up….Anyhow that prayer was answered and I found her right across the street, in this same ward I am talking about. The friendship began by talking about some Nicholas Spark book and her giving me a Mr. Clean magic eraser to clean blue crayon off my kitchen floor. She too was cooped up in her house for the first year after she had a baby, and shared many of these same “vent” feelings. She doesn’t live across the street anymore but will always be a dear, dear friend. Maybe this prayer about your ward and or a friend can work for you too???
And Jen- Where did you come from?! You are an ANGEL. Seriously. I want to be just like you!
Thank you everyone for your thoughful and thought provoking posts. I do feel very grateful for my life right now, and I always feel even more so when I have an eternal perspective of life. I have two children and they are 2.4 years apart. The plan was to have 3 or four. We have been trying for 1.5 years. I don't know what has changed. I got pregnant extremely easily the first 2 times. This is my biggest trial right now. Just because I want it so bad. I went on clomid for 3 months and my progesterone levels were so high that my Dr. called and said I was probably pregnant. But I wasn't. He said to do clomid for 5 months, but I quit. besides the fact I was a raving b----, I really didn't feel like ovulation was my problem. So now we start doing tests. Him first, then me. It costs lots of money that we don't have right now. So I am struggling with what to do. We are also paying extra $ every month for maternity insurance. Should we just keep trying and leave it up to the Lord, or should we start doing test after test...with who knows if that will lead to anything productive or just lots of time and worry and expense. I already have two awesome kids. Shouldn't that be enough? Did my last c-secton mess things up in me? I constantly am asking these questions to myself. I don't want to take away energy from the two I do have to do all this extra stuff. I am so grateful for them. I am so grateful for what I do have. I am so much more sympatheic to those of you who have struggled with infertility. my heart goes out to you. I try to pray about it but it is hard when I have all these emotions attached to this subject. I want more and I guess I don't want any other answer. I would love to hear more about your experiences. Thank you for sharing and letting me share.
Jen, 65 posts! Can you believe it? It's so amazing that we rarely see anyone's trial(s) but our own, and yet they are all around us and most humbling.
My biggest trial has always always been my weight. It probably sounds so superficial, but it's not to me. I've always weighed more than I wanted to, and I honestly dont' have unrealistic expectations. I exercise consistently, I run, I lift heavy weight, I eat well. The vast majority of my friends are thin Moms who dont exercise half as much as I do! (Do I sound bitter?) It's just my trial! I finally got down to my lowest weight of my adult life 2 springs ago (2006) and knew I was supposed to have another baby. BAM- 42 pounds gained. Fantastic. I'm still 6 pounds away from that lowest weight (which was still 15 pounds more than I wanted to weigh!) and I know we're supposed to have another baby soon. I love being pregnant but I hate, dread, loathe what it does to my body. I love who I am on the inside. I think I'm pretty enough. But I hate the negative thoughts I have about my body.
As well as many other previous posters, I hate my short fuse with Elias. I get angry much too quickly and I swear, he's a great kid! He's just four. And he's really really good for 4. Why can't I remember that? Why do I blow a gasket when he makes repetitive obnoxious noises or spills something on accident? It bothers me to no end that I dont have more patience with him. Whenever I hear Justin react harshly to him, I cringe and then realize that I do the same thing at times. It's a real reality check. I'm constantly recommitting myself to be more patient and loving.
ANYWAY. It's been really important for me to read these comments and realize how blessed I am. Thank you for that.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I have always had a hard time opening up to people, and ironically I was just this week starting to wonder if anyone every felt the way I do. And so many do! Unfortunately, some of the same hard feelings I share with many of you has led to an eating disorder for me, which I am currently in therapy to overcome. Based on previous experience, I know it will be a long hard road to overcome it, but your stories, faith, wisdom, and empathy for one another has gotten me through another day. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your examples. And as selfish as I know this is, I would really appreciate a few extra prayers, as I haven't had the heart to tell most of my family. I love you all! Hey - that wasn't too hard...and it felt really good! Thanks, Jen, for the opportunity!
Over the past week I have really tried to think less of myself & include all of your trials into my prayers. The ones that came in anonymously were almost easier to remember because they really stuck in my head. It has been a great chance for me to have renewed meaning in my prayers & to think of others. I check back everyday for more comments, so to the anonymous above me, you can't count yourself in for my prayers tonight! Thanks everyone!
