Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, gave an address to the women of the church. Her address centered on the important roles of women and mothers. She entitled it Mothers Who Know and outlined how mothers who know "who they are and who God is and have made covenants with Him" should live. I found her talk to be inspiring and uplifting. Her seven points were:
1. Mothers Who Know Bear Children
2. Mothers Who Know Honor Sacred Ordinances and Covenants
3. Mothers Who Know Are Nurturers
4. Mothers Who Know are Leaders
5. Mothers Who Know are Teachers
6. Mothers Who Know Do Less
7. Mothers Who Know Stand Strong and Immovable
I fear it will become more and more commonplace for good members of the church to fall away because of their inability to follow the Spirit and listen to the prophet. The distance between the world and the church is widening every day. I am not suggesting that we lose our individuality or that we turn our brains off and blindly follow every directive that we hear from our prophet. I believe that we have a responsibility to listen and then seek to know the Lord's will. Once you do that often enough you will find that the prophet truly is the Lord's mouthpiece."
I would love to know what some of you think. For a link to Sister Beck's talk click here. For a link to the article in the Deseret News click here. Feel free to share.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Mothers Who Know
This is a post from one of my dear friends Ali...she said everything in her post that I had thought, but couldn't get into words. I was actually so surprised at the amount of controversy her talk created.
These seven simple statements of truth seem to have sparked a bit of controversy. In the Deseret News, there was an interesting article about some negative reactions to Sister Beck's talk. The article was a bit surprising to me especially since I loved her talk so much. It seems that some women feel that Sister Beck's advice was archaic and typical of a patriarchal institution. Other women found her talk to be exclusive, failing to recognize that many women can't have children or are single and don't yet have the opportunity.Reading this article has reminded me yet again of how important it is to listen to the leaders of the church with the Spirit. When I do this, I will hear not only the words they say, but the meaning of what they say. I don't for a second believe that Sister Beck was excluding anyone. We are all mothers, whether or not we have children of our own, and we have a divine responsibility to nurture, teach, and love all children that we come in contact with. Her counsel to mothers is absolutely directed to all women. I also don't believe that she was forgetting that there is more to a woman than a womb and more to what we do as women than homemaking. To suggest that these were her main points is crazy. If I have the Spirit, I will not misunderstand.
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I loved her talk! She was speaking to women in general and people shouldn't feel that every single execption needs to be voiced in her talk. Of course she knows about them. She is right about what our role here on earth is. That is the point. Following this plan as closely as each of us can will nourish our souls and give us strength. We are happier when we know we are doing what the Lord wants us to do.
Sister Beck lost me with the passage "Homemaking includes cooking, washing clothes and dishes, and keeping an orderly home. Home is where women have the most power and influence; therefore, Latter-day Saint women should be the best homemakers in the world." As a SAHM who feels completely overwhelmed most of the time and who barely succeeds with the above "homemaking" I felt frustrated and deflated. Especially after the previous assertion that the mothers in the "poorest places on the earth" walk(!) their perfectly dressed, pressed and sparkly children to church. Everything after that just made me feel like weights were being piled on my back. I guess if you already are good at being one of those “women who know” then it was a great talk. But for some of us who have loud, unruly children, piles of laundry and husbands that don’t believe in family scripture study (not that my kids would sit still for it anyway) this talk only made me feel worse. I know her talk wasn’t all about housework, I have read it many times since, that is just where she lost me during the meeting and it is why I was so upset by her talk. I know it is an unpopular view but it is honestly how I felt. Can we please get Sis. Dew back?
I loved this talk! It's so easy to let our pride get in the way of taking what is said by our leaders and trying to apply it. If she says we need to work on homemaking, we need to do it; we can't just say "I'm not good at that" or decide we don't like that part. We've got to find a way to be humble and believe that we'll get the help we need. Also, we've got to remember that what she presents is the ideal, and not the current reality for most of us. And that's fine.
It was mentioned in the worldwide leadership training that homemaking is more than just housework--it's about the spirit in your home. One of my favorite little poems says "On judgment day if God shall say, 'Did you clean your house today?' I will answer, 'I did not. I played with my children and forgot.'"
