Jason and I are going through the toughest part in our marriage so far, and I hate it. We knew stuff would change when Bree came along, but I guess I just didn't realize how much.
I just miss him, if that makes sense. I miss having time for just the two of us. I just tend to get more snippy toward him because I can't keep the house up with Bree following me around all day and messing things up, and I get so tired of ASKING him for help with stuff. I just wish he'd do things without being asked, ya know? He's a wonderful husband, and I don't have any worries about anything happening with us - we're in it for the long haul, but I just don't remember there every being a time when it's been so hard for us. We just argue more than we used to, and it's just not the same.
If you don't mind me asking, did you guys ever go through something like this after your kids came along? What did you do?
It just makes me sad that things aren't as fun and carefree as they used to be. But, we're working on it. He suggested we have Bree go stay with his parents Friday night, so at least we'll have an evening just the two of us. We're trying, but sometimes I feel like we're just spinning our wheels. If you have any insight or advice, I'd surely welcome it."
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
What do you think?
I got an email this morning from a dear friend asking for a little advice. When I read what she wrote is was like I was looking back at myself 7 years ago. Here's her email:
I already emailed her back my essay. :) But I thought it would be really interesting and helpful for anyone in this situation to share what helped them. It can be difficult when you start a family, all new challenges arise; workload, getting on the same page with parenting styles, hormones, meeting each others needs, learning how to communicate...yadda yadda. I know one of the most important things is that men don't always know how to help. Really and truly, not because they don't want to help, but because they don't naturally walk into your home and access like we do. They need to told- exactly- what to do to help you. Sad but true. I spent years wishing that I wouldn't have to keep asking Jasper for his help. Why couldn't he see that as I was trying to make dinner there were 2 kids crying at my feet, the house was a wreck and I was in an awful mood? There he would sit doing whatever it was he was concentrating on- tuning it all out so perfectly- while I continued making dinner, getting madder and madder and madder. Now...present day. When Jasper comes home I give him a good 15 minutes to do whatever he wants. I know he needs time to gather himself before jumping into chaos again. Then I kindly (ok, so I try) ask him to do whatever I need help with, I'm the queen of bossiness so I had to work at this. Over time he has gotten better and better. Now he puts my kids to bed every night, he cleans the kitchen without me asking him to...he's so much better at accessing. But he's still a man. :) I also try (it's really hard for me) to not vent to him when he gets home. I save that for later...even if it's just 30 min. later so he's not bombarded when he walks in the dooor. We've talked a lot about how things were at first...and he's said what I just told you, he really didn't know what to do to help me.
ANYWAY...what has helped you? Thoughts??
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Jen-ben
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12 comments:
Uhh yeah. We men are almost all the same, in certain ways. Tell us exactly what you want and don't expect us to be able to read between the lines or read your mind! Most of the time when you get ticked off at us we have absolutely no idea why. You might as well come right out and tell us, because we wont figure it out either. Were not Stupid we just think differently (I would say Logically) but that doesn't sound very kind or sensitive... Anyways... Communication is key! FHE is very important, and Family Counsel. Sit down and talk about things regularly. Even going for walks and talking is very important. Also Listen, even if you think were are just venting about work or random stuff. Listen. Don't expect me to listen to you, if you wont listen to me. Also a little sugar and positive reinforcement goes along way. If you get all naggy on us we will probably not want to be around you, or just assume its that time of the month. It will make it that much easier to work longer hours just so we wont have to hear it when we come home. Sad but true. Most important though is constant communication. Here is a good idea I just thought of, ask your husband for a PPI. Am I going to be in trouble with my wife when she reads this comment? I don't think so. I love her more than anything and I only want for her to be happy. Whatever it takes.
P.S. what happened to anonymous comments Jen?
So true that they need to told how to help you. I think that it also helps them find their place as the husband and father within the home. Great post, Jen!!
I like what Alan said about a little sugar! That's what that whole book - The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands - was about. Just be nice! Be sweet and loving and take care of him and he will do whatever you want!
My advice to your friend would be to first not worry too much, it's a hard transition, but it's just that -- a transition. It takes a while to work all those things out, but it does happen.
Also I want to second the idea of going for walks! For us that is the very best time to talk things out. We're in relaxed moods, there's nothing distracting us, and I think the movement helps your brain function better or something, because everything seems so much more clear when you're on a walk.
It will be so interesting to hear what everyone has to say.
My heart goes out to this good woman and her husband and baby. I've said it before (and I may swallow my words after the twins are born), but the biggest adjustment for us was going from zero children to one child (adding the second and third didn't seem quite as alarming/unsettling to our marriage at least). It was actually my husband who looked at me when our first baby was about four months old and said, "I never thought I would say this, but I am jealous of my own son. I just miss you so much." I was so wrapped up in the new and unusual world of motherhood (and all of my changes - physical, emotional, spiritual, etc.) that I didn't even realize that I was neglecting him.
She's right - things aren't as fun and carefree anymore. It just takes time to adjust to a new reality. One in which you are both more exhausted, more responsible, more stressed, but so much more blessed. I would echo everybody else: tell him exactly what you need (or ask him nicely and playfully show some skin if necessary) and be grateful and tell him (A LOT) how much you appreciate all that he does - in the home to help out and at work. I like to be overly specific even when it isn't nagging. When Greg comes home and I scrubbed the bathroom that day or organized a closet, I make it a point to show him all my hard work and he gushes for a few minutes about what a wonderful homemaker I am. It makes me feel appreciated. He does the same thing. I often take five minutes out of my day to gush about the clean car and look over every detail to admire his hard work. We know it's staged, but it works for us.
