Not just "getting by"

****this is a lot of rambling. a lot.
Some days I feel like life just carries me along on a wave of craze, and other I feel like I actually have some semblance of control over my own life. And my own reactions. It just depends on the day. Lately I've been back and forth from day to day. I feel like I am coming into my own when it comes to Motherhood. Learning that I will never ever be a perfect mother is actually a little freeing. I know that as my children grow older I grow with them. Realizing I actually HAVE learned a thing or two along way. Makes me feel good. But at the same time (opposition in all things right?) realizing some weaknesses are still weaknesses. Frustrating. I think I may always deal with patients, with not living "in the moment", with not allowing one tiny thing to make all of my other stresses come to a head, with not always loving it when my kids try cuddling with me (this one was a shocker to me). There are many other things, but you get the picture. I know I talk about motherhood a lot. Maybe because right now, and for the next 16 years it's what my largest portion of time is spent on. It's something I love, sometimes loath, but mostly love.

I remember when Maddie was two, I seriously thought motherhood was like the easiest thing in the whole world. I couldn't understand why other mom's would ever say it was hard. Then she turned 3. And I had more children. Then they all got older. It got harder and I started to understand. I suppose I will continue to understand as my kids continue to get older and we deal with all kinds of different challenges. I'm not going to lie, this scares me. It scares me that I'll never get past these same weaknesses that seem to plague me....how can I???

I feel like when Tae was diagnosed with Type 1 we turned a corner in our parenting. We had another experience about a month earlier where something similar happened- parenting wasn't just going to "happen" or come easily. Not if we wanted to be decent parents anyway. Parenting is so much work. It's something I have to gear myself up for each day. Another thing I didn't expect. And when baby Maddie was still a babe, I didn't have to do. Does everyone have to do that? Or do some people just naturally excel at being mothers? I think my mom did. It just seemed to fit her. When she was diagnosed the world just stopped for us. Nothing else mattered except the well being of our child. It felt good to shed the other worries the world had placed upon us....at least for those three days in the hospital. Since her life is truly now fragile- not that everyone's isn't but we KNOW hers is- we seem to take the parenting role a little more seriously. I'm not going to lie, sometimes when I take it more seriously the times I don't do what I think I should be doing a lot harder fall. My point is: I take parenting more seriously, it's more rewarding, but it feels a lot harder.

I know I don't make a lot of sense. I just sat down and started typing what came to my mind. I didn't think before hand what I'd write, and I don't proof read.

Amen.