I decided to chew on this topic instead of the bags of candy at my house....
I've been thinking so much about this topic. Probably because my uncle ( who was just a bishop and counseled with so many women) and Dad (also counsels with women through church) speak of it often. My Dad has been telling me how many women he speaks to suffer from utter despair. They feel like they don't measure up, both to other women, or to themselves, like they just can't do it "all". Why is it that we don't give the credit we give to other people to OURSELVES? I'm totally guilty of this.
I have definitely felt moments of despair, not long lasting, but moments. I remember feeling like I shouldn't even be a mom, like I am no good at it, that someone else could do a far better job, and that I just didn't want to do it anymore. I know people suffer with that same feeling when it comes to marriage, or just making good choices. I can't imagine feeling that way constantly. I feel like it's a plague in our day.
Why is this? Was this always how it's been and women just haven't talked about it, or is life getting harder and harder? Are we comparing ourselves more than ever to the idea of "perfection", or is it because we just don't understand the atonement well enough? Or are we really too harsh- judging our fellow mothers/friends/coworkers. Instead of uplifting, loving and embracing each persons individuals talents & goodness, driving them farther away from feeling good about themselves by not remembering that everyone has weaknesses. Or am I way off on thinking that this is a problem at all?
Thoughts?
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21 comments:
Definitely a problem. I don't know the answer to why we compare so much or why we are so hard on ourselves, but I have felt this SO much in my life. I think it is especially hard on LDS women because there are so many talented, beautiful, more patient, more kind, more... fill in the blank women all around us. There's a song...I think Michael Mclean... that says, "We should be more gentle with ourselves". So true!
The opposite of despair is faith. I believe that if we have faith in Jesus Christ and God the Eternal Father, we will not despair. That is my thought. m
I completely feel this way a lot of the time and have actually thought about going to the bishop to talk about it, hoping that maybe I'll be guided. But I haven't gone, because the kids will do something or Eric will say something that makes me snap out of it for a moment. But I do feel it, and feel it often. I actually broke down the other night in near hysterics because I felt like I didn't measure up.
It is a problem. I don't know why women are so hard on themselves. Maybe it's because we all judge each other and ourselves way way way more than we should.
This is something I think about, as I try not to think about what a horrible mother I am.
I think that just 100 years ago most people lived in extended families. The women had networks of aunts and sisters and mothers and cousins and grandmothers, all at some stage of raising a family. It was easier to see exactly what they were doing (and not doing) as mothers, to have them as example and support group. It was easy to see that you were as good a mother as they were, that mothers are only human, and everyone helped each other.
More of what mothers did was about keeping their families clean, dressed, and fed. If your children were clean and dressed and healthy, you were doing your job. Nowadays it isn't so hard to keep the family alive, and we spend less time canning and gardening and sewing, and more time doing things we CAN, like decorating or shuttling kids to sports and music lessons or throwing fancy birthday parties. We've started thinking these extras are the signs of a good mom. We've raised the bar on good mothering, when really the essentials are the same they always were. We need to stop and strip away all the non-essentials to see what really matters, and even then we need to go easy on ourselves: Do my kids spend more time laughing than crying? Are they eating enough? Are they dressed? Do they have warm beds at night? Are they learning the morals and values I think are important? Do they feel loved? If we can start our mothering evaluations with a list of everything we're doing right, we'll be less beaten down by our weaknesses and better able to work forward with hope.
It's 9 AM and my two-year-old is still in her pajamas, eating toast for breakfast in front of a movie. I haven't done the dishes from last night, the dining room table is covered with junk mail, I haven't showered, and I've been at the computer for like 45 minutes already. But when my daughter bit her finger, she came to me for kisses and tickles. Job well done!
Random thoughts that may or may not be applicable:
I'm not sure if we could ever really pinpoint the source of occasional despair. It is probably always a combination of things. Whenever I get to feeling that way I have to really work at getting rid of it. I don't think for me it is because I am comparing myself to others. I think for me the source tends to be more internal. I have my own little bag of tricks to help me get out of it. I think certainly we have to have more compassion for others, but as individuals we need to own our emotions, feelings and frustrations and find ways to deal. For some who really struggle going to a counsellor or getting medicated is the answer. For others prayer (or a good scripture study) and giving our problems to the Lord helps. Sometimes a good run and a compulsive housecleaning does the trick....not that I am admitting to anything. ;)
One last thought. Life is getting crazier. I agree, Jen, we need to have more compassion with others and ourselves. We need to build a true relationship with Christ that is intimate and personal. One that draws us to be a true disciple of Him. One that allows us to be a source for others to know Him and feel of His love.