So I just sat here and read 68 comments!!!!! I am bawling like a baby. I love the honesty- I love that my heart is capable of feeling the compassion that it has for these dear women. I, too have struggles that I have kept so secret- even from my husband at times- I have not been blessed with good health and because of this each day is a battle I fight- I wake up in the morning determined to accomplish and prove my health wrong only to go to bed at night in much pain and discomfort. I have been working hard on figuring out what is wrong but the answers never seem to come and I am left to wonder if maybe I am just weak and everyone feels this way but I am not strong enough to get through it. This probably sounds strange but my biggest trial is my own body. It prevents me from giving so much that I want to give. I want more energy and strength to give to my family.............I hate how weak I am- if my husband knew of my pain and fatigue would he think it was annoying and he married a weirdo?
I left a comment on here yesterday--at least I thought I did, but now I don't see it. I have so many things I want to say to everyone...I just want all of these women to know they're wonderful and loved and that we all spend so much time and energy feeling inadequate and guilty when we're just not! How can we learn to be happy with ourselves, to give ourselves the credit we give others? I also said in my comment that never was that through my trials of depression, infertility for 4 1/2 years and now a miscarriage a couple weeks ago, the biggest thing I've learned is about trusting the Lord and letting Him take charge. It's so hard to do because we think we're giving up the little bit of power we have, but that's not it at all. We can have His strength instead of just our own, if we'll give Him our will. Also, Jen, your title about Trails is interesting...our Trials are trails; they're journeys to go through, and it's not the end that matters so much as how you take the journey. All of this has reminded me of a line in the song "Lord I would Follow Thee": "Who am I to judge another when I walk imperfectly? In the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see."
Jen, I actually did try to get that book published--sent it to three companies. For anyone who wants to read it, I just started a blog to post the whole thing bit by bit. www.whereismysolace.blogspot.com
I have so much to say about this subject--my blog is all about this right now too!! I guess I'll stop blabbing for now though.
Just wanted to leave a note in reply to someone saying the church is against a tubal. That is false and though our Sunday school teachers provide great knowledge when it comes to personal choices like that we should pray and seek personal revelation. Remember doctrine comes from the scriptures, the prophet and the ensign. Awesome conversation on this blog!
Last week I found out my daughter was sexually abused about 6 years ago. I feel like I'm drowning, I'm in way over my head with this. Will she ever overcome this?
Ok... this is the perfect opportunity for me to vent. I hope you're all not sick of reading these comments by now but I just have to take this chance. I'm worried my husband might be having an affair on me. This fear I have goes back to the fact that he wants nothing to do with my sexually. I've talked to him about it and he just says it's (our sex life) is not the same as it used to be. Duh! I'm constantly trying to turn him on and I constantly get shot down. It makes me feel like the biggest piece of crap ever. I feel like he's not attracted to me since I've gained weight and have stretch marks after having my babies. All he says is that he does love me and he doesn't know what's wrong. I've asked him if it was a medical thing and he needed to go to the doctor but he never says yes or no. I have a really high sex drive and it's so hard not having this huge part of our marriage. It's led me to feel like maybe he's getting his "fancies" somewhere else... either porn, masturbation or an affair. I went out of town and was worried the whole time that he was messing around on me. When I got home I've been a paranoid freak. I told him why I feel like this (his lack of sexual desire for me) and he just says he's sorry and that he really does love me. There's no romance, no passion- and it's killing me! I love him so much and I just want him to love me like I love him. So obviously I have really bad low self-esteem issues and the thought of us not being able to work things out and me having to even deal with the thought of the "D" work (divorce) eats me up like no other. I know he loves me but I want him to want me. I can't deal with our marriage the way it is forever and I really hope things change. On top of all this we're barely surviving financially (I can't even tell you how broke we are and how much I hate it) and I'm really having a hard time facing the reality that my husband is never going to get a better paying job so I will probably have to leave my babies (the thought alone kills me) and go to work. And I can sympathize with all the moms who feel like bad moms for yelling at their kids all the time and feeling so impatient. These problems are so personal and embarrassing that I don't feel I have anyone to talk to (my mom is my best friend but she's not available at the time to talk to) so that only adds to the problem. And what's more- I struggle with severe depression. It comes and goes but when it's here it's here with a vengeange. How grateful I am to have the gospel and testimony of Jesus Christ that I do or I would probably have died by now. Wow... sorry for the sob story but that felt so good to get out. Thanks so much for this opportunity!