We don't get upset when leaders talk about reading our scriptures every day, not gossiping, etc. even though we're lousy at those things, because we understand that that's the goal.
Women of God can never be like women of the world!! If we want to be women of God, let's listen!
Marie...I am also one of those people!! I feel like she was trying to say motherhood in general (with all those mundane jobs included) is so very important. I can 100% see why you felt that way! And I love how honest you are about it! I personally feel like I'm a better mom when I can forget about doing housework once a while and just play and enjoy my kids.
I often worry about women in the church feeling like we all need to be super-mom, or like we need to all aspire to be the same. I don't like that. I wish that we could all embrace the fact that we are each individuals, that some of us frankly are not good at keeping our houses perfectly organized, or fab cooks, and that low and behold my child is a wretch, but I love the child deeply anyway :). But that we all have gifts that make us wonderful women, and powerful influential mothers when we embody and embrace those differences. I firmly believe all of our individual personalities are meant to be...for a wise purpose. It's so hard not to compare ourselves to what looks like someone who has it all together. And to realize that God does not want us to all be alike, but to be ourselves, downfalls and all.
I'm babbling at this point....
Wonderful talk. I lived for years with no children, desperately wanting children. I never took offense at talks like this. I think because, like you said Jen, I listened with the spirit. I knew what they were saying. It does hurt when you don't have children in this church, but I learned a lot from those painful years. I am grateful for these lessons and will be using them for the rest of my life.
Wow Jen! You have great readers. Can I post all of my posts here? Haha. I appreciated Jana's comments about how Sister Beck was describing an ideal. None of us is a perfect wife, mother, homemaker etc. My mom is single and has no more children at home and her home is FINALLY perfect. Our learning is a process, even with that aspect of homemaking. The Spirit in our home is the ultimate indication of whether or not we are being successful homemakers and there are a million things we can do to affect that. Cleaning and cooking is only one of those things that can add to a beautiful spirit in our home.
Again, listening with the Spirit is the only way to receive direction from our Father in Heaven. So important right? It is so easy to feel discouraged about my inadequacies and failures if I don't.
I also loved this talk, and was inspired by it. I thought she was challenging us to be better, not reproving us for not being perfect. I am FAR from the perfect mom/ homemaker, but I viewed this talk as a call to try just a little bit harder at this wonderful and sacred role as a mom.
I agree and can NOW see where offense could be taken from a talk like this. BUT I was also surprised at all the controversy. I personally enjoyed her talk in that it inspires me to be better.
I don't think offense should be taken in that this talk is exclusive only to "mothers"- and I say that because there are plenty of talks that are "exclusive" only to those who are single, or exclusive to the Young Men or Young Women. Each of us is different and that should be a good thing! I think it is also important to note that the first sentence under her point Mothers Who Know Bear Children it says Mothers who know DESIRE to bear children....and she mentions that several times. Just makes me think that she is being sensitive to those unable to bear children and trying not to be exclusive. On the part about nurturing....."Working beside children in homemaking tasks creates opportunities to teach and model qualities children should emulate" This just makes me think of when I was in high school and working as a waitress. There was a girl there a few years older than me (so she would have been 18 or 19) who did not know how to sweep. She said she never had used a broom, had chores or anything growing up and that they had a maid and she was always gone when the maid was doing her thing. Now I would LOVE to be able to afford a maid but think that regardless it is important that children know how to do simple things such as that. Anyhow, these are just a few of my thoughts....
I think people-like Marie-need to realize that Sister Beck is a woman called of God to deliver inspired messages, not necessarily her own opinion.
She wasn't critizing us for not being perfect and not having perfect homes, she was trying to get us to be a little better. Remember Pres. Hinkley always saying "Stand a little taller, be a little better?"
Same thing.
Sister Beck wasn't being critical, just trying to inspire us to take a step up from where we currently are.
To anonymous- if you knew Marie, you'd know that she already knows that! :)
Thanks Jen,
I was trying post this (below) before the Anonymous comment but it didn't stick for some reason. I don't think that just because something is said by a leader on the pulpit means that everyone sees it the same way and there is no place for discussion.
