weeks

These past couple of weeks have brought on a lot of thought. Gratitude, joy, love, sadness, a slight loss of freedom, and information overload. I must admit while I was at the hospital reeling about the birth of new disease in our family I kept thinking "what else really even matters in my life, except the safety and health of my family?" Nothing. It's strange how things like this propel what you've always known into really deeply feeling. The responsibility I feel about being a mother has grown immensely. I'd already been feeling that way for the last few years. I felt like my family was so impenetrable until quite recently as I've realized the toll the world will take on my children. Something that frightens me so much. Something I am constantly seeking guidance on from my Heavenly Father. I can't afford to lay back and just hope that my kids will turn out OK, that they will make great decisions on their own without help from their parents.

I am in the middle of reading a book called Snow Rising. There is one line in it that has really caught my attention. The main character is getting trained on how to climb a mountain. His teacher asks if he'd already learned one of the basics of climbing, he says no. She said "Oh good, I get to show you!". I caught myself wondering how different my attitude toward my role as a mother would be if I had that attitude toward my children. Oh good, I get to teach you how to be gentle to your brother, Oh good, I get to show you how to make your bed....
I know I babble all too often about being a mom. I think it's because I struggle so much with so many aspects of motherhood. It's a constant battle between myself and the self I want to be. The self I always envisioned being. I want to be her. I think I can be, but it might take until I'm dead.

I feel so thankful that the trial for us right now is manageable. That it won't result in death if we treat it properly. Every time I look at someone else's life, I see trials that I don't think I could handle. And sometimes I look at a woman and think, she has it so easy. Then I catch myself and realize I have absolutely no right judging like that. Maybe she does have it so easy right now, but I promise you from everything I am, she won't always.

I took a minute and decided to take a photo of every kid today. Just as they were, being them. I've added one of my very favorite poems as well. If you don't cry when you read it....well, don't tell me, because I do every time. :)

“HAVE YOU SEEN, ANYWHERE, A TALL LITTLE LAD

AND A WEE WINSOME LASS OF FOUR?

’TWAS ONLY TODAY, BAREFOOTED AND BROWN,

THAT THEY PLAYED BY MY KITCHEN DOOR.

’TWAS ONLY TODAY – OR MAYBE A YEAR?

IT COULDN’T BE TWENTY, I KNOW,

THEY WERE CALLING FOR ME TO HELP IN THEIR GAME

BUT I WAS TOO BUSY TO GO

TOO BUSY WITH SWEEPING AND DUSTING TO PLAY

AND NOW THEY HAVE SILENTLY WANDERED AWAY

IF PER CHANCE YOU HEAR OF THIS SLIM LITTLE LAD

AND THIS WEE WINSOME LASS OF FOUR,

I PRAY YOU TELL ME

TO FIND THEM AGAIN I WOULD JOURNEY THIS WIDE WORLD O’ER.

SOMEWHERE, I’M SURE, THEY’LL BE PLAYING A GAME,

AND SHOULD THEY BE CALLING FOR ME

TO COME OUT AND HELP THEM,

OH, TELL THEM, I BEG, I’M COMING AS FAST AS CAN BE!

FOR THERE’S NEVER A HOUSE MIGHT HOLD ME TODAY

COULD I HEAR THEM CALL ME TO JOIN IN THEIR PLAY.”

I am eternally grateful to be called "mom".