Oh my goodness! There is so much suffering going on, and I feel so greatly for each one of you. To these last two anonomous writers - what HUGE obstacles. Please find someone to help you! Chances are that I don't know you, but I would be willing to listen. Please know (even if you don't fully believe it right now) that you are of such great worth! You are strong, important people that make a difference every day in the lives of your kids, friends, neighbors, family members, etc. You have talents and abilities that nobody else has! You are loved by so many. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you amazing women who are bearing such difficult crosses right now.
I have struggled with so many trials for soooo long. There are some that began at a fairly early age and will continue the rest of my life. Some days it is tough to think there is still so much life to try to get through. I try soooo hard to just take it one day at a time and remember that this life is not the end. If it weren't for that statement I would have honestly taken my own life years ago. But all we go through truly can be overcome through our Savior!!!
On a much lighter note - I have always looked up to you and your sisters sooo much! You are all so beautiful and talented and fun! I would never have imagined that any of you struggle with the same kinds of things I do at times. I am excited to read Janas book - she is amazing!
This is a great blog post, we all need to realize that no matter what we are going through there is always someone who has it worse off than ourselves!
This is EXACTLY why I've always been drawn to your blog. You keep it real and we all (whether we even know you or not) think of you as a friend and someone we can turn to for advice, for an example, for anything!
About a month ago, I was having an extremely hard week or two. I felt overwhelmed by everything in my life and how I felt like I was doing everything alone, etc. I would read everyone else's blogs and read about how "wonderful", "fantastic", and perfectly fairy tale their lives and everyone in them all were and it only made me feel worse - like I was the only one that wasn't living "the perfect life" and that had bad days. I started questioning whether my blog addiction was a good thing or a bad thing - was it only making me feel like worse of a person? But there has always been your blog! By saying that I'm not saying I don't think you live the perfect, fairy tale life. Quite the opposite. I actually really believe you are because you're honest and not afraid to put things out there. Your blog always leaves me a better person - I feel uplifted, renewed, and ready to keep trying after I read yours. Thanks so much for that! You are truly a wonderful person and I echo everyone's sentiments about looking up to you and wanting to be more like you! You're just awesome!
PS - with that being said, i don't usually despise other people's blogs or anything and only occasionally do i ever think anyone is bragging. In general I think blogging is a great way for us to help each other and for us all to see that other people DO go through similar daily frustrations and trials just like me. Although for your poll I chose journaling cause I could only pick one. :)
To Anonymous who's daughter was sexually abused: I would suggest therapy. Ask around for a good therapist (bishop, stake pres, or other church leader) and get her in quickly so she can work through her feelings. I don't know how old she is, or what happened, but therapy is the one thing I surely wish I had had. Unfortunately sexual abuse is all too common. Fortunately there are many wonderful, balanced people who have been through horrific things in their lives. I cry for your daughter (and you) and pray you'll find the help you need. The atonement is not there only for our sins. Christ took on ALL of our pain. Sometimes it sounds cliche, but it is truly through him that we can find peace in any situation.
Husband might be cheating (or into porn)?: I would go see your bishop, explain your worries and have him called in for a PPI (Personal Priesthood Interview). I've not been through that, but it's what I'd do. Then I might go ballistic, but I hope you can keep your sanity. His bishop is his priesthood leader. Go to him before you go nuts!
Oh Jen you don't know how much I appreciate this post. You have given everyone the opportunity to express themselves something we all need to do more of and you can see how much we needed to do it. You know how strongly I feel about this I do feel like we almost have a responsibility to each other to let each other know more of the struggles that we go through in life. I mean how great does it feel when that perfect mom you see sitting next to you in church gets up in Relief Society to bear her testimony and tells you of a trial that she is going through. It's true we feel horrible for judging her but also we feel a huge sigh of relief and think okay I can do this I can get through what Im going through. It makes me feel stronger because it makes me feel like Im not alone. I honestly believe this is how we share each others burdens but first we have to share, we don't get the opportunity to help people unless we know what they are going through. I know it's not easy for some people. I guess I just never want anyone to think I have the perfect life so I am the first one to say hey I argue with my husband and I yell at my kids too much just so they won't think that about me! I think we are all trying so hard to do what we are supposed to do and we are afraid to let others see our imperfections maybe because we feel like we have failed in someway? So yes it's hard but honestly how great does it feel to read these comments and how connected I feel to people I don't even know. I wish I could know each of you and help you in some way. Okay so I wasn't even going to write this much cause I already expressed myself in my own post, but I just feel so strongly about this! I do have to say one thing quickly to Lindsay about her commment. You literally took the words out of my mouth. My 4 year old little boy is the struggle of my life right now, I have a few others as well marriage has always been hard and I think I will have to work at it forever. But I know without a doubt I was sent this child for a reason. I have to work daily, pray daily to love him and I believe that I will always have to. I would honestly love to meet you I really haven't met someone yet that has the same intense struggle with a child. So thankyou for sharing it really is everything I am feeling. Thanks again Jen!