Here’s the thing. When I say I am no good at housework I mean I am really bad at it, sure, if you give me advance notice my house would be cleanish when you arrived but that isn’t how it normally is. I have had such a hard time with Collin and his ASD that I feel totally ineffective as a teacher/mother. I cannot wait for school to start again so that the professionals can take over. There are things that I am really good at but this whole SAHM thing is not one of them and I hate it-not being good at it and the job itself (I know, cue lightning bolt). So much self worth is tied up in motherhood for Mormon women. This talk and many like it make motherhood the only important role for women. The suggestion that there is an “ideal” role that every woman can and should achieve makes no sense to me. How many people actually fit into that cookie cutter? I don’t. If the things she outlines are the only way for a woman to be acceptable to God then I guess I am out of luck. I think that this is how people were offended by her talk. Desire children- great, but if you can’t have them what do you do? Honor sacred covenants- also great but for those who aren’t in a position to be temple attending what then? Be the perfect mother and wife- a worthy goal but is that all there is for us to hope for? I think of the wonderful Mormon nurse who did my first pap smear, the many professional women that have touched my life, their experiences as mothers have made them better at their professions. Are these women casualties of “social pressure and worldly models of parenting”? Or are they magnifying the talents God gave them? I am already a second class citizen of the church because I have a non-member husband, am I third class now because I am not the “ideal” mother? Again, I am glad that so many found comfort in her talk. I am just trying to articulate how I personally feel and how my personal circumstance informs my view of her talk. The fact that there was such an uproar tells me that I am not the only person who feels alienated by her view of perfection. Sorry for the novel!
Hi Marie! You raised some hard questions in that last comment! I don't know if I'm right, but these are the answers I'd give if somebody asked me your questions:
what do you do if you can't have children? The answer is right there in the talk, all that's required is that we desire children. If you can't have them, it's up to you where to go from there.
what do you do if you're not in a position to go to the temple? Work toward getting to the position where you can. In whatever way you can.
Be the perfect mother and wife-- that's not what the talk says. It says we should strive to be really good moms. That's it. It doesn't say your house has to be spotless in order to be a nurturing environment. It says that all of those hideous mundane tasks actually mean something, so we shouldn't feel (as many sahm's feel) that we're not making ENOUGH of our life because all we do all day is housework.
Are women in the professional world casualties of social pressure and worldly models of parenting? Yes and no. Some women are doctors because they think being a doctor is more important than being a mom. Some women are doctors because they prayed and asked and were willing to accept whatever answer they got, and the answer they got was, be a doctor. There's no clear cut answer to this question, it's like the question of how many kids to have. You're supposed to have your priorities straight, and try with all your heart to find out what God wants you to do, and do it.
I've found that most moms who really care about being good moms feel the way you do Marie. That nothing they do is quite right.
I stopped comparing myself to other moms a long time ago. If I still was, I would wonder why I can't make roses grow, or why I don't have the time to hang all my laundry to dry, let alone install my own clothesline. Or why I can't take half the time my friend takes to become informed about her son's educational options or to be as involved as she is in his progress. Or why my kids' books keep getting ruined and lost, when my friend has the time to build a special kid-friendly bookcase.
I guess I should say, since other people are reading this that all that stuff above is about YOU! You do amazing things and you don't even know it! Every mom has different talents, and if you're a good mom you magnify them. Your kids are happy and adventurous and smart, who cares if they're loud? Sister Beck's talk isn't telling us to all aspire to the same ideal, it's telling us to be proud and happy to be moms, and strive to be the best we can be. And it's not telling us that we should all automatically love mothering, it's telling us that we can learn to love it more if we're willing to try.
Marie... you are still missing the point of the talk. We all have our share of difficulties, but you feel the way you do because you are choosing to feel that way. Try changing your outlook and perhaps your views may change as well. All you have to do is try Marie that is all this Talk was about, trying to be better. It's a challenge, are you going to shrink away or stand up and press forward?