Okqy. That is all. Loves and kisses.
I agree with all of the comments. Women (especially in our church because of how much we are in contact with each other) are much too hard on themselves. We pit our weaknesses against others' strengths and I think many feel threatened by other people's accomplishments...probably because that's one more thing at which we don't measure up (or at least will have to add to our list to work on).
There's a book that I remember seeing on our bookshelf growing up with a title that somehow fascinated me. It was called, "I'm okay, you're okay". The point of it is that if you feel good about yourself, you feel good about others (and the other way around probably works too). If we know who we are, daughters of God and have developed a relationship with Him, we ought to be confident in ourselves and our own unique abilities. I've noticed it with myself. When I'm strong spiritually (not nearly as consistent as it should be), I have more happiness and confidence. Don't get me wrong...I have many moments of despair but know, in most cases, how to turn it around.
I've wondered about whether this is a new thing or just something that has come to the forefront in more recent years. I don't know which it is, but it's deffinately there.
Pres Uchtdorf gave that talk about how women tend to do this. We never think we are good enough. We always have to nit pick at ourselves.
I agree. When leaders of the church say this life is getting harder and Satan works harder on us than ever before -- it couldn't be more true. For this exact reason. Satan wants us to feel inadequate in all aspects. He wants us to feel crummy about ourselves.
We all have our best that we bring to the table. We are all different and unique. Women in general, not just those of the church, forget this. We just have to dig deep, and in our minds be a little arogant to remind ourselves of our good qualities. Because the good in us, definitely outwiegh the bad.
And just a little side not about the "someone else could do a better job at this mom thing." Kids learn from their parents and especially from observing in their actions and words. "Monkey see -- Monkey do." Pretty sure all of your children are just as sweet as can be -- that says a lot about their parents :)
love you jen!!
Very thought-provoking for Halloween. I don't really know the answer. I don't know if it is worse in our day because I've never lived in any other "day." I do know that my grandmother has struggled with severe eating disorders for nearly 70 years. She got dentures when she was 18, and now that she has Alzheimers, she can't hide it any longer. We've also discovered that she's addicted to pain killers. Do I judge her? No. Do I feel so badly that she has carried all this pain around with her for all these years, along with the great desire to achieve "perfection", and obviously suffered from despair? Yes. She is an amazing woman, achieved so much in her life, and has loved many people. I wish she could have found some help earlier in her life.
I think it has been here all along, but it may be accentuated by our busy lives. Honestly, some days I wish I could live more like the pioneers when the focus of life was survival, not achievement. But then I think about the luxuries of indoor plumbing, epidurals, and tampons, and my longing for 1850 fades quickly. I was thinking about this a couple of weeks ago while I was watching "Dancing with the Stars." My thought: I need to stop watching this show because I think it is warping my concept (even further) of what my body "should" look like. There is just so much around us to distract us from the truly important things: being an attentive wife, a loving mother, an always-improving Daughter of God.
You know I have felt utter despair. It's been a while, but I distinctly remember thinking that maybe there is a better family out there for my kids. I wasn't feeling sorry for myself, it was an actual, legitimate thought. I actually wondered how I would go about finding parents who could truly love my little guy unconditionally and really, really help him because I felt like I was failing. My conclusion: I think you are right on the money with the Atonement thing. If we can go back to the "basics" of the gospel, and remember that Christ loves us, He knows us, and He is there to help us, there is no reason for despair. As with everything else in life - Easier said than done.
Thanks for letting me vent. I don't think responses are supposed to be longer than the original post. Oh well...You know me, and being long-winded, or thorough (as I like to call it) is me! Love you and your thought!
What a great topic. My thoughts on this are that it isn't bad to be proud of what we are good at and at the same time embrace others gifts. We need to remember our gifts were given to us by our Father in Heaven. If I compared myself to you with having such an amazing talent in photography I could NEVER measure up, so instead we should seek out people whose talents lift us up.