To Anonymous whose husband might be cheating/having porn issues:
My advice, in addition to the priesthood interview, would be to really TALK to your husband about this. Don't go accusing him, and don't make him feel bad about it; that will just make matters worse.
I, too, have been struggling with this for a several months. I feel the same way about feeling fat, and unattractive with the stretchmarks from having babies. I feel shot down all of the time. I feel unloved and unwanted.
But at the same time, I know that my husband has been incredibly busy and stressed out with work and life. I know he struggles with depression. And these two things combined impact his sex drive. Though it's incredibly hard to deal with, it is something that I've accepted and try to understand and empathize with.
I even got paranoid like you, and started wondering if my husband was getting "it" elsewhere. I go a little insane when I even think about it! But when we were recently in the temple together, I looked over at him and caught his eye. I was overcome with a sense of love from him and just KNEW that there is no way he could do anything to me like what I was imagining. All of those awful thoughts immediately ran from my mind. And since then, our pattern of no sex was a lot easier to deal with. I was more sympathetic, and less...horny (I guess!)
Also, try to remember that as women get into their upper twenties and into their thirties, their sex drive increases; whereas men's peak in their teens!
And when it does happen (and it will!) don't over analyze it. Just go with the flow and enjoy it. (I made the mistake of over analyzing it once it finally happened. I didn't enjoy myself and it wasn't good, which made me feel worse!) So just try to enjoy it when it happens.
It's so weird that you commented on this; for a little bit, I thought I was reading something I had written! Even calling divorce "the 'D' word". It was kind of freaky!
I don't have a testimony of God. I have prayed to know and yet at times I still feel as though I am a forgotten soul. I am scared for when I must face death or if death should come to those I love. Will we all just turn to dust and disappear? I wish I could have a testimony.
All though my husband tells me everyday that I am beautiful and that he loves my body I can't help but look in the mirror and be disgusted by my reflection. I see an ugly face on a body that needs to loose 30 pounds. I've felt that way my entire life, even when I had no weight to loose.
I feel unintelligent, uninteresting, forgettable. When I am around others I feel as though I'm not important. I never say what I mean to say and feel like an idiot when I do talk.
Despite a terrific love life and a husband that never stops trying I have never experienced an orgasm and frequently wonder if it is a mythical dream that women pretend to have. Do I have to go to Neverland or climb Mt. Olympus to get one?
I don't feel as though I have any special gifts or talents to offer. And I feel guilty for feeling this way when my life is so blessed. And how do I tell my husband that I want just one more child when I already KNOW he thinks that's too many?
My struggles are are of self-worth and self-value. I struggle being in my own skin. I sometimes wonder if I have real friends or if people just pretend to be nice to me.
Except you, Jen! You have always been there and been terrific. Thanks for letting me get some feelings off my chest.
I just continued thinking of some of the trials of those on this post as I listened to General Conference these last 2 days. I LOVED the talk from M. Russell Ballard & can't wait to read it in the Ensign and mark it all up! It was on Motherhood and how we as mothers all feel inadequate--and that's normal! We can't let Satan make us feel that way constantly though. We can't let him win! We HAVE to remember that each day is a new day! No matter what our personal trials are at this time..God is omnipotent and is aware of all of our situations. It's up to us though to let HIM IN! And he can't be let in if we are not willing to open up our own hearts, HAVE FAITH & be doing what we are supposed to be doing! I hope all of you were as uplifted by these talks as I was.
Keep Trying! Luvs to all!!
It is so amazing to read your Trials . . . not Trails. My heart goes out to all of you. I am incredibly grateful to you. I too have my own Trials that i thought i was alone in dealing with. I have such a renewed hope after reading these in knowing that i am not alone with my struggles. Thank you.