Jen, I love the debates your blog inspires! I have to amend my earlier post- I do NOT ALWAYS think being a mother is wonderful. It is SO much harder than I ever imagined. When I was trying to get pregnant with my first baby, one of my motivations to have a baby was so I could quit my job. Now, there are some days I wish I had a full time job and no kids! :) This talk helped me reevaluate my role, and to realize how important it is. Being a mom isn't just about changing diapers and doing laundry, even though that's what I feel like I do for 18 hours a day! It's about raising and nurturing children. I think we as women strive so hard for perfection and are so hard on ourselves already that when we hear a church leader telling us we should be doing better, it can be depressing. But no one, relief society president or anyone else, should mandate how we should keep our homes or raise our children. Again, I think this talk was saying do the best you can with what you have, just try to be a little bit better.
I am a mom of 4 who also chooses to work full-time out of the home. I wouldn't say it was an easy decision to make but my husband and I made it together and I don't think it makes me less of a "mother".
I loved Sis. Beck's talk and I remember when she gave it I was trying to decide if we should have another baby or not and all I could think during her talk was "YES" that I should have another baby...not because we have to be baby machines as mom's but because it was right for our family at the time.
I know I'm not a perfect mom and I'm definitely not a perfect homemaker. I'm "that person" who everyone looks at as shirking her duties since I do have someone who comes and cleans my house and I have a nanny who takes care of my kids while I'm at work. But I don't let those people teach my kids what matters most in life. I still work beside my kids and teach them to sweep the floor and I make huge efforts to be the one my kids trust the most in life. I know that I can still strive to be a "mother who knows" even though I'm not a SAHM.
I'm not trying to justify the decision I made - I'm simply giving another perspective on being a mother. I love being a mom and I cherish the time I get to spend with my kids. Don't get me wrong they can drive me crazy when they are being kids but when I stop and listen to the spirit I know they are the so important.
Sorry for the long comment...I just kept having more random thoughts as I was typing.
Let me try a different approach:
Many times as I do housework I wonder what it is about my uterus that makes cleaning toilets and scrubbing floors my divine calling. Surely men, with their higher muscle mass could more efficiently remove the soap scum from my tub. With their greater average height they are much more able to dust the highest shelves and put the dishes away in the upper cabinets. Come to think of it, one of my great-grandmothers was a midwife in early Utah. I seem to remember hearing that many women were sent east for medical training in those years. Since she was my progenitor she obviously had kids who she must have left at home when she worked. Who cared for them I wonder? Her husband, a friend?
To respond to above suggestions I will attempt to get my sons to wear ties as they already have respectable haircuts and white shirts and the tie would complete the appearance that I am keeping my (non existent) temple covenants. Thus, I need not feel out of place at church.
While I clean I will try to find the divine in the same mundane tasks that almost all clothes wearing, food eating people do regardless of their job titles. I will also try to savor the few second of bliss while whatever I have cleaned remains clean and I move on to the next cup of spilt milk.
While I meet with my children’s teachers I will remain serene in the knowledge that however “qualified” they are I am my children’s best teacher and if I disagree with them they must be wrong. But I won’t worry about it because I have the power in my home – which is the most important place.
Seriously though, the role of women in the church and in the world is an issue that I have struggled with for most of my life. Being a full time mother is a hard job. We work long hours for no pay. We don’t get sick days, paid vacations, social security or retirement contributions or raises. We are entirely dependant financially on our spouses who have paid employment. Many of us (including me) lack the training or the experience to provide for ourselves and our family in the absence of our spouse’s income. Many of us have sacrificed getting that training in order to stay home and raise our kids in pursuit of the ideal in Sis. Becks talk. I truly admire women like you, Christine, who not only does an excellent job of raising her children but actually enjoys it! I seem to have neither the faith nor the stamina.
Holy Moly...do I dare even comment? ;)
I read and even commented on the Des. News article. My hubby's cousin is a moderator on the What Women Know website. The funny thing about that website is that I don't disagree with about 90% of it at all. I do disagree with speaking out against a church leader in that type of a forum.
As for the talk, I honestly cried during it because I felt so validated. Trust me, I have to make myself love motherhood some days. The laundry is insane (but I think we do this to ourselves sometimes by buying too many clothes...I do it, anyway!) and so many of the tasks are menial. There aren't many paying jobs that work around motherhood, or any that are worth the time (in $$)spent away from the fam.