Every day I am surrounded by amazing women and rather than feel bad that they are better than me I try to add my own gifts to the mix.
I have been very blessed in my life and have never felt true despair, but I do feel inadequate often. It's at these times when we need to remember we are daughters of God and find our own recipe for getting rid of those feelings. For me (like Alita) it's a good run or just digging into a project.
Love the comments and let's all try to lift up the women around us!
Love the discussion. Don't have anything new to add but i just wanted to say i am LOVING your new title bar picture. It is adorable!!!!
Wow. It's great to read all the comments. I always enjoy your blog. Thanks.
I agree that it's a problem. And I think blogging sometimes contributes to that! One of my friends and I call it "blog envy"- reading people's blogs makes their life seem perfect and so much better than our own, because so many people only post happy events and talk about how wonderful their husband/ kids/ life are. I admit I'm guilty of this sometimes! Blogging is a great outlet for showing the world how much we love our families and our lives, but we need to remember that EVERYONE has struggles and challenges, even if they never write or talk about them. Sorry, I got a little off topic!
It is a huge problem! & I must say I'm guilty of feeling that way quite alot! I can see the goodness, talents etc in everybody else but not in myself! I often feel like I can't do this anymore, don't measure up etc, etc... but one thing I do know is that my family love me no matter what & I have great friends that know me well & that is a great comfort! We need to encourage each other & often!
Hope you are well :)
love,
tanya xx
I haven't known what to write since you've posted this but I have to say that I love what the first lady said at Stake Conference yesterday. That we should pray for a decreased amount of doubt and more confidence in our selves. Those aren't her exact words but that's what I got out of it.
When I was working in the pharmacy, I got to know a lot of our customers very well. A lot of the women in our church who held stressful callings, RS Pres. etc.., were hooked on anti-anxiety and sleep meds. My heart went out to them. It is so hard not to do and be perfect especially when others are watching and looking up to you for guidance. Hopefully we can all help and build one another so we don't need other worldly things to help us. I hope that made sense.
I think this is a big problem so many women are dealing with.. I felt like this last general conf. really address us with HOPE & LOVE. At least that is how I felt after conference.. that all the talks were uplifting and inspiring. I always have to remind myself I can't do it all and my house doesn't have to be spotless and somedays I can spend all day in my PJ's if I want...
I wasn't going to comment on this, but I have been thinking about it quite a bit.
I have to say that I feel despair mostly when I am focusing on myself and my woes. This may seem simplistic, but I find that I am much, much happier when I exercise regularly. When I don't, I really feel "off." It's amazing what an effect exercise can have on my mood and outlook. If I miss my dance classes I am not a happy woman. If I have that outlet, I feel I have done something good for my body (even though I still need to drop 20 lbs.), and have been creative and expressive. It feels so good!
Also if I stay busy, it is a rarity to feel despair.
I have plenty of things I could despair about, trust me. I agree that despair is the polar opposite of faith. If we truly, truly believe, it's pretty hard to despair. It's just so darn easy to lose focus on Christ's promises.
Oops...and P.S. I totally agree with Lisa. Well said!
I have been thinking about this a lot. I posted about it. Go check it out. m
I feel like we live in a society that is telling us that we can be everything... a mom, career woman, wife, exercise fantatic, PTA supporter, and so forth. Anyone knows that just being a mother is stressful and jam packed all on its own! I have feelings of despair when my calendar is full, my baby is crying, the house is a mess, my husband wants to "get some," and my VT want to come over. We, as women, have a hard time just accepting that we can't do everything. The word "NO" is unacceptable in our vocabulary. I have been practicing saying no but when I do, I feel tremendous guilt! Is this a perpetual cycle? I want to be nuturing and be a supermom because it makes me feel awesome! The downside is when I don't measure up, I feel depressed like I failed. Once that hits, it just cascades to every bad thing that I do. I know this may be totally corny but I have started to have a gratitude moment, I guess you can call it, when I rock my children at night. Me and my 3 munchkins get on the rocker (it is quite the sight) and tell one thing we are grateful for that day. You will be surprised at the things your little ones will say. You will also be surprised at what you can see when you look for something positive.
Melissa, I love that, and totally agree! You are brill.
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