Motherhood Hormones

So...Taelyn is now 16 months. She has always been a fabulous baby. It was actually a fairly easy transition to have her added to our household, unlike Tanner who was a cried as if he was being paid to do so. I was recently looking through a journal I began on the computer when Tae was about 7 months old. I started to write on the computer because I couldn't get the words out fast enough on paper. I'm pretty emotional after a baby, a good year needs to go by and I need to stop nursing before my hormones really get back to where they should be. Well, I want to share a little bit of my journal. It's something I feel we all as mothers need to talk about more frequently, our downfalls, our frustrations with not being what we think we should. I know I have posted something along these lines before, but it always helps me when I know that every mother struggles. It's sad that I enjoy that, but I do. We all need support. So here is a bit:

"January 19, 2007

For sometime now I’ve wondered if I’m really cut out to be a mom. Wondering if I will ever be able to feel that I’m a “good mom”. The other day Jasper happened to be home at about 2 in the afternoon. The house was a disaster; Taelyn had been crying the majority of the day and wouldn’t let me put her down because she was running a fever. Tanner has just stopped napping in the afternoon and was having his daily breakdown at the old nap time fit, Madeline was complaining about not being able to play with friends, and Jaren was a bit whinier that usual. So all this happened to be going on all at once. One minute I was fine, the next something just snapped inside of me- which is not unusual of me. I couldn’t take it anymore. I felt like any second I would just internally combust...literally. I walked into my bedroom and Jasper asked if he could help me with anything. I said something ridiculous like, just shoot me… he took Taelyn and closed the door softly. This is his way of telling me I can lay down and he’ll take care of everything. So I threw myself on my bed and started to sob, and sob some more. All the while thinking, how can I do this? What am I doing to my children? Why can't I just hold it together and snap out of this, I have so much to be thankful for. I don’t know what was going on with me, maybe hormones. I feel like doing that often, but I’m generally good at holding it in and it passing.
My point to this experience is that after this I had felt prompted to look for this article on LDS.org that remembered seeing a long time ago. In my search efforts, I found an article. It resonated so deeply with me I couldn’t hold back the tears. I completely related to this woman who wrote that article the year I was born. Her talking about not wanting more children because she wouldn't be able to raise them the way she thought the Lord would want them raised. Since acting on that prompting I have been able to read my scriptures in a different light. I read last night about nephi building the ship and I was able to really apply it to me and my life as a mother. It was really incredible. And since I’ve been striving to do things like read and pray EVERY day I have been blessed with sources like friends, the scriptures, BYU TV talks, and the Ensign to truly give me guidance. It’s amazing what answers and solace I’ve received in such a short amount of time. I feel so grateful for this! I want to be a good mom. I want to have patience. I want to love playing with my children for more that 15miutes at a time=). I want to teach them the gospel. I want to do so many things better than what I’m doing. The dumb thing is that I have often been told, I believe, by the spirit what I could do to make my life run smoother. And then I choose not to do them. Such as… to work out and shower before the kids get up in the morning. In this way I’d take time for myself and give myself more time in the day. To enjoy my children more often, to spend less time on the computer when they’re awake. To make my bed every morning, to clean up every night before I go to bed so I don’t wake to endless household chores. The list goes on. I just really need to implement one thing at a time. I’ve finally started to read and pray everyday, instead of every week. And already, I’ve found so much solace in this. Anyway, all in all, I feel like I’m on my mission all over again. Feeling every flaw and weakness that I have so intensely. I suppose that’s how we change. If I didn’t feel this way, I would be quite content in my bad habits. I am grateful for this time in my life.
I must go…Tanner is attempting to dump out the pee from his training potty… Jen

Sunday January 21, 2007

I feel like I’m the verge of some sort of breakdown. This is why I think we should be done having children. I can barely cope with the ones we already have. It’s so frustrating feeling this way. It’s like one minute I feel fine, the next I want to burst inside. It’s like…everything around me is too chaotic for me to deal with. Even the smallest things like dirty dishes in the sink drive me to complete madness, like I'm not myself anymore- over dirty dishes? How could this be? Am I losing my mind?? Or is this just PMS and I’ll be fine next week. I live my life out of guilt sometimes, and this is what I’m so afraid of. Having more children because I feel guilty for not. But I love kids. So much. My children are the best things ever!! I want to do so much better that I feel there’s so much I need to improve on that it’s too overwhelming. Impossible to get to where I’d like to be. My progress stands still.
I just found these quotes from talks on Motherhood that really struck me as for me;
“But don’t you see,” I yearn to say, “that the present, unsavory though it sometimes appears, is in reality most precious and delicious? There is perhaps nothing more delightful than the sound of a little child’s laugh, nothing more earnest than a little child’s inquiry for knowledge, nothing more genuine than a little child’s hug, nothing more pure than a little child’s love, and nothing more sacred than a little child’s trust. Motherhood is not a burden to be borne; it is a privilege to be enjoyed. It is not a trial of endurance; it is a time of celebration.”

“I changed the way I prayed, focusing more on my relationship with my Heavenly Father. I asked Him for guidance more than help, for understanding more than deliverance. I went to the temple as often as I could.”
This is what I need to do."

Now why I have thought so much about these entries I don't know. Maybe because they symbolize months of days like these. Maybe I should feel embarrassed over my unstable moods, but I don't. It was much worse internally that I could write on paper. And yet it came and it went. And I did learn from it. And I am still grateful for those very difficult couple of months. I still go through similar times now and then but not like these. Everyone has hard days. Perhaps I had a touch of postpartum, but I had lots of good days too. So that's that. Sorry this is so eternally long. But I felt prompted....