There are bazillions of things I could say about the drudgery that is part of motherhood. There is nothing glorious or celestializing in cleaning toilets, changing poopy diapers, or sweeping the floor 800x/day. In fact, most of that is down right ANNOYING (especially when hubby is on the golf course for "work!"). What IS important about those things is keeping your family functioning and teaching them the principle of work. And your presence ALONE makes the hugest difference in the life of a child. Just talk to someone who was raised by daycare, and they can tell you what they regret. I am married to a fantastic man who was raised by daycare and summer camps, and there is so much he missed out on. I don't point this out to him, he points it out to me regularly. Having a mother stay home was an absolute foreign concept to him when we married. But he is INCREDIBLY grateful that I sacrifice so many of my own personal interests/career opportunities, etc. to be with our kids.
That being said, I am already planting in my daughter's minds the seed that they should go into nursing. That and dental hygiene are two jobs that can be worked very part-time and be worth any moo-la. I might just go back to nursing school myself some day.
Oh, and as for the "expectations" that Sis. Beck laid out: I think they are the ideal. An orderly house to me means knowing where things are. Cleaning and cooking are part of the deal, whether you're a mother or father. My hub (thank GOODNESS) loves to cook, and helps clean. But I still do the LIONS SHARE, for sure. Do I feel irritated about that sometimes? Definitely. But I could dwell on it forever and become bitter, or just swallow that pill and enjoy cuddling my little ones (even my little feisty, mouthy, lippy, bratty daughter...yes, I said that!). If anyone needs me, that wildcat of a little lady does.
What we do as moms is a fairly thankless job, but it is so necessary to society.
Wowza.....
CHRISTINE...Awesome comment - very eloquent and nicely put.
I have a hard time keeping house - I don't particularly enjoy it...at all- and it is a never ending, never ending job. Being a mother is the HARDEST of all jobs out there - with pretty much NO recognition -I think that is why it is more appealing for women to have a profession. There is praise, there is a paycheck, there is a feeling of productivity, there is a feeling of importance...the list can go on and on. I have a degree and I have my own business, but after Sis. Beck's talk, whenever someone asks me "What I do" I always say, "I am a Mother." and leave it at that -because I do feel that that is the most important role I have in this life -and it takes a heck of a lot more dedication and stamina than any 'professional' out there. It is discouraging and I think all of us feel we fall short...but I think what Sis. Beck was trying to say (or how I took it anyway) was - pick yourself back up, and put one foot in front of the other, and work your guts out...because you CAN do it. I do have faith that one day my weaknesses will be my strengths because I worked little by little to get there...that my situation never changed, but my ability to deal with it increased. There is no room to compare ourselves with each other...EVER. None of us are in the exact same boat, but we are all on the same river...weather at the moment it be calm for some or white water for others. I know our Father in Heaven loves us and his heart probably aches for us (his daughters) as we feel discouraged and want to give up. I guess I have a whole new appreciation for the term 'enduring to the end'. I am grateful that I am a women - especially in the Gospel of Jesus Christ - that I am entrusted with his beautiful children - It is humbling and can feel overwhelming and again like I am failing (but isn't that what the adversary would have us feel?) so I try to rise to the challenge and be positive.
I thought Sis. Beck's talk was beautiful. It made me realize where I am struggling and where I want to improve...That I need to focus more on my family. I just hope we can have more compassion for one another and help each other out - none of us can do it alone...
Jen, I had kind of pushed this talk to the back of my mind until you brought it up. I didn't think of it as controversial at all, but I can now be seen that way. I guess when I heard it, I remember thinking of things that I could do better and things I was glad I was working on. I don't ever remember feeling like I wasn't good enough or wouldn't make it as a mother or that I wasn't valued as a daughter of god.
As a mother, I do not think I have the perfect method or that I should blindly follow my leaders. Everything we have done together as husband and wife (Sis. Beck points out that we are equal partners with our husbands) has been done with prayer. I believe it is my responsibility to nurture my children and care for my house since I have chosen to stay home. That doesn't mean that my husband can't help me out and clean up after himself or help with the kids. It's a partnership, and we want to succeed together. I am not a slave in my home -- no one forces me to do anything I don't want to do. I just try to pull my share of the weight.
There should be no judgments passed on a woman's choices as none of us are the Judge. I didn't feel Sis. Beck was passing judgments, but celebrating the good things that women can do and are blessed with. Unfortunately, as women we seem to feel guilt so easily (at least I do) and then defensive for our situtations and choices. I do think both of these qualities can be really good things as they help us acknowledge our weaknesses and be a champion for our children; however, these emotions get in the way sometimes. When we hear advice or counsel that we are already struggling with, whether from a family member or a church leader, we can feel guilty or defensive at our position. I think it's best to remember that the Lord loves all of us, and that He is mindful of us. I agree with Sara, let us help each other out as we all have our struggles and we need others to lean on.
My husband had a thought, but was a little shy to share it in this feisty and fun forum. Haha. So, I will be a weak substitute for his voice. Christ said, "Be ye therefore perfect." I believe that this admonition was (in a way) a statement of the ideal. It was meant to help us understand our direction rather than our destination. We will never be perfect in this life and yet it was important for Him to command us to be so. Does that mean we give up, throw in the towel and settle for less? No! We take what he said and use it to inspire us to raise the bar a little more. Since we are all walking through this journey of life experiencing different things, our bar height is going to vary. Celebrate where you are and enjoy the process of improvement.
Sister Beck was helping us with our direction, not our destination. Motherhood is hard and yet as we seek the Lord's help everyday we can learn the things that WE individually need in order to progress. Maybe our circumstances are not the ideal right now, but we can take what is in our sphere of influence and work on that. There are so many things that we cannot control that it is easy to get frustrated. I have found that part of my struggle is learning to let go of those things and to focus on what I can change. I can control the spirit with which I attack each day. I can control whether or not I am keeping my covenants. I can control whether or not I am worthy to attend the temple. Everything outside of my influence is just fodder.
Anyway. I have loved reading all of the comments. They help to broaden my mind to what others experience.
I feel a little nervous making a comment here because I'm not a wife or mother. My name is Aaron (hi Aaron) of the AaronAlita name. My wife posted the comment that Jenny Foo-foo put on here and it's been interesting to read the comments and feedback. So, as the first male to comment (although I think "Anonomous" is a dude), I just want to express the thought that came to me as I read the article and comments here.
A church leader's talk should not be immediately discarded because it seems to set a high standard any more than all of Christ's teaching should be discarded once He said "Be ye therefore perfect." The Savior set an extremely high bar that we will not acheive in this life, but He gave the counsel anyway. He told us to be perfect because that is what he wants us to strive toward. It seems that when we are judged, it will not matter what level of "spirituality" (or whatever you want to call it) we are at but what direction we are headed. And perfection is what we want to strive toward. When church leaders speak to us, they are telling us things we need to strive toward not things we need to have down perfectly within one week's time.
Anyway, that is my two cents. I hope I'm not getting too preachy because I can't say that I know what women in the church feel like -- never been one and don't plan to become one. I think, though, this applies to any talk by church leaders, and not just Sister Beck's.
And that's all I have to say about that.
Addendum: After I got done writing and publishing my post, I found out that Ali had beat me to the punch. Sorry for the duplicate.
(Aaron)
Jen - We all love you so much. You have a gift for inspiring such wonderfully passionate debates. I mean that with complete sincerity and absolutely no sarcasm. I really do enjoy these discussions! Thanks for letting me add my "two cents" (which, as you all know by now, ends up being four or five cents).
First of all, I really did enjoy Sister Beck's talk, and was pretty surprised by all of the controversy. It is not unusual for our leaders to give us blunt counsel, and as I was listening to her, I was going over and over in my head all of the areas that I was lacking and needed to improve. Although I do not know Sister Beck's intentions, I do believe that she was making a bold statement to the world that motherhood is a divine role. I also do not believe that she meant to intentionally belittle or criticize anyone.
Secondly, I feel like a fish out of water when it comes to motherhood. I really enjoyed working outside the home. I was good at what I did, and I was frequently given feedback - negative and positive. When I was given an assignment, I knew the expectations, and if those expectations were met or exceeded, then I was usually rewarded for my efforts. Quitting my job, and relying solely on my husband was one of the most difficult things I've ever done. I still struggle with the fact that I am completely dependent on another person for my basic, human needs. I truly admire people like Christine (I loved your comments by the way) who seem so perfectly suited for motherhood. I am not a great housekeeper and not a great organizer. I try hard to just stay "on top" of the daily clutter. Forget about "deep cleaning." I struggle with the sheer amount of noise that comes with having children. I struggle daily with patience and acting more loving toward my children. The other day, my son asked my husband if he could stay home and I could go to work, "because you don't yell as much as Mom" (those are his words). This cut to my very core because I have really been trying so hard lately to speak more softly to my children and serve them with a good attitude. My mom once told me that she prayed for seven straight years until one day she finally got through an entire day without yelling. ()Which is funny because I don't remember her yelling at us very much.) I struggle with every aspect of it, and then I feel even more guilt because I do struggle and I don't want Heavenly Father to think I am ungrateful.
Having said that, I really do love my kids, and I really am grateful that I can be so involved in their lives. I really am grateful for all that my husband does for our family. It is clear to me that being a mother so beautifully and candidly exposes ALL of my weaknesses and faults. I can see how these children, and their individual challenges, are helping me to rely more on the Lord and really forcing me to make changes in myself.
This past weekend, we were at a family reunion. My husband's cousin adopted a little girl from Ethiopia a few years ago. She has since struggled with a brain tumor and has been diagnosed with autism and has had severe speech delays. Apparently, my son and his cousins were caught picking on Eliza (just another proud moment for me as a mother). We pulled Austin aside and asked him if he knew anything about Eliza. He said "no." We explained that for the first 2-3 years of her life, she lived in an orphanage in Ethiopia. She didn't have someone to hold her, love her, or even give her enough food. She was starving and would have died soon if she wasn't adopted. We explained that when babies are treated like this, their brain doesn't develop properly. It was incredible to see his reaction. His face was so somber, and his demeanor softened immediately. He just looked at us and said, "I didn't know." We tried to explain (to our seven-year-old) that it is important to treat everyone with respect and kindness because we don't know what they've been through in life. I think that can apply to us as fellow mothers. We don't know what each one of us is struggling with (in marriage, in our own self-doubt, with our children, with our own testimonies, etc.). I am grateful for all of you mothers out there for trying so hard to teach your children the best that you know. You are all inspirational to me. Thank you!
Like you, I was completely confused by the controversy. I actually heard about the complainers of the talk before I read the talk. So I went and read it in the conference report and I remember thinking "What could people possibly be unhappy about?" I thought it was a wonderful talk, full of uplifting, and practical guidance for mothers. I agree wholeheartedly with your statement about how important it is to listen to church leaders with the Spirit as your guide. Thanks Jen!
Emily,
Thank you for your comments. They brought tears to my eyes. Whatever you say about just trying to keep up with the clutter--it doesn't matter that you can't deep clean. In your words alone, I can tell you have tremendous influence for good as a mother and woman.
Wonderful words. Thank you!
Marie,
Based on all your comments your world appears to be strickly about you. Perhaps you should send your children to Daycare, find yourself a profession where your uterus will feel like it has achieved it's potential. Then perhaps you will find your peace and happiness.
Do you really care that much about what other members of your Ward think or percieve of you and the job you are doing???
It sounds like you are just trying to look and act like a Latter Day Saint, you should just be the best one that you can be and stop worrying about what others think. You and your Family are what should matter most to you. When you became a parent you took on simple responsibilities that can be difficult and become old, but they are your and your husbands responsibilities.
I know I come across as harsh, and compassionless but sometimes people just need a blunt, direct approach. I truly hope you figure out what really makes you and your family happy.
Anonymous:
Really?!? I think one of the main problems with the Women Who Know website and these "conferences" (mentioned in the Deseret News Article) is that women are attacking each other for their opinions and decisions. I do not think that I'm "brainless" or "a slave" because I've chosen to be a SAHM. I also do not believe that women that work outside the home don't love their children as much or are selfish. It is wrong for us to judge each other so harshly. I think we need to remember that it is absolutely NOT our job to judge others, that role belongs solely to Christ. Our only job is to love one another and help each other through our trials. Yes...There is a time and a place to be blunt, but I don't believe this is what Jen had in mind when she posted this topic. I think she wanted people's opinions, but didn't want for us to attack one another.
Oh my gosh! I just went to the what women know website, and it made me want to throw up.
It is so purely evil, I can't believe anyone would add their name to something like that and then go to church and take the sacrament.
That is wrong, wrong, wrong.
Women who know allows those who are different to be who they are. I found Sister Beck's talk in no way offensive, but I can understand and empathize with those who do. Sometimes we are in such a place in life that words easily break the fragile skin that comes with our own flaws and expectations. Sister Beck no more meant to offend with her words than I do with mine. But if someone was offended by that talk, maybe there is something in their life that they need to resolve and get themselves back on track. Sister Beck was not attempting to attack, demean or diminish the role of women in our society, yet many find it easy to twist her words into arrows aimed at their heart. If something struck yours (not talking to you specifically, Jen), for good or bad, you should figure out why. Sister Beck's talk should not in any way make you believe that you are doing poorly in your life. Be your strong, beautiful self and don't let words meant for the uplifting of many - shoot down your heart.
Amendment: I meant for the uplifting of ALL. And, Marie, you sound like someone I would love to meet. It sounds like you have a lot of strong-minded women reading your blog, Jen. I think it's great!
Amendment: I meant for the uplifting of ALL. And, Marie, you sound like someone I would love to meet. It sounds like you have a lot of strong-minded women reading your blog, Jen. I think it's great!
I agree with Christine about that website! We should look up to our leaders and realize that they with prayer and revelation come up with these wonderful talks and to have a website talking against it! Crazy! I don't think we have to all agree on everything and I know we all have different feelings on some things, but like it or not men and women do have different roles. I'm sure that signing something against our leaders is wrong! Anyway, I don't mean offense these are just my thoughts.
this is a slippery slope many of you bloggers are headed down. I urge caution in you comments and thoughts. We are constantly warned by the Brethren to not get into these contoversial discussions. Pretty soon one starts questioning the collective judgment of an authority and then the ball has started to roll. Please be careful and really search your heart and soul before you comment and perhaps you will discover your motives behind your comments. Healthy discussion is good, when you start second-guessing a divinely called authority, that is something else.
Something about my comment has been bugging me since I wrote it. I DO NOT agree with the What Women Know website. There are a lot of points that I think are valid (but have nothing AT ALL to do with Sis. Beck or the talk, so what is the point of listing them on the website?). What REALLY, REALLY bothers me is that people think it is okay to come out publicly against a leader of our church. And to take the story of the Stripling Warriors and twist it to be a "tragedy" rather than a triumph is sick and wrong.
I agree with what others have said: we should take an inspired leader's words and apply them to our lives, making changes where the spirit leads us. We can't go wrong there. And, gee, maybe Sister Beck knows something that we don't know...hmmm. A point to ponder.
I came across a great book today for any woman in the church who needs some inspiration. It's called "My Dear Sisters" and it has quotes from Pres. and Sis. Hinckley.
I wish I could bring one over to any of you who question the Lord's support and love for us as women and mothers.
WOW-I have been reading everyone's comments and WOW is all I can say! We, as women, need to boast each other, dispite our differences, not tear each other down! I am a SAHM who also works part time at night. But that is not the point. The point is-Sister Beck is our leader. If you do not agree with what she said, you take it to the Lord for confirmation. If the Lord is behind what she days, he'll tell you. If not, you will also know. But know this-when a leader of the church speaks from the pulpit, it is doctrine from the Lord, who as we know, is the head of our church. I love that others have pointed out that is this is the IDEAL. None of us can be perfected without HIM!
THanks
Why are some of you commenting anonymously?? I don't get that...no more anonymous commenting here! :)
Hey jen--my hubbie secretly (and jokingly) thinks your anonymous commenter is Jasper. Haha.
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