I want to second the comment that said please ask for help! I often feel like I want to help someone, but don't know how. You would actually be helping ME if you just came up and asked. We are so blessed when we serve others: don't deny me a blessing!
I also identify with the comment about how others' pain can be your own. My biggest trial right now is watching someone I love going through so much stress (both financial and dealing with past abuse - you're really not the only one), and I don't see any big way of helping. All I can do is try to be there and make it obvious that I care.
To the last anonymous on April 5th,
I know it's been a while since you posted, and i'm not even sure if you will read this. I have also struggled with my faith. A couple months ago i met with my bishop and he said something that has really helped. Since i read your post, i keep thinking that i need to share - perhaps it's the spirit telling me to. My bishop said there are times when you feel the spirit; times when you get a feeling deep in your core, times when you get goosebumps on your skin. It can happen when you hear a story someone shares that leaves you feeling really struck. This is the spirit. And though you may not believe in God, you probably believe in things related to Him more than you realize. Listen for the spirit, recognize when you are moved - and eventually you'll come to realize that these are all gifts from God. And then the rest will come. Hearing this has really helped me. I'm starting to recognize my goosebumps and thoughts i have. I don't know if any of this helps you, but hopefully that voice in my head will stop telling me to write this now! Best of luck to you, it will come.
I've been dealing with my husband looking at pornography online for our entire marriage. It's off and on. Most of the time, I feel like life's good, but then every few months something feels "off" and I confront him and he's slipped again. Sometimes, I actually catch him in the act (not on purpose). I go through this cycle of grief EVERY TIME. I'm just so tired of it.
The worst part of the whole thing is not being able to talk about it to anyone. There is no one I could go to with this kind of information. I feel so desperately alone. If I went ANYONE I know, that would just damage him and his reputation, and people talk, and word gets around. I would hate for that to happen to him, as sick as I am of the whole thing, I still love him and don't want to hurt him.
Another crappy thing about this problem is that it has affected how I feel about men. I can't even look at a man anymore without my skin crawling. I think they're all just creepy and nasty. Why? Why do they want to look at crap like that? It makes my soul feel so empty, and makes me feel like God didn't know what he was doing when he created us.
As you can guess, he had another "episode" today. I came home from the store, and there was this note from him: "I'll stay away until you want me home. Call me when I can come back." I'm considering never calling. (Not really though, but kind of).
Sorry to burden everyone with this, but thanks, jen, for giving me a place to write this.
Sorry to just keep adding to this comment list. You've probably heard enough by now. BUT . . .
To Anonymous whose daughter was sexually abused, I don’t know how old she is, but I was also abused for 5 years (from age 4 to 9) and experienced a good 10 or 12 years of recovery time. I sincerely feel now that I have been entirely healed in every way from that tragedy, and would love to help in any way that I can. I set up an anonymous email account (because of the information I’m about to disclose about my trials) so that you can contact me if you’d like. It is mytherapeuticaddress@live.com. I think that my insights could maybe be helpful for you – or at least somewhat encouraging with the hopelessness that you might feel on and off.
To the most recent Anonymous who has a husband struggling with porn – thank you so much for what you wrote. You wrote just for me. I found out 3 days ago that my husband has been caught in the same battle for almost our entire marriage and before that since sometime in his teenage years.
My second objective with the anonymous email is to come in contact with you so that maybe we can support eachother.
I can’t even begin to describe all the ways that this has turned my world upside down. We have been married for 5 ½ years and have 3 kids and I’m just sick. I had been meeting with the Bishop lately anyways about my demanding calling because life’s challenges have just been so hard (before this all happened) and to add this to the mix just feels like too much to deal with.
Let me give you some history on me and the miserable disgusting guys I have had in my life. From age 4 to 9 I was sexually abused. In High School a horrible guy harassed me for a few years, but it got worse and worse to the point that he was charged with sexual abuse too when I finally reported him. For college I went to BYU. I thought there would be some good guys to be around there, and there were – but they didn’t usually want to date me. I dated one guy who was using me horribly but I had a hard time seeing it until the night that I almost got date-raped. That was sickening. And right after that, I met my husband. Finally a decent guy who really had interest in me and would treat me well. We had some ups and downs (funny stories mostly) in our relationship, but after a while we got married. Finally someone to not take advantage of me, and to treat me decently.