One more thing (I am so long-winded) is take advantage of those date nights!!! We are not great at this because it is costly to pay a babysitter, but if grandparents are offering, take them up on their offer and enjoy some one-on-one time with your husband: completely guilt free. You'll probably talk about the baby most of the time, and that is okay. But, you'll also be able to connect again (maybe a more "casual" Family Council). You can talk about yourselves and what you need from each other. It always seems much less hostile when it's over a nice, quiet dinner and not in those crazy, stressed-out moments during the day. I don't know how old the baby is, but when she is older, seriously consider an overnighter with just the husband. I think it is imperative to take that Mom Hat off every once in a while and just be the Wife (or the Girlfriend).
I hope this helps. So many of us have been there and we genuinely feel her pain. Give it some time, and maybe Jason just needs what my husband needed - his wife back every once in a while (even if just for a few minutes).
Good luck and even though I don't know you, my heart goes out to you!
Oh I can so relate! Marriage + Baby = HUGE FRUSTRATING ADJUSTMENTS! But the kind that you are so greatful for because you wouldn't trade your baby for anything in the world. I'm there. On the radio last week I heard about a study someone did that found that (some huge percent) of people were more dis-satisfied with their marriage post children than they were before having kids. I don't have any great advice, because like she said and I will repeat, I miss my husband!! We just aren't US anymore. We used to love hanging out during all of our spare time. Now I'm ready to freak out on him for something or other most of the time. Sounds like a personal problem maybe? All I know is, I know I can get through this... think of all of the many many people who already have.
Thanks for posting about this! Your blog is turning into my own personal handbook on life. I love it.
I can't say we went through a huge adjustment with the first baby. She was so good, I had a c-section so got my libido back quicker (sorry to be specific) and we both loved to just sit and stare at her. Now, when #2 came along...that was a different story. I didn't even realize how bad it was until looking back. I really let myself go in a lot of ways because I felt overwhelmed and we were on a budget--I didn't get as dolled up, and wore sloppy clothes A LOT. I look back at pictures and videos and seriously think YIKES (we have four kids now, and have been married 12 years).
My advice? Remember that the man has different needs than yours. Be specific with him about yours, and ASK him about his. He's probably missing his little hottie and you're just wanting help with the child/house care. DATE. Find another couple with one or two kids and trade date nights. We did that for years and it was awesome.
It was this past year that made me realize why all those old, married folks tell you when you are a newlywed that "marriage is work!" It really is a ton of work, especially as life gets busier, problems arise and more kids come. But the blessings of keeping it strong are huge--a strong marriage is...what? how do you even describe it? The basis of a happy life.
Quick personal story: yesterday when my hub came home he had some stuff to do that put us behind for family dinner. By the time we sat down, everyone was going nuts (the two under 3 were screaming and throwing things). He said that we should've just eaten without him, which ticked me off b/c I'd made a spread of food, set the table, etc.
I decided to be ticked off for a couple of hours, which was really immature of me. Finally, I went and put my arms around him, told him I was sorry for being a jerk and am grateful for all he does for us. He looked at me, walked over and grabbed a box of fuses and went and changed the fuses in my minivan. They've been out forever, but making up with him was inspirational! :)
And thus I end my epistle.
and this has been mentioned, but tell the poor guy exactly what you need. guys are terrible at nuances. They need specifics. They are NOT like girls. We read into everything, dont' we? :) they don't.
Date night. Every Friday. I think it's HUGELY important! Get a babysitter and just go! It doesn't matter where, but go on a date! It helps you remember that you're a wife, and that you and your husband can have a relationship!
Sex. Lots of Sex. ;) Haha! Just thought I would get racy. In truth, I have found that like anything in life marriages take work. Not necessarily drudgery, but work. Work is an eternal principle that God blessed Adam and Eve with. As we work we see improvements and growth. Keeping a team attitude is helpful. Going out on girls nights out is a must. (I am a more relaxed wife/mom when I can get some girl time. Pedis are the cherry on my sundae.) Continually dating is essential. I have a personal rule that when we are out on a date there is no talking about bills, kids, or finances. It is a time to connect and enjoy each other.
As far as the household thing goes. I do what I can during the day and when we are home together we divide and conquer. Aaron does the bedtime routine and dinner dishes if he happens to be home during those things. I have all of the chores that keep our house clean and orderly outlined on paper so that Aaron knows on any given day what I want to get done. He can check my list, get instructions on how it is to be done and help me out without me nagging. It works for us. find a system that works for you.
Anyway. There's your non professional tips from a girl just trying to make it like ya'll. GL!
I learned after a few hard years that my husband really did not know what I needed even if it seemed obvious to me. I learned to ask for help and after awhile he started noticing when I needed help so I don't have to ask very much anymore. Kids are life changing and sometimes endurance is all that gets you through. Three kids later my husband and I enjoy just sitting down to watch a movie at night while the kids are asleep and we seem to enjoy just the little bit of time we have together. Often we could be just reading our own book but we are together. It doesn't have to be going anywhere, just being together. The best advice I could give is put your kids to bed at a decent time (8pm for ours) so we have at least a couple hours to be us and not mom and dad. I love reading your blog.
I think the first thing you have to do is realize that your life and relationships- all relationships, not just with your hubby- will NEVER be the same again. I spent a lot of time after my first baby thinking about how things "used to be" and working towards getting back to that. But a baby really changes everything, so look for ways to improve your relationship NOW, not try to capture how it was. Find new ways to enjoy spending time together and as a family!
After 6 years of marriage, my husband finally assigned himself a chore- doing the dishes every night. I don't have to nag him to help out any more, and he's doing something EVERY DAY! Just knowing that I don't have to do dishes again, and again, and again, makes doing the other chores so much easier! He's committed to it because he decided to do it on his own.
Great blog and great thoughts-
Thanks for posting!
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