So, the one guy in my life that hasn’t let me down WAS letting me down – cheating on me with his computer for our entire marriage and I had no clue. I guess I did have a clue though – I’ve wondered about it on multiple occasions over the last few years. BUT, instead of acting on my worry, I have criticized myself for being so suspicious and judgmental. It makes me so feel so sick and stupid and used. I feel horribly ugly and unattractive now(I’m sure many of you know what 3 kids in 4 years can do to a body).
I had so many hopes of being like all these couples that are older than us in every stage of life and just spiritual giants. Now I feel like those hopes are crushed and we’ll never end up like that.
Another crappy part is that I CAUGHT HIM. He didn’t come to me wanting to fix it and change. After all these years I finally dug it up by downloading some software that could discover it out of the erased memory of his computer. He’s still been hiding it so I don’t know how sincere he is about changing.
He is saying that he wants to ‘clean up’ his life so that he can be more receptive to the spirit, but as we talk about what he can do he will agree with some things and then others he’ll say, “well I don’t know if I’m ready to go there yet” (like the disgustingly nasty ultimate fighting shows with all their fowl language and pornographic number holding skanks).
I just question his commitment. I’ve also asked him to do certain things to help me feel better about it all, and he certainly isn’t trying very hard.
I’ve always wanted a big family, but now that I know these spiritual burdens are here to stay, I don’t know if I should bring more children here to experience this with us.
One more discouraging thing is that right away I just delved into lds.org looking for comfort & encouragement, and was able to find 3 different stories printed in church magazines where people talk about their experiences with porn and the one thing they all say at the end – where I hoped to read that they were completely healed and so grateful for the atonement – is instead that they have been so blessed from the atonement, but that it is NEVER OVER. I don’t want a burden that is never over. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life worried about what he may be caught up in and the negative effect it will have on my kids and I. I want the husband that I signed up for, but now I don’t even know if that husband exists.
Thanks for letting me vent on here. The pain of not being able to reach out to people around me for help and support is so hard. And my husband just isn’t really the comforting type – especially right now.
I am super blessed that I do have one good friend who I have confided in and her listening ear and compassion for my situation has carried me through these last few days. I realize that I’ve betrayed my husband by letting his secret out, but I need someone who cares so bad. Sometimes I’m just too angry to get the help I need from prayer and the comforter. I am anxious though to hopefully find a member online that might be experiencing the same thing as me so that I can learn more about how to deal with it all.
Thank you so much for this post. Jen, I don’t know you at all, but even the emotional release I have felt as I read through the previous comments on here about everyone’s difficulties has been so valuable for me. It is also so good to know that someone – even if I don’t know you – feels my pain and knows the burdens I am carrying.
Thanks again.
- mytherapeuticaddress@live.com
Anonymous...
I am so sorry for the things you are going through! I SO know how you feel. It's been over a year since I found out my husband was addicted to pornography. We had been married for a year and didn't have any kids, so that was a blessing. He had been looking at it on the computer for 6 months of our marriage. I believe it was also something he must have struggled with before our marriage. Like you expressed, I always had a feeling that he was struggling with this, but I didn't have evidence of it and the couple times I asked him about it he said he wasn't. When I found pornographic pictures on our computer I felt so sick to my stomach! It has truly been the biggest struggle of my life.
I always wanted the perfect marriage, like we all do, and thought that my husband had so much potential to be a great church leader. I could see him doing so much in his life. He's so smart. When I caught him, he did seem like he was glad because now he could start getting over the addiction. As we discussed things he would need to do I thought he seemed so sincere... but then he never did anyhting! I didn't see him pray, read scriptures, or cut out bad tv shows like we had talked about.
I know that he isn't looking at pornography anymore. It's something that we talk to each other about every few months. But at the same time, I'm still angry at him and I can't seem to get over that.
I'm angry that he never seemed to truly repent... and then feel guilty for being angry about that.
I'm angry that I still have moments where I wonder if he's looking at things he shouldn't.
I'm angry that while we are being intimate I am wondering if he's comparing my body to the girls he's looked at.
I'm angry that he is not the person that I wanted to be married to and that he hid that from me when I was making the decision to marry him.
I am angry that everytime we go to the temple together, I wonder if he truly feels worthy to be there.
So many things still make me angry. I just want you to know that you are not alone...and even though I just made a list of all of the things that I hate about it, it DOES get better!!! I promise you. Right now it's very hard. Talk to him about it often. Let him know that you are not going to let it go. Let him know that this is something that needs to be talked about often so that you can heal and so that you can help him get over it. I will be thinking of